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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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I have read about this disorder and now feel that I have

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I have read about this disorder and now feel that I have attracted probably 3 men with this disorder and have had long term relationships with them (2 years or more) until I felt I was losing myself. Why would I be attracted to a man who has borderline personality disorder?
KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : People with borderline personality are very fearful of being abandoned.
KansasTherapist : Lin the early stages of a relationship, they put the new person on a pedestal.

I do understand that

KansasTherapist : They need to be close can be very endearing.

Yes they can be and I have experienced that. The last relationship just ended by me after many times of me stating we were not on the same page and breaking up on and off but taking him back because then he would "show up" for a little while

KansasTherapist : There are infinite difficulties in being in a relationship with someone with BPD. They have are so emotionally driven. If they feel you are mad at them, they can't believe anything else.
KansasTherapist : You can also easily become the worse perso in the world if you disappoint them.

Well, I just discovered he was sleeping with other women at the same time (and I am guessing without protection) and lying to me (I caught him). I did not let him know I knew this but broke up with him letting him know that I did not see a future between us and that I needed to move forward in my life. I believe that he is aware that I discovered his infidelities-so why would he be mad at me?

KansasTherapist : Because you are abandoning him.
KansasTherapist : There is nothing worse you can do to a person with BPD. Hthey feel like they're being destroyed.

And I tried not to abandon him, but how can you not when he is aware that my boundaries are such...I don't want someone who can't be with one woman only. I understand his position but how can I compromise who I am?

KansasTherapist : I don't think you should.
KansasTherapist : You have every reason to end the relationship but he doesn't accept it.
KansasTherapist : You have to be clear with him about why you're leaving and no going back.

I am very mature and very self aware, I pride myself on that; however, as much as I feel for him and feel his pain and sadness because to a certain point I see myself in him (I have never married or had children because of my fears) I believe I deserve what I deserve, a man who respects me enough to stick by me.

KansasTherapist : I completely agree with you.

And yes, maybe I need to explain "really" why I can't be with him (I texted him because he always manipulates me back to him) ... he hasn't called and it's been 3 weeks and I almost think that maybe I should let things be but I am afraid of running into him and having him be cold as ice.

KansasTherapist : You may need to just let things go. It would be too easy to engage with him again.

Yes it would and I am afraid of that but why do I attract such people. Does that mean I am not over what I went through in my childhood? If so, how can I change that?

KansasTherapist : To change that you probably need to get into therapy and work that out.

Well, since I don't have insurance it is difficult financially. I feel that I am getting closer by being more aware of my relationship choices.

KansasTherapist : It's frustrating when insurance stops people from getting what they need.
KansasTherapist : There is a good book by Marcia Linehan about BPD that might helps you.
KansasTherapist : Hang on a sec and I'll look up the title.
KansasTherapist : Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

Thank you, ***** ***** that and I will read it. However, I have discovered that I have always researched "other" people/relationships instead of what is going on with me internally. I always thought I was confident and self assured when it comes to the world and my career but never felt that way in relationships. I guess I have to admit that I am not and need to address why I don't feel worthy of a good relationship.

KansasTherapist : Yes, many people struggle with relationships more than any part of their life.

Thank you for your time, have a good evening.

KansasTherapist : You're very welcome.
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