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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi There. You answered a question for me about 18 monts ago

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Hi There. You answered a question for me about 18 monts ago and it really helped. Now I'm back again. I have been seeing my therapist for 2 years most of that twice a week. I have a history of depression and family related issues. The last few months have been really difficult with my therapist. I mentioned in my last question that I'm obessed with her. I google her and her family members all the time I'm like an online stalker. I found something out about her that I think has really damaged out relationship, she is dating someone who is 30 years younger than her she is 52 he is 22. I just think it is so wrong. I more or less told her this and I got so anger and stormed out. When we next met we discussed it but she wouldn't reveal anything but she did tell me she was angry with me. We moved on after that but my anger stayed I found other things to blame her for and at times I have been so horrible to her but she just took it and said it was good that I could display my anger with her. My question is am I really angry at her or is it something within me that I'm angry with? I kept threaten to leave and end therapy but i always changed my mind and ask to continue. Anyway last week I got really angry and told her that I wanted to end that she is making me worse. I'm obessed wih her and her life I think about her all the time. I feel stuck in therapy and can't move on with my life. I do think I'm ready to go it alone but I can't live without her. So after that session she said that we needed to end and that I was ready to go it alone. I felt rejected and like I'd been kicked.. I begged to continue but she has been very firm and said no. So she decided on the last date 12th Dec so I have 7 sessions before it all ends. I feel so sad I can't eat sleep or focus I feel like someone has died. Will this stop I can't live like this? I have told her all of this. I suspect that she has had enough of me and wants out but she has reassured me that is not the case and that she wouldn't do anything that didn't feel right. But I can't help but think this. I just feel like I will never survive without her. I've never had a connection like I've had with her, she is the ultimate professional and has never done anything to ever make me question her approach. I can't stop crying and it hurts. I've even considering seeing another therapist so try and get over this but that could create a vicious circle. Please can you give me your thoughts on all of this.
Hello, it's good to hear from you again.

It sounds like you have been experiencing transference with your therapist. It is not necessarily your therapist that you feel these things about (though it feels that way, very much so) but instead these feelings that you have are about unmet needs from your past.

When you start therapy, your therapist purposely keeps her personal life out of therapy. This is so you not only have the chance to focus on you, which is what therapy is for, but you also can take unresolved feelings and put them on the therapist- called transference. This allows the therapist to help you resolve these needs through identifying and bringing out those feelings which you have carried with you since the trauma, neglect or abuse occurred in your life.

What it sounds like is going on here is that you researched your therapist until you found something that made you identify with something from your past. In your case, it was anger about something you did not agree with in your therapist's life. While normally what your therapist does with her personal life would not concern you, because you had this unmet need you put it on your therapist. One possibility is that someone in your past did something that hurt you and that caused you to feel hurt and angry about what your therapist did because it brought out the same kind of feelings you had before. But whatever happened, this was your way to try to work it out in therapy.

However, it does not sound like your therapist has caught this transference going on so it is going unresolved. Now that she is ending therapy with you, you feel abandoned and hurt. Part of that could be that you still have emotional ties to her with the transference. And another is that you still have unresolved issues.

You may want to bring this up in therapy during your remaining sessions. It can help a lot to deal with transference issues with your therapist, the person you are transferring these feelings onto. You may not be able to completely resolve the issue before you have to end, but you will at least begin the process. And since your therapist will not change her mind about continuing to work with you, you may have to finish your work with another therapist. But in the end, once you work this through, you will feel a lot better.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you.

I keep telling myself she knows best but I don't feel ready to move on so maybe I do need to see someone else. I feel hurt that she won't see this out with me but I also have really been a challenge.

I blame myself for creating the situation.

Do you think I should continue with another therapist?


If you leave this therapist still feeling that you have more to talk about, then yes, it would be a good idea to see someone else. Therapy is only done when you don't feel you have anything left to talk about with your therapist.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I forgot to mentioned my therapist said that she couldn't discuss the my interest in her etc as it invloves her private life - do you agree or is she not dealing with the transference issues?

She can talk with you about how you feel which does not involve discussing her personal life. At this point, she may not be aware of the transference or she may be and is not dealing with it for some reason. Talking with her about it can clarify which one it is and therefore how you should proceed.


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