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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5820
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. Emotional night again last night, although I was at

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Hey Kate. Emotional night again last night, although I was at work till 8 and managed to keep it together until I got to my car. This morning I had court, at which I was fine, but when I got back here, I crid when I read a motion in one of my cases because I felt the allegations against my client were so unfair. ??? I may have to leave early again.

When you are grieving, it is normal to get upset at anything. That is because your feelings are so close to the surface that it doesn't take much to trigger them. How much work have you done with grief? Did you and Linda get to talk about it or work with it in any way?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I don't think so. I mean, she has mentioned it several times, like when I cry, that I must be grieving over what happened or whatever, and Dr. M has said, when I have explained to her that I cry a lot in session or whatever (or when Linda told her I did) that it is normal to cry because I'm grieving ... and Monday, when she returned my message from Friday asking if the increased dose of zoloft could be making me feel worse, that she thought I was grieving. And you have mentioned it a number of times. But as far as "working" with it - no, I guess not.

If this is "grieving" (which concept seems so confusing to me), it is ironic, because in the past several days, in addition to having nightmares, I had a very realistic dream one night that I was in jail and there were several random people there that I knew, who were really disappointed in me, and basically saying goodbye and how sad it was that I had thrown away my life and others' and it was because I had just been convicted of murdering my friend, Katie (the one who died several months ago). I was so upset with myself and somehow knew I had done it. Her brother was there and was mad at me, but at least would talk to me, but he said their dad was too mad at me to even look at me. As I said, in the dream, I knew I had done it, but didn't remember it or why, and was trying tofigure out if I had admitted it or neede d to not admit it in case I was going to appeal. It was strange, but the jail seemed nice.

Then the next night I had a dream that I was in my drum teacher's shop (although it wasn't the same shop - it was much bigger), and he was showing me some tihings, and I couldn't do it very well, and I was there a long time, and he was talkng to a bunch of otherpeople but wanted me to practice something. I knew he was going to die that day, so I thought that I would stick around as long as he wanted me to, but I had to run home and get a book. When I was home, I was really tired, and thought to myself that I didn't have to go back - my lesson was over and he was working with other people anyway, and I had pretty much decided just to stay home, and felt bad about it because I knew he would die and I wouldn't see him again. I didn't so much care for my sake, but was battling in my head between not wanting to upset him by not returning and thinking that he probably wouldn't notice and it was no big deal.

Very weird. But if I am grieving, I thought it was appropriate I had been dreaming about dead people. :)

I am struggling at work today. I am getting work done, but I am so easily irritated. It is Austin's last day (he is going back to college next week) and he is also doing a lot of projects (like putting up new shelves for me, etc.), but I cannt stand to have my door open for more than about 15 minutes. Then I have to close it. I can't stand hearing other people talk or staple or whatever. Jamie's laughing is driving me absolutely insane. I want to explode. I feel so angry at them for absolutely no reason, and so I have to keep my door shut most of the time to avoid blowing up at them. It's like monster PMS, except that's not it, and it is more intense. I do not want anyone near me.

It does seem strange to be grieving when you have gone through a trauma. Many people think of grieving as something associated with losing a loved one. But any type of loss, even if it is emotional like through a trauma, can cause grief. You suffered so much as a child not being able to express yourself and also by taking on all that responsibility. You also never got the affection you needed from your parents (even if you did have it by others like your relatives it still was not from your parents who are the most important people in your life as a child) and that is a loss. Then the trauma from the attack and all the losses you suffered going through that. I think you may have just reached a point in your recovery where those losses all got to you at once. You may also just need this time to acknowledge what you lost. You never really were able to do that at any point in your life since childhood. Repressing your feelings became very important because of what happened to you.

Your dreams are very interesting. As I read what you wrote, I recognized a lot of the feelings you have that you and I have talked about over the past few months. The guilt (convicted of murder), the disappointment of others and being shunned by others (possibly transference of your own feelings). All of those seem related to feelings you have had about yourself.

And the one with your drum teacher was interesting too. Both dreams had to do with losses you have had while trying to work through your own issues. Your mind may have latched on to the concept of grieving and used the deaths in your life as a way to interpret your feelings about your own losses, guilt and shame.

Being irritated is normal. Your feelings are right there, on the surface. Grieving doesn't only mean tears. You can be angry and irritated and draw into yourself. You may feel like an open wound and any "irritation" of that will bring feelings up. Monster PMS is a good way to describe it!

I hope you are able to get some down time tonight. It will help you cope with how you feel. And if you can, try to take care of yourself. It will take the edge off.

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Makes sense. P said today on the phone that maybe the stress of the whole thing with A, meeting with JE, moving offices and her parents' memorials all in the past month are adding up, too. Maybe. Obviously I haven't been able to totally hide the way I am feeling from p, since I have been crying so much and came home early the other day. But I can't tell her what's wrong because I don't know and don't really want to talk to her about it anyway. But she seems okay with that.
I am getting a massage tomorrow, which will be good. My whole body hurts for no apparent reason. I mean, I'm not that old!
Your thoughts on the dreams are interesting. I'll have to think about that.
But you know, other than self-imposed things, have I really lost anything I was supposed to have or keep? So much of what I feel I lost I never really had. Like I had illusions about the world, people, myself. But those were never true - I just didn't know any better. Some other things were things I thought I should have (a sex life, relationship, etc., for instance), but I didn't have them yet - and I wasn't supposed to have them, I guess. So is that still a loss? Why do I think I was somehow entitled to those things? And most of the reasons I don't have them is not because of what happened, but because of how I handled it (or didn't). It's hard to figure out. I feel in my heart that it's not fair, but when I think it through, I think it may be just. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about figuring it out right now. I'm just very sad. Have a good weekend, Kate. Thank you.
When you were hurt, you lost your feeling of safety. Everyone has that sense around them that they feel ok in their world. You lost that, plus your feelings around your sex life and relationships. Everyone is entitled to make those choices and those guys took some of that from you so yes, it is a loss. They don't own you but what happened did affect you and choices you made.

Enjoy your massage!

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Just FYI - they cancelled this subscription too. Apparently they have a new policy where mental health questions are not covered by subscription plans. So I will use the pay-per-question, but will have to use it more carefully, since I could easily run up quite a cost. :)
I appreciate you!

I understand. You can always contact the moderators to talk about your options and see if they have any answers for you.

And thank you for what you said. That was nice to hear! :)


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I meant it. I will see. I understand their reasoning. I mean, I'm really costing them money. But I had offered to pay more per month. In any event, I can do it the pay-per-? way. Just can't talk as much. But ... Same with the thing w/ Linda... Probably leaning on you too much anyway :)

Not from my point of view! But whatever you feel works for you I'm fine with.