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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate! time no talk! I just felt the need to touch base. I

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Hi Kate! Long time no talk!
I just felt the need to touch base. I don't even know what to say. Things are not good. I know it's me. I have a negative attitude and don't care a whole lot. I feel depressed, but there's no reason for it. Nothing has changed. Saw my sleep dr. Last week. He is pleased w/ the progress there and we started the nightmare clinic (self study dream imagery thing). I saw dr m last week. She is making me come back again in a few weeks. Was supposed to be able to go to every 3 months, but she keeps changing herons. She also was going to decrease the Zoloft to where I was before, but changes her mind about that, too. I saw Linda 3 day on a row last week. She think u am "obsessing" about the shame and guilt. Has me reading books on OCD treatment. I tried to make an appointment with the other therapist for EMDR, but she's never called me back. Linda's director & Linda think I would benefit from him coming in to talk to me, because he is a man and a minister. I actually think that's a good idea. I told Debra the whole thing (most of it) on Saturday. She reacted well & has been very supportive these past few weeks.
I have an interview for a panel trustee position tomorrow morning. It's PT and I would still have my practice. I really want it, and there are some major people coming to NM to do the interviews. I haven't ha an interview on over 14 years!! Then tomorrow afternoon, we're going to Seattle for a week. I don't really want to go. I feel roped in and tried to get p to understand, but she ignoredy saying I didn't want to go. I want her & Steve & tami to go & leave me alone.
Thinking about moving. P really wants to. We will see. Still near Albuquerque.
Don't know what's going on with A. C's wife is still home from Afghanistan, I think. C's mom is still being awful to p, and has made a point to let them l kw she has taken back her maiden name. Such a mess. I hope A gets some help out of this.
Well, I just wante to say hi. I need some help, but I have no clue what. I don't care so much anymore. I just want this over, regardless of how it must be done.
I hope you are doing okay. I have missed talking to you. :)

Hi Shay!

It's so good to hear from you. I have been wondering how you are doing and I really miss talking with you too. I'm so glad you wrote.

You really have a lot going on! Moving, interviews, traveling and all the appointments with therapy. Where are you thinking of moving to? And from what you said, it sounds like P would be coming with you. How do you feel about that?

What is a panel trustee? What kinds of things would you do?

I'm glad you are back seeing Linda. The last time we talked, you were in the middle of a break from therapy and you were not sure what you wanted to do about going. How do you feel about the progress you have been making? You mentioned that you feel depressed and that there is part of you that does not care. And that you are obsessing about the shame and guilt. Do you agree with that observation? What kind of symptoms are you having?

I am glad you have Debra and that you can talk with her about how you feel. It is so important that you have support outside of therapy, that someone to talk to without the intensity of therapy.

I hope you can keep trying to convince P that you don't want to go to Seattle. It sounds like the downtime would really help.

Sorry so many questions but I wanted to get an idea of where you are now with everything so we can talk about it and find some ways to help you feel better. I have some ideas about what might be going on :)

It's great to talk with you again Shay.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Good morning, Kate.
P is the one who wants to move, but she does want me to go to. And I am fine with that. Although I have some trouble getting alone time, it makes a big difference having someone to share duties with and especially with the dogs. It would be complicated otherwise, too. Her brother is moving to a really cool community north of Albuquerque, and I really like the small-town feel, and the fact that the houses aren't right next to each other and there are some awesome houses. It would make it a longer trip to work (we literally live only 6 min away from the office), but only about a 1/2 hour, & I'm okay with that. My main thing is staying at the same church. We've just starte considering a move this past weekend, so who knows whether we will do it. Also depends on how much our present house is worth. We both are on the title and it is paid off. The houses were looking at are more expensive, but it would be a pretty small mortgage. But I do t want to do it unless we find the perfect place. We will see.
The panel trustee job is administering bk cases. These positions never come up. It will help when I apply for judge next time. I spoke to 2 of the 4 existing trustees yesterday, & they seem to think I would enjoy it and would be a good fit. I don't know who applied or is being interviewed, though. we will see.
I didn't really take a break from therapy - a short one b/c Linda was out of town, and had had some spare aptmts for the same reason. I had a bad few weeks several weeks ago. Cried all the time and could not get control of it sometimes. Even left work early a few days. Would just go home and cry. I have better control now. I haven't been to church much lately, but forced myself to go the past 2 Sundays. I can't stand to be around thataby people.
I was so confused for a while, b/c l was told expressing my feelings was good, but then I got really upset in therapy a few times, and then Linda seemed to want to keep me from getting upset in session. She said it was because I was slipping into the guilt/shame feelings and beating myself up & when I did, she couldn't get through to me and I didn't even hear her, and was not rational, and it was not good for me. Then she came up with the conclusion, by looking back through all her notes and things I have written, that I was obsessive. It makes sense, as she explained it, but the compulsive things in the books do not seem to apply much at all. She agrees that I don't have OCD, but says the tools are the same to work with it. I don't know what I think. I had an appointment yesterday. And had even told her ahead of time I needed to just talk and get some stuff out, because I wa nearing that " exploding" feeling again, and had been close for a week. But we got nowhere. It was a waste, I felt, and I left more upset than when I had came, but not because we addressed anything. I am frustrated.
Plus, it seems that the past 2 sundays' sermons and all sorts of thing I read, and something Linda gave me to read yesterday, all are about how we deal with bad things, focusing on the good, etc. Fine. I get it - I need to be positive. But I'm not and I can't (or won't) make myself. Those things make me feel worse. I guess the message is that I'm making myself miserable. Fine. So be it. I don't care. I don't web feel like praying at all anymore. So I don't.
I feel like I'm stuck going to Seattle today. Otherwise, it will really hurt P's feelings and cause a problem. I've been telling her for weeks that this is really a time problem for me, but I don't think she gets it. She has apologized for the scheduling, but she didn't make the arrangements. They just don't understand how stressful this is for me. P thinks it will be relaxing for me to get away. It just will make things worse being around 3-4 other people constantly. But my not going, especially at this point, will upset her and tasks Her think I am mad @ her. So I feel I have to go. I'm so tired of doing things I don't want to do. That being said, maybe it will turn out to be good. I don't know. Because the thought of staying here $ having to deal with other people is not so attractive, either.
I so flipping tired and really irritable. I feel like its a catch-22. I either have to act like all is fine or people bug me trying to find out what's wrong or make me feel better. I'm to the point where people's breathing is even irritating me. I thought I was going to explode yesterday b/c Jamie kept sniffling. I wanted to scream. She started telling me about some of the employees of the other firm getting into a huge argument yesterday and I snappe at her - I don't care. Why does she feel the need to even tell me? I don't want drama or to hear about it. Ugh.
So that is what is going on. I feel like just - I'm not sure. I resent goin to Linda, and I resent that dr m keeps making me come back each month. I have to go - otherwise I can't get my adderall refills, which would make things worse for me. But she barely discusses meds. He asks how I am and then states at me and doesn't believe me. She doesn't say much, but expects me to talk. I can't even look at her.
I've just had it, I guess. I've never thought so much about dying. I'm not suicidal. Just thinking about how easy it would be, but it would have to seem an accident. I'm not considering it. Just think it would be easier. But, of course, I would never tell anyone here about that.
But, as I said, Debra has been as supportive as possible, and her friend in Va that went through a similar thing is good to talk to, because she seems to understand everything I feel. But I don't talk with her a whole lot.
So I'm sure you didn't want THAT much info. :).

Hey! I am working on your answer and didn't want you to think I wasn't going to respond. Be back in a few.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That's fine :). I wasn't concerned. I'm just packing and trying to relax. Got all my work done (enough of it) before leaving work yesterday that I don't have to go in to work before my interview. So I'm trying to relax for a little bit. P went to get her nails done, so I am enjoying an hour or so of alone time. :)

Thanks for telling me all of that. Yes, I did want to know what you have been feeling. And I understand.

The overall feeling that comes across is that you feel you are doing a lot of things to please others but that you do not feel like you are getting your needs met. You mentioned going with P today even though you really do not want to. You said it would hurt her feelings. So in a way, you feel trapped because you do not want to be responsible for her feelings. That is a lot of pressure and guilt! You know that you are not responsible for P's feelings, but there is something about disappointing her that is bothering you. That is the key to why it is too hard to say no to her. It could be that you need the relationship, that it is essential to you or that there is something about disappointing P in particular or others in general that bothers you.

I do think Linda is on the right track with the OCD thinking. It does not sound like you have OCD but it is similar type of thinking. And I understand what you are going through. You have a very logical mind and razor sharp thinking patterns. It is easy for you to analyze every detail of what you feel. It is probably what helped you survive what you went through as a child and helped you cope with the trauma. But in therapy and recovery, it can be a hindrance. Feelings are not concrete, not easy to understand and cannot be analyzed until they make sense. They just are. And that can be very difficult to accept and not fight. Guilt and shame about the trauma is confusing. It makes sense why you feel it and why it's there, but letting it go will not make sense. Just saying yes I feel this, it is ok and I can let go is hard. You cannot reason it out. Much of feeling better means saying OK without understanding why.

You may also want to look at what is holding you where you are. There is a sense of obligation you have to others, a feeling that you "need" to work through this (putting pressure on you) and the depression. Sometimes it is scary to think about recovery, even if you don't realize it. Letting go is such a big part of moving forward. And you have had abuse, trauma and tension your whole life. It can become a way of life. Just a thought.

The tension you are feeling is a symptom of something conflictual going on inside. Irritability means something is bothering you, maybe a feeling of vulnerability or fear. Being angry and irritable is a way to protect yourself. And your feeling that you don't want to be near others can also be a sign that you feel overwhelmed by your situation. Saying you don't care and wanting to die are also signs you feel things are not in your control and that you feel you can't cope. I know you mentioned not hurting yourself, which I am relived to hear, but just the feeling says you are looking for an escape. All signs that whatever is going on, you want out of the situation.

I'm so glad you have Debra and the woman from VA to talk with. It sounds like those two contacts have been a relief for you and helpful in many ways.

If I don't catch you, have a safe trip. And if you can, consider coming home early. You will have been there for P so your guilt will be less and you can get some time for you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you think I am actually depressed? Linda, for a while, was looking for signs of it, and dr m asks me, but I think we concluded that I'm upset and perhaps grieving - not in depression. But now I feel depressed (or what I think is that? ) - but I'm on zoloft and Wellbutrin. is that maybe just the feeling that I want to get out o the situation, as you mentioned? I feel like you know me better than them - maybe because we talked so much and not just at a given time and I can say things in writing to you I can't say in person to them. I feel like you understand. So I've really missd talking to you. I was trying to be financially responsible and thought, too, that maybe it was a sign I should stop using you as a crutch. But really - I paid almost $400 last week for dr m, krakow and Linda, and I felt nobody understood (except krakow - sleep dr. - the sleep thing is making good progress). I do feel good about Debra and Shari (from va). Debra told me that after hearing my story, she honestly does feel differently about me, but not in a bad way. She said she admires me more and understands more. That was what I needed to hear. Not "it makes. I difference" - because it does to me. She is our head pastor's wife, yet totally understands my need to not be at church sometimes and when I am purposely stepping away from God. She subtly tells me God's words and promises, but not in a condescending or you-must-do-this kind of way. her husband, Dan, is great, too. I do feel vey lucky, and having Shari say things that she felt that are exactly how I feel is good.
About P - I think I made her seem manipulative. She is far from it. The thing is, she is honestly the nicest person I know. She was treated like a slave being the only daughter of 4 kids (instead of brin treated like the princess o the family, it was like she was Cinderella). Her ex-husband was an alcoholic abd treated her terribly, and when I met her (her divorce was just winding up), she would take the blame for absolutely everything. She deserves to be treated well and vied. She does so much for me, we may be snappy sometimes (me more than her), but we don't argue, and she has even through a ton in the last several years, with Her brother (who she adored) dying very quickly 4 years ago, taking care of her parents and going through their deaths in the past year, only 6 months apart, and now having to deal with everything as their personal representatives and trustee. She is such an easy target for people. And this thing with A and C has been incredibly hard on and hurtful to her. Her family is somewhat split now (because I pulled the trigger on that - although we all still know it was the right thing to do), but she is the one who I being hurt as a consequence. So I will do anything I can to not hurt her.
The problem is that because she is vulnerable and I apparently lack affect, some of the things i do or do not do hurt he, because she thinks thu mean something they don't. She would never try to tell me what to do, buty silence she takes as agreement, and really believes I want to do something as much a she does. If I don't want to go to the cabin or something, I feel like I have to tell her right off the bat, b/c I I say nothing, she assumes I'm on board, and if I decide not to go, she thinks iI must be mad at her or not want to be around her. And if I need to be alone, she takes it personally. That is getting better. I explained and explaine and she seems to understand now that it has little to do with her. She also understands better that when I don't want to share what Linda and I talk about or when I want to talk to Debra, it doesn't mean she's not my closest fried or that I'm mad at her.
Anyway, that is why I have to protect her feelings when I can. She deserves it and I feel like I have made an internal commitment to it.
Maybe I can come home early. Good idea - although I feel like I'd have to come up with an excuse.
Well, going to my Interview. I'll make sure to check in before I fly out - ill let you k iw how it went and also so I can accept your answer.
I just wondered whether you thought I was getting depressed and if so, why and what to do about it, and if not, what is wrong with me and what can I do? I'm losing endurance here (and interest and motivation and desire to do anything about any of this at this point). Is the probl my attitude?
Talk to you later.
It could be that you are depressed. I don't want to override Linda and Dr. M's evaluation because they are seeing you in person and I am not. And it is unethical for me to try to diagnose you without seeing you. I want you to have a good answer because it is important. So if Linda and Dr M are both saying you are not depressed, then it is probably true. It would not hurt to get a second opinion if you think their evaluation does not fit what you feel. You can also try looking over the symptoms yourself and see if you feel they fit. If they do, approach Linda about it again and see what she says. It could be that you are grieving too. The symptoms of depression and grief are pretty close. Here are two links to help you:

See if they help you determine what symptoms you are feeling and we can work it from there.

I'm not sure that attitude can affect how you feel as much as belief systems (perception) and coping mechanisms. In a way, you might be using your strength as an analytical thinker against yourself in therapy. And the inability to progress is stopped because you are looking at it all in intellectual detail rather than allowing yourself to let go. It can create a loop of logic that is hard to break through. It could cause you to feel depressed and frustrated, to the point that you want to give up.

I understand about P. And thanks for telling me more about the situation. It sounds like P really went through a lot in her life. Sometimes when someone is abused and hurt, boundaries are hard to understand. And P may need more emotionally because she never got her needs met by her parents or her relationships. And that is ok. It seems that both of you are finding ways to communicate better so you can set good boundaries. That helps you be there for her and be able to say no to her without her becoming hurt and taking it personally.

Thanks for saying what you did in the beginning of your post. I am so glad to be here for you, Shay. I am rooting for you to feel better and any way I can help with your recovery, I'm happy to do. I think you will feel better. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.


PS For the times you don't feel like going to church or just any time you want to feel closer to God there is a book I highly recommend. It's called When Blessings Come Through Raindrops by Laura Story. I have a copy and really find it comforting.
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks, ***** ***** like Laura Story's song "Blessings.". I'll check out the book.
I will look at the websites and talk to Linda about it and also ask dr m. About the depression. I'm the one who told them I wasn't depressed. I know what the questions mean, and how to answer them, although I don't know that I answered them inaccurately. I don't know. With dr m, I Was just trying to have as little conversation as possible. I was uncomfortable. But wondering if I am depressed. Some things don't fit - like the length of time and consistency. Oh well. Interview went pretty well. But won't even know for a few weeks if I have a scone interview. Apparently they're Interviewing 9 people. It lasted 90 minutes. Oh well.
I will talk to you soon! Thank you, Kate :)

You don't have to have every symp***** *****sted to qualify for depression. So even if you have only half of the symptoms listed, it is worth exploring.

Let me know what happens with the interview. I hope you get the job :)

Have a safe trip!


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey Kate. Really want to talk to you. Bit things are so crazy and Busy right now. I will try to open a new question tonight or this weekend. I hope all is well with you. Lots going on here. :)

Hi Shay, I was just thinking about you! Glad to hear from you. I can't wait to hear how things are. I'll look for your new question in the next few days.

Talk to you then,