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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3436
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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How do I deal with a daughter-in-law that is lies about

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How do I deal with a daughter-in-law that is lies about things and I am unaware of these things until I hear it from my husband. I think things are fine and then suddenly I haven't responded right and our son is venting to his dad about the issue..If I zig I should have zagged. Unfortunately we are at the point of saying to our son, she has won we won't have contact and stay farther away than we already have. This has been going on for a year since they moved back to our home town. Please help just don't know what to do....
CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

This sounds like a very tough situation and the last thing I know you want is to lose contact with your Son.


CoachJenK :

It seems as if she would like to engage with you so she can "win" and if possible i just wouldn't bite and let her pull this nonsense.


CoachJenK :

your goal is to have a relationship with your son so keep that in mind when dealing with her.


CoachJenK :

I am NOT saying dance to her tune, but always know and remember what your goal is.


CoachJenK :

If she continues to bad mouth you to your son eventually he will tire of it and tell her to knock it off.


CoachJenK :

so, play the "game" smile, say hi, make your pleasantries and let her fall off the rails...he will see that at some point and ask of her something different in relation to you.


Customer:

I am setting here in tears, I have tried to be nice and she makes up some reason or situation that is so far off base I am wondering if I have lost my mind...And no he has pretty much let us know we are we are to stop doing whatever it is to anoy her...He has already mentioned the holidays that they are going to her family...We have tried so hard to stay away from them and let them be in their own world, not ask a thing from them, but it is alright for our son to us our property to park his trucks work on his trucks, but I am not supposed to be around when he or she is around....

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear of the tears and sadness. It is extremely painful what he is doing and she clearly has the desire to tear the relationship apart.


CoachJenK :

If you set the boundary for him and cut contact would that feel better for you?


CoachJenK :

I just worry that you would not feel right about that and if that is the case then you are at the mercy of this woman who sounds a bit trouble making.


CoachJenK :

see him alone without her and just keep your relationship strong.


CoachJenK :

do they have children?


CoachJenK :

You may be having some technical issues, but I am here so no worries.


Customer:

I have been trying to show him that we are fine with everything that is happening, and this past weekend is a perfect example...He drives truck, so he isn't home to often, the property that I mentioned is where he parks and uses the shed, there is an older home setting on the property that I have been fixing up to just do crafts in...When he was there at the same time I was I invited him in to see what I have done, and he and his adopted some who is 11 came in and while my other grandchild and his son (Dallas) played with Madison (grandaughter) we chatted and the kids played. Not for very long at all...my son and I had another quick moment where it helped me move something and was gone. Just brief but good moments that I savor. So they had friends this past weekend, so of course we stayed clear, but later saturday evening my husband and I went to the park where everyone was at, (small town get together) was visiting withsome friends then our son let us know where he was setting, she was not there at the time, so we sat several seats down from them....I was just setting there visiting with all the people I knew, she and her friend returned and just were chatting and eating their food, so I didn't worry nor did I intend to disturb her, and I get branded for not talking....Monday my son was so upset that he could hardley speak to his dad about me....Just don't know

CoachJenK :

so very frustrating because one could argue that when she returned to the area where you were that she could have walked over to say hello.


CoachJenK :

I agree that savoring the moments with your son when you have them is the best thing you can do.


CoachJenK :

she clearly needs a lot of attention.


Customer:

Did you get my last response? Because it will be hard for me to repeat it, but I will do the best I can....

CoachJenK :

the last response I got was about the gathering at the park and her expecting you to come over and I suggested that she could have come over to you since she was not in that area when you came over.


CoachJenK :

sometimes chat can be a bit finicky.


Customer:

Have I lost you??

CoachJenK :

no I am here. are you able to see my responses?


I switched to this mode since there were many difficulties in the chat. I am here so please let's continue.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I think I have lost you or is my time up??

I am still here. When there are technical issues in the chat, we switch to this Q and A mode, so I am still here with you, but it is not in chat format. Scroll above to see all that I have said above and let me know some more of your thoughts. Your time is NOT up, I am here to support you through this painful situation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Your wonderful thank you...You asked if Chad (son) has children, he adopted her son last year...He has an 18 year old daughter from another marriage who just went to college. So I guess what you are saying is exactly what we have been doing....we are just having trouble dealing with it.

Any mother would have trouble with this. I can completely sympathize with the pain you are feeling. She must feel threatened by you that she needs to try and tear things down. Keep doing all that you are and keep in mind that she is needy and likes attention. So, when you feel up to it go a bit overboard and just know that you are doing it to keep the peace and maintain your relationship with Chad.

I feel for you and am here if you need more support at any time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Ok thank you.

It is my pleasure Marilyn. Please take a moment to offer a rating of my work. My goal is EXCELLENT. Thank you in advance.
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