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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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My boyfriend of 9 months is great, loving, kind, and

Customer Question

My boyfriend of 9 months is great, loving, kind, and considerate. He is 21 which makes him 3 years younger then me and it shows in some levels of maturity and I am sure that is all this concern of mine is....He sometimes cracks jokes related to rape. I find it appalling and can not even imagine finding anything kind of joke related to that funny. He doesn't say it in a mencing way and when I call him on it he says he is sorry and doesn't actually think rape is funny...just osme jokes are. And then little things like tonight he was holding my hands interlocking fingers and I jokingly said I was not ready for that level of intimacy (interlocking fingers) and he jokingly laughed and said well you are going to enjoy it and like it while I do it (referencing sex). My question is this normal? I have not dated very many guys and was wondering if this is just a young guy phase or is it something to be worried about. Also, am i crazy for asking if I should be worried when I clearly am in love with a great guy?

A couple of examples of his jokes-Once i was talking about buying some new clothes and he started joking about how he would pick out a trashy outfit for me and I said no way would you get me to where that and he said you would if I drugged you and put them on you.  Then you owuld wake up and look really hot-and your legs would be a little sore too. (referring to how he would have sex with me knocked out.

-He bought a tazer for protection adn jokingly said we could use it in the bedroom to spice things up.  I said that those things knock you out for 6 hours and he said "perfect"haha."

-and then he has said a couple of tylpical rape jokes that you find online.

Is this weird or is it typical for young guys?

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Your boyfriend in the least has very poor taste in humor. This is possibly a sign of his personality and lacks the internal gage that says that this is inappropriate. You may be concerned since this is not something that he should be repeating. Most troubling is his continued lack of being sensitive once you have asked him to stop. He should be nurturing your feelings not joking in this crude manner. I would take into account that he has not abandoned this joking when it makes you uncomfortable. That isn't a good quality in a partner. He should always have your best interest at heart and this does not show that he cares about your feelings. I would be concerned about his joking and his reference to your sex life. You want a partner who is sensitive and caring rather than egotistical. I would consider that this relationship needs work at best and at worse is very insensitive. I would consider looking elsewhere until he matures.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Is it weird behavior though? He has always made crude jokes about sex, etc. But I always assumed that was typical guy behavior. Do you think I should be worried about him in that he is abnormal?

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

No it isn't. The best way to find out if this is dangerous is to ask him why he picks this material to joke about and would he respect your feelings by not doing so. He may just have poor taste in jokes.

Be back later

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

What isn't? Are you saying this isn't weird behavior or it isn't typical guy behavior.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
Perhaps I can help. I don't see this as typical guy behavior. Especially after you've confronted him about the jokes, for him to continue to make jokes about knocking you out and having sex with you, or forcing you to do things you don't want to do, is unhealthy and worse than immature. It may be a reflection of his sexual interests even though he admits the jokes aren't funny, it could be an area he has fantasies about. Many guys make crude jokes but your boyfriend's jokes are beyond crude to abusive. The next question is, what do you want to do about it? Is this something you would break up with him over? Is it something you don't like but are going to tolerate? Or are you somewhere in between? You can.make your position clear to him, that these jokes offend you deeply, and it's time he stop talking this way about you or about any woman. You might tell him how you would react if he ever did any of the things he jokes about to you. Perhaps if you make clear to him how seriously wrong his behavior is, he can work harder to stop himself.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

How do i know if it is a sexual fantasy? i can't just ask him...

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
Sexual fantasies are something that, once Ingrained, are difficult to change. If you have the serious conversation with him about stopping this behavior, and you don't see a big change, I would say the chances are high that this is something he thinks and fantasizes about. It doesn't mean he has to act on them, but you may find him trying to get you to move toward roll playing these scenarios.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

So it doesn't mean he is "crazy" just may possibly have "weird" fantasies. He doens't say things like this very often (those three times were in the nine months we have been together.) He just will everyonce in a while crack a rape joke that i do not find funny, but apparently a large audience does. What do you think about violent jokes everyone in a while that he tells?

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
I don't think he's crazy. Both men and women have these fantasies. It doesn't mean they want real rape, but just roll playing. Violent jokes are generally offensive to me. I would react by saying, "That's really gross." Some men realize this as they mature, some never do. It's kind of like boys' tendency to use bathroom humor.