My husband and I have been married only a short time (2 months) and I am 25 weeks pregnant with a much anticipated baby girl. Both of us have been divorced and have 2 sons each from our past relationships. My husband and I met online and soon discovered we were both on 2 websites, one of which was a more 'adult' dating site. I had been dating after separation from my first marriage and for 4 months found myself engaging in texting and 'hook ups' that I found soul-destroying, but thought that I would never find true love. Then I met my husband and it all changed - I finally felt a true connection to another human being.
From the first week of our relationship he checked my phone texts without telling me. When I found out I forgave him, as I already knew he had a hard time with trust. Then he looked on my computer and found files I had previously deleted. All of these fantasy-sharing type messages from when I was involved with people who just made me feel worse about myself - I would not have ever shared them because I know they do not reflect who I actually am. I did
not have contact with people after my relationship started with my husband. But just last week (after 10 months) he again managed to recover deleted files of text messages. I had kept much of this from him as I know I am 100% loyal and so happy to have found the love of my life - I have felt ashamed that I engaged in this crazy behaviour and knew I should probably go to counselling about my shame.
Now he says he loves me, but cannot be with me after seeing the things I wrote to people & some of the activities I engaged in. He says he doesn't believe I ever loved him; that he is not special. He wants me to just have the baby and work out care arrangements.
I've almost had a breakdown and am seeing a social worker, but don't know what else I can do. He vacillates between saying he'll see a counsellor with me and saying there is no point because I am disgusting and immoral. This is despite the fact that I have never cheated on a partner and he has (multiple times). I am struggling with the hypocrisy, but also fear losing the love of my life.
I know he is in pain. I know that our pasts should be past. I know that I have lied by omission in my shame. I want to work on it for the sake of seeing if we can salvage our relationship for ourselves, our baby and our 4 sons. I know I can't do the work alone, but I struggle with what to say. I want to be open, but I can only see that causing more pain and, besides, he has already refused to delete the messages - goes back to look at them to 'finalize' his disgust and determination not to be with me.
What do I do???