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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband and I have been together for 8 years, we have 2

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My husband and I have been together for 8 years, we have 2 girls aged 6 and 1. I was raped 16 years Ago and found it very difficult to come terms with, causing anxiety and depression issues for many years. At the time I didn't realise that was where it all stemmed from, my husband knows all about this after attending a councelling session with me. My husband was very angry, distant and impatient with me during this time. Shortly before my first daughter was born, my husband started wanting to get involved in dressing up latex, rubber, ropes, chains etc both me and him. I found this very difficult, the acts would often result in me having a panic attack, however, this never discouraged him and he would still badger me relentlessly about doing these things. I'm 7 years into this constant battle regarding this stuff, he promises he'll stop asking me but it only lasts a few days. This is making me so miserable, I do not want to lose my husband which I fear I will if i don't do these things but i can't. I'm constantly being given the silent treatment and moody behaviour because of my reluctance. There is no 'normal' sex anymore or affection. I put him through a lot during the time I was suffering with the anxiety but I just cannot agree to doing these things, in my mind its wrong to feel pleasure when someone else is suffering both physical and emotional pain from your actions, why would he want to do that to me?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private

or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you report is truly sad and serious since it shows you were a victim of sexual abuse and after going through so much overwhelming pain during the first years of your marriage, what causes problems in your marital relationship, your husband chose to start developing these abusive practices-habits and pushing you to do the same, which has been obviously also overwhelmingly painful for you, specially because of your past trauma and how this abusive pattern could literally retraumatize you even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are parents of two little children which also depend on your love, protection and support, and if your husband chooses to perpetuate any form of abuse, even more in this area, it is obvious he is totally dismissing even basic respect you and your children need and deserve, literally undermining your personal mental health, marital relationship and family well-being.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Panic attacks are a last resource our body and psyche use when feelings truly overwhelming by painful feelings and unable to cope. If your very spouse totally dismisses your pain and keeps his abusive behaviors, I do not truly know how you could expect this situation could improve at all. He would first need to fully acknowledge the abuse, taking full responsibility for his actions and committing to truly work on himself with professional psychological support, in order for the marriage to have a chance for healing and growth.

Customer: What do you suggest, I've suggested counselling which would be difficult to obtain as we live in the Middle East, however, he dismisses this Idea anyway and says I just need to learn to 'live a little' I can't help wondering if I really am in the wrong
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, but for me as a professional it is obvious you are a victim of domestic violence, specifically of sexual abuse, and I do not see how you could be responsible for it. The fact tha

t he totally refuses to hold accountability and consider professional support shows there would be no hope for any improvement as long as he keeps such insensitive and abusive approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You previously mentioned counseling sessions, perhaps these happened in another country, but your first priority now is your personal and your children's well-being. If you can get local individual counseling to better cope and take care of yourself, please do so. If it is not locally available then please look for online counseling. PLus all the support you could get from family and close friends.

Customer: I think if I'm honest I came on here tonight knowing that its time for to leave the marriage very reluctantly as I really do love him very much and worry constantly how this will affect my children, that said I am not willing to subject myself to this anymore and feel very strongly that I'm not sure I would ever get over this whatever treatment he sought. Thank you for your kind words and support. Much appreciated.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally support you. Love should never allow nor enable any form of abuse. You and your children need and deserve a healthy and fulfilling life, and to be around people

who truly respect and care about you. Please work on getting all the support you can from loved ones during this process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :


ease feel free to contact me for any further support since I will be here willing to assist you.

Customer: Thanks again, it's very much appreciated. Kindest regards
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(please do not forget to rate answer in order for the chat session to be closed.Thanks).

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