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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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A few months ago I was googling "Young's" on my husband's

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. A few months ago I was googling "Young's" on my husband's smart phone and "youtubeporn" populated. I pretended I did not see it. Then two months ago my husband was sick in bed and on one of the trips to check on him and bring him ginger ale I opened the bedroom door (last time I checked he was asleep) and he had his laptop up trying to hide what I saw was pornographic images with one hand while the other was under the covers. I was absolutely devastated. Later that day, he had left his laptop by the nightstand, I checked his internet history and it was empty, like it had been wiped clean. Several days passed before I finally blurted out what was wrong. This is my 3rd marriage. Finally, I am with the man of my dreams, he is so gentlemanly and sweet and caring I just cannot believe this. I wrote him a long email explaining how his watching porn made me feel and his response was "This an unbelievably hard letter to write to the woman I love, I shudder and cringe every time I think of you at the door to our bedroom I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed. You are everything to me and will always be! Your always thoughtful and considerate i cant put into words an apology, so I'll just say I'm sorry. Knowing how hurt you are has not gone unnoticed by me, however it may appear, i do not take it lightly. I have the feeling you look at me differently now and think I'm something other than what you thought, my hope is that over time that will change and my standing will improve, it hurts to know what I've done to us." He did not promise to stop (I assumed it was implied) and I never demanded it. Our sex life isn't great mainly because of alcohol consumption I thought but now I'm wondering if it's more to do with porn. My husband generally has a 95% success rate with oral sex (my performing/his receiving) but more than half the time we have sex he cannot finish and part of it may be because he is quite a bit larger than me and he gets stomach cramps from trying not to crush me and his wrists hurt from holding up his body weight. Anyway, since I saw him watching the porn in the back of my mind I feel maybe that is the root of our sex problems. So last Sunday while he was at lunch with his uncle I took his laptop out of his truck and checked the internet history. Again, empty. So I downloaded a keylogger (he has been working away during the week) and leaves Monday morning. Sure enough I check my email Tuesday first thing and Monday evening he had visited porn sites. Thankfully nothing crazy or kinky. There was no activity on Tuesday or Wednesday but he actually came home on Wednesday because my birthday was Thursday and he brought roses, earrings and a card. I pleasured him orally (I am 45, he is 50) hoping to give him a reason not to visit those websites. The next day, my birthday, as I was returning from paying the taxes on his ex-wife's home, I got an email alert that he visited another site. I counted about 4 hours that he was on porn sites. I think the only reason he didn't do it on Friday was he got some spam from Shagaholic that I unintentionally sent to his email and I think it spooked him. At this point I am not sure what to do with this information. I feel quite guilty for putting a tag on his computer because it is an invasion of his privacy. He came home over the weekend and I didn't bring it up but he did say to me last night "you've been quiet". To give you a little more history last March my brother's marriage went into a tailspin after his wife discovered he had been seeing escorts for 2 years and that he was addicted to porn. It started with the porn and progressed to actually live people. So my husband knows this is a highly sensitive area yet he continues to look at porn.

Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

The email I received "Hello, I'm ready to answer your Mental Health question, but I need some more information to provide a full answer. Please answer me as soon as possible so that I can get back to you right away." indicated more info was needed from me but the moderator said the message was sent to the requested professional. At this rate, I really don't care if the professional I requested answers the question or not. And with that I see I could have been more clear with my question. My question is: Now that I am in possession of this information do I confront my husband again and should I issue an unltimatum?

Thank you for your continued patience. We will continue the search for a Professional for you. Unless you would like to cancel, please don't respond to this as it may prevent the Professionals from accessing your question. Thank you for your continued patience
Perhaps I can help. You are not alone in being upset by your husband using porn. Many women take this as a person rejection and are afraid that it means their husband is looking for another woman. In the vast majority of cases, that isn't true. Men spend a lot of time thinking about sex. Many use porn, sexual fantasies, and masturbation when they are tense, bored, angry, lonely, or aroused by something. Given that you are upset by this and also about your sexual relationship, it's not an issue that can be ignored. It seems to me that it's time to have an open and honest discussion about how this is effecting you, disclose that because of a lack of trust you have been checking on his computer use, and let him know you're concerned that this is effecting your sex life. If you don't feel you can have this discussion on your own, seeing a therapist for couples counseling could be a big help. The worst think you could do is hold these feelings inside and pretend the problem doesn't exist.
I hope this is helpful.
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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