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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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My husband just makes me so sad. He is emotionally indeifferent

Customer Question

My husband just makes me so sad. He is emotionally indeifferent to me. We had no plans this weekend except staying home and spending time with our kids and today he said he felt trapped. I told him that he hurt my feelings by saying that and his reply was "I did not hurt your feelings, you allowed your feelings to get hurt". I dont even know what that is supposed to mean. But it is a pattern of behavior for him.
we have a lot of stress. We have a 6 month old boy and a 5 year old daughter who was diagnosed with leukemia almost one year ago. Since her diagnosis we have become a one income family, have had the stress of dealing with our daughter's health, etc. But eeven before her diagnosis he was like this.
Not sure how much more I can take of havig no emotional support and his passive aggressive meanness. My daughter would be devastataed if we separated and the stress would be terrible for her while in treatment. But I am sad and crying every day because of my husband.
Please help me figure out how to live like this
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

Dr. L :

I am so sorry to hear the level of stress and distress that is happening in your life. I cannot imagine the difficulty and pain of having a child with leukemia. That is such a challenging situation! And...then you have an infant...and a husband who is indifferent. That is a lot of emotional turmoil to be juggling at one time.

Dr. L :

I am glad you are taking an antidepressant to help bring some emotional stability to your life. Do you feel the medication is working?

Dr. L :

Your husband's statement that he felt trapped likely feels unbelievable given how trapped you feel! You are the one trying to juggle all the balls and keep everyone happy and healthy!

Dr. L :

I can explain your husband's statement, "I did not hurt your feelings, you allowed your feelings to get hurt." But I don't think that explaining it is going to really make a difference for you. What will make a difference is if he starts listening to you, shows compassion to you, and makes an attempt to work as a team with you.

Dr. L :

The counseling sessions you had did not sound all that helpful. Labelling your husband as having Asperger's and telling you to "adjust"...did - and doesn't - solve anything. Again...that doesn't provide strategies for communication, partnering, and so forth.

Dr. L :

I understand your worry about separating and how that would impact your daughter.

Dr. L :

Would you be willing to try counseling again? This time with a counselor without Asperger's and someone very versed in martial therapy? If you aren't willing to go to couple's therapy...what about individual therapy?

Dr. L :

From what you have written...I would really encourage you to consider individual therapy as a way to gain the emotional strength to better handle the multiple stressors that are in your life currently. Being sad and crying every day is not the way to live. You deserve better.

Dr. L :

I see that you are offline right now. When you come back online I will be notified.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

JACUSTOMER-4967ro7j- :

I have considered individual therpay but it is difficult because I dont have anyone to help with childcare during the day. My husband travels with his job so when he does come home it is late. I have just started looking at online options.

I do think the antidepressant has helped some. When my son was born my daughter went into the hospital for an infection. The next day my son's lung collapsed, so I had both children in the hospital within 48 hours of a c-section. I was overwhelmed for awhile, but am not quite as "on edge". He is fully recovered and she has been doing great in treatment.

My biggest stressor is my husband. I wish he could understand and/or care how his behavior effects me. Maybe he does understand and just does not care. He has said over and over again that he does not do anything wrong - that I just take things wrong.

JACUSTOMER-4967ro7j- :

I will definitely find a way to get individual counseling. You are right ~ I may not be able to fix things with him but I do need help learning to cope with all this stress.

Thank you

Dr. L :

Hello again...

Dr. L :

Yes...it does seem that individual therapy would be the best thing that you could do for you...and for your family. The antidepressant likely keeps you at an even keel so that you do not dip down into depression. But still...it seems that you need some new strategies for managing your relationship with your husband.

Dr. L :

I'm happy to hear that your children are doing well. That's a huge stressor off your shoulders! Still....therapy will give you new strength and energy.

Dr. L :

I wish you peace as you move forward with your life!

Dr. L :

Thank you!