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I'm on my second night of crying insonsolably over yet

another lost love. I absolutely...
I'm on my second night of crying insonsolably over yet another lost love. I absolutely adore this guy who've I've been talking to for 2 years (but we have never met in person). He decided to find a 24 year old who just moved to his town to be closer to him within the past 2 months. It seems this is a trend - I'm 45, divorced (my ex was gay) and am thinking I must be totally hopeless since I can't seem to outcompete the 20 year olds. I am just at a total loss - I feel like such a loser. I already have a regular counselor and am on effexor, but tonight I am just lost.
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Answered in 7 hours by:
8/12/2012
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in.

CoachJenK :

my first reaction is to say to you of course you will meet someone where the fit is right and it just hasn't happened yet.

CoachJenK :

But I am aware how you aren't able to see and feel that right now as you have pinned your hopes on this man as you have been communicating with him for quite some time.

CoachJenK :

The experience that you are having with men going for younger women is quite common and frustrating to deal with so we must open up the possibilities of looking for someone who is in a different stage of maturity and is looking for the woman that you are. I will wait for you to come online so we can chat. I am hoping you have managed to get some sleep after feeling so sad last night.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

Tell me how you are today.

Customer:

Hi - somewhat better - took a short road trip and that helped - but starting to think too much again.


CoachJenK :

yes when you get trapped in your mind that is when the anxiety creeps up.

CoachJenK :

tell me about the beautiful road trip...lets go back there

Customer:

I drove about 2 hours up to a shrine I've been intending to go to - very beautiful, did a lot of quality praying and thinking plus a nice walk around the grounds. Left hopeful, but darn it I wish I knew what I could have done different. And then thinking why am I so hung up over someone who doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him?

CoachJenK :

I think that sounds lovely. I dont think it has anything to do with what you could have done differently...this is not the man....who can date these younger women....doesnt sound like much depth. And from what you write above you sound with a lot depth

Customer:

I'd like to think so - but in person I generally just assume because I'm overweight it's a lost cause - this one apparently lost interest with what I consider my strong suits - personality, wit, and empathy (and such).


CoachJenK :

and sadly many are stuck in the shallow and I am sorry you are getting the brunt of that. love yourself and grow from it.

Customer:

I know I need to work on my self-esteem - just hard to find the small successes to build on sometimes when I'm so self critical.


CoachJenK :

you are not a loser at all. A woman looking for love.

Customer:
Customer:

Thank you - I just wish I knew where to start looking - this was a matter of happenstance (the one now with the 24 year old). Who - by the way - I've also talked to via internet gaming and she's very nice - but am still not feeling very charitable about her right now.


CoachJenK :

that is because you have a lovely heart. dont let this last experience harden that.

CoachJenK :

Take some time to be on your won and enjoy the things you like and through that all possibilities can happen.

Customer:

Sorry - chat is locked up.

CoachJenK :

no worries. I am here. chat has problems sometimes

CoachJenK :

sometimes reply doesnt work but it will eventually. so sorry

CoachJenK :

any luck? if not I can switch to Q and A. it wont be live chat but I will respond right away.

CoachJenK :

ok I will switch now. I am still with you.

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I am here.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

ok - sorry about that! Now I see where the q&a mode is.

I just wish things like personality and heart were in more demand. It's why I wonder what else is wrong with me if after all this time they don't seem to count.

Personality and heat are in demand, you may just not have lined up with the right one who was seeking the same. When a relationship ends, our self-esteem takes a hit, but I truly want you to dig deep inside and nourish yourself and give the self love that is needed to heal and grow from this.

Each day will get a bit easier and keep doing all the things you love as you did today. If you have the desire to listen to some relaxation and self-hypnosis Cd's take a look at www.SteveGJones.com his work is amazing and has every topic under the sun and you can listen to a clip of his voice before you purchase. Let me know what you think.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I just bookmarked his site - looks like it will be good. I don't suppose my odds of him changing his mind and coming back are very good?
Why would you want him to really? He is giving you a great view into what his desires are and his lack of depth is showing.
I want you to love and respect yourself more so that you truly know and believe you deserve more. I can really hear your pain that is probably long standing but you can heal and there are others out there who will love you and want you for you.

**sorry for the typo in the above thread when I said personality and "heat" are in demand. although it gave me a chuckle, I meant to say "heart."
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Well - you have a point. He'd have to do quite a bit at this point I'd guess if I'm being strong. The only other hiccup this causes is I usually do on-line gaming with this group - and just really really can't stand to at the moment. But I have other good friends in the group who I miss and who miss me. So will have to figure something out.

And I knew what you meant and thought it was funny too - I think I can have "heat" too! :)

yeah maybe it wasn't a typo or slip after all...maybe heat is good....we need you to get some fire and heat and go for what you want. :-)

When you are ready you will go back to your online gaming and enjoy the other friends. The pain will lessen. Don't give over your activities or your sense of empowerment to anyone.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
True I know. Am a bit out of sorts with a couple of my male friends because I (unreasonably I know) would like some sort of loyalty and they are kind of "well, if they're happy, good for them" camp and not understanding where I consider this a competition I've lost. Of course the other lady has no idea, as far as I know, that the guy and I were involved at any level.
Just breathe and work on letting it all go. You can do this.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
OK - i will try. Do you have a couple of recommendations on ***** *****' site that you think would be good for me? And you're pretty sure I'm not a lost cause in relationship world?
I like this one for you. http://www.stevegjones.com/innerpeaceforwomenhypnosiscdmp3.htm

This is a fun one. http://www.stevegjones.com/lovemagnetmenhypnotherapycdmp3.htm

I do not believe at all that you are a lost cause in the relationship world. Know you deserve a lot, know that you deserve mutuality and heat. :-)
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Heat would be nice! :) Thank you so much - I think a nice bath and I should be able to sleep. I think I just need to plan some evening activities for a bit so I don't keep falling into this awful evening pattern.
It has been my pleasure. Come to me anytime you need support. The bath sounds divine.
I like the idea of the evening activities...maybe a long after dinner walk just breathing and taking in your presence in the world.

Rest easy.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you SO MUCH! *sending virtual hugs* I appreciate the support, it's nice to hear I'm not hopeless. Have a good night too. OH - if I would like to ask a question of you again is there a way to ask for you?
When you begin a new question put for CoachJenK at the beginning and it will come to me. I am here to help. You are not hopeless at all.

I thank you in advance for you taking the time now to offer a rating of my work.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I will do that next - Thank you again!
My pleasure.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
TherapistJen and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
3,569 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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