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John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 624
Experience:  25+ years helping people find solutions...
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I was involved with a man for 7 years - I have never been

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I was involved with a man for 7 years - I have never been married - he divorced LONG before we met.
We have had a rough two years as I lost a parent and he lost his best friend. We both had career challenges that recently righted themselves.
He was very supportive of his deceased friend's wife and - as cliche as this sounds - the relationship developed.
Neither of them told me - but of course I was devastated when I found out.
I told him I wouldn't wait for him to figure it out, but that I honestly hope someday our lives come back together. I hear from him a lot - even when he's with her.
They are very different from one another and when his career issues were flaring I think he was rather pliant. Now that things have righted themselves and he's feeling energized and focused - I have difficulty believing that they will still "fit".
In addition, she quit her job and doesn't really do much during the day except shop, lunch. etc.
It's killing me - and I really want him to figure out he screwed up majorly. I knew he was having a mid life crisis, but I just didn't think it would be the other woman kind.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it seems overwhelmingly frustrating for anybody in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sadly what it shows is that this person does not have the maturity nor the affection to deserve you nor to develop and take good care of a relationship with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have spent 7 years of your life with a person who then chose to betray you, which obviously shows how unhealthy and abusive-neglectful things go at the emotional level.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a relationship to develop or heal into a healthy and fulfilling one, "mutual" respect, caring, honesty, understanding and support are necessary. Without them it is impossible for relationships to be truly good. Staying or pushing for a relationship like that would imply exposing yourself to abuse and neglect, what is something you do not want to afford nor deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is tough to be betrayed by o e you care so much for. I do have a couple questions erode I answer your question though. How long has he been with this other woman? How much have you and your husband discussed future plans, such as divorce, etc. ? The answers to these questions and any other details might help me give you an appropriate answer.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

We are not married - but were in a committed relationship for 7 years. He didn't break up with me but I found out and he didn't deny he has feelings for her. I told him I would not wait for him to find out what he is feeling, but did admit that I hoped it didn't work and he realized our life was what he wanted.

He was glad I said that. (Of course now I think, why wouldn't he?)

I think it started about 2 1/2 months ago but probably most intently for a month...

To me it seems you have handled it perfectly well so far. I agree with the previous expert that you probably deserve better. Knowing that doesn't necessarily change your feelings for him though. I would say you have a couple of options:One, you write him off totally. He had his chance and messed it up. You move on with your life and find happiness elsewhere. That is a tough choice but is a viable option.Two, you basically do what you have done. If this is the path you chose to continue, you probably do need to determine some guidelines. Primarily, what would it take for you to accept him back? What would he have to do to prove he had changed? You definitely would not want to take him back just because he said he was sorry. If I were you I would give a set time to realize his error. He would have to offer a heartfelt apology, acknowledge just how wrong g and damaging g his actions were and, Finally, he would have to prove his commitment to you in a platonic relationship over a set period of time. That one might be extra tough, but important for trust.Option two seems to be the option you desire. Please understand, there are no guarantees. He may want it to be much simpler than that. If he really wants you back, he should be willing to pay the price though. I would also consider seeking couples counseling to help guide you through this.As far as what to do to bring him to this point, your best option is probably continue to basically do nothing. You have stated your case. Now give time a chance. Only you can determine how much time. The fact is, you don't necessarily have to put life on hold even if you do chose option two. Do not necessarily actively seek romance elsewhere, but if it comes along, maybe destiny has spoken.I hope that was helpful. If you have questions, please post them. I do want to help you. Thank you!
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 624
Experience: 25+ years helping people find solutions...
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