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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3527
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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My Dad passed away early this summer. I am a divorced mother

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My Dad passed away early this summer. I am a divorced mother of two grown children. Two nights before the funeral, an old boyfriend stopped by the house to offer his sympathies. He is also divorced. Before I knew it, he was all over me, practically tearing my clothes off wanting to have sex! What do you think of a guy like that?
CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I believe by you seeking out an opinion you were turned off by this behavior.


CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of your Dads passing.


Customer:

Thank you. Well, at first I was a little flattered by the attention, but the more I thought about it, I have decided it was very disrespectful of me and the situation I was in, at the time.

CoachJenK :

I would have to agree. although it could feel nice to have an old flame show desire for you, it could have been handled in a more appropriate way such as I am here for you during this hard time and I hope maybe at some point in the future I could take you out for dinner. That seems a bit more comfortable, no?


Customer:

Absolutely! I don't know if he thought that was the best way to show he cares or what. He did attend the visitation the night before the funeral and also the funeral the next morning. We live about 90 miles apart and he has called on the phone a few times since the funeral, but I haven't heard a thing from him for about 4 weeks now. He hasn't offered to take me out to dinner and I have not offered to have him come to my place for a home cooked meal. During one of our phone conversations, I asked if he was dating anyone and he said he was seeing a "few" women, but NOT committed to anyone at this time. So, it looks to me, that if I pursue this relationship, I will need to share him with other women. Probably great for his world, but I afraid I could not emotionally handle such an arrangement. He claims he NEVER wants to lose my friendship.

CoachJenK :

it does seem that you are on different pages about what you desire and want right now. I think if he was interested in more than something physical he would ask you out on a proper date....but not to see you for a while and become so physical while you are in mourning seems a bit off to me.


Customer:

I agree. I think it is more than a bit off. I really think he is getting his needs met elsewhere, otherwise he would have called again by now. My question is: if he does happen to call again, would you answer the call when you see his number on caller ID? If so, would you tell him how it has felt to be treated this way, during the mourning process or how would you handle such a thing?

CoachJenK :

I might pick up the phone and see how he handles things...it seems that the physical is what he is after, so you know that going into it. If he asks why not? You can just tell him you are interested in more depth. If he behaved in that manner while you were in mourning, my hunch is he will never get it if you say something. If you were in a deep and committed relationship with him then i would suggest you express that, but not at this point...it is really just info for you to have to know more about him.


Customer:

What do you mean it is really just info for me to have to know more about him?

CoachJenK :

meaning that his behavior give you more information about who he is as a person and what he is looking for.


CoachJenK :

data collection.


CoachJenK :

does that makes sense?


Customer:

Yes it does---now I get it. I don't think he necessarily wants a loving relationship. What he wants mostly is SEX!

CoachJenK :

AMEN!


CoachJenK :

and a poor way of going about getting it..


Customer:

I agree. Like I said, it was so nice to have the attention; he's really a VERY nice looking, well built guy, but looks can be so deceiving. I'm thinking he has really gotten messed up in the last several years. I remember him having more "depth" as you say, years ago.

CoachJenK :

yes but what is clear to me is your depth and what you deserve in relation to that. If you

said to me, I just want to be free and easy and enjoy sex, then fine, but I hear more in you.

Customer:

Yes that's right; I just don't have the energy and stamina to play games anymore. I would appreciate having more in a relationship than just sex. Thanks for your help.

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure. Come to me anytime.


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