Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like you are caught in an abusive marriage that has caused you to feel depressed, unloved and isolated. You mentioned that your husband hitting you does not seem like abuse to you because you have hit him back. But the fact that he isolates you, hits you, yells at you and does not listen to your needs or consider them at all does describe abuse. He has taken your freedom away and as a result, your relationship is unbalanced. Here is a link that can help you learn more about abuse and what you can do about it:http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Feeling trapped and unloved can be the cause of your low motivation and depression. Your husband is not allowing you to have any choices in where you live, who you live with and how you conduct your life. You are trying to help by letting him make the choices but he is not including you in those decision or hearing what you need to make your life better and more happy. By ignoring your needs, he is saying to you that you are not important. And that can hurt you to the point that you feel depressed.
Your feelings about the past when you felt their was hope in your life shows that you are very unhappy where you are. You want to feel attractive again, which you do not get in your marriage, and you want to feel happy and loved. Those are very normal desires and you deserve to have those things in your life.
Support is the main key to getting your life back to where you want it to be. By reaching out to friends, family and counselors, you can get the support you need to re build your life and live like you wish to. The first step is to figure out who can help you and to talk with domestic abuse counselors who can guide you on how to get out of your marriage. They can also give you places to turn that will provide you with shelter and help with your income including assistance. The second step is to learn more about your choices. Here are some other resources to help you:http://www.vaonline.org/dv.htmlhttp://www.familyservicetoronto.org/programs/vaw/centres.html
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by ***** *****
Finding Your Way Through Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Physical, Emotional, And Spiritual Healing by Connie Fourre
With the right support and knowledge about your options, you can find a better life and be happier.
I hope this has helped you,