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John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 625
Experience:  25+ years helping people find solutions...
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I think my girl friend has BPD :(

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I think my girl friend has BPD :(
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.
I figure it is frustrating getting to the Point you think this. I would love to help you with this. Could you give more details though? What makes you think she has BPD? Be as detailed as possible. Thank you!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We just moved in together in a great apartment and all of a sudden she's at the end of her rope with my ADD and demands I get help. This is after 16 years. I can't discuss anything with her with out her getting angry.

There could be other stresses involved here other than BPD. It sounds as if the moving in together maybe triggered something to me Do you know much about her relationship history? What might be triggering this? By the way, I am adult ADD myself and we can be difficult to deal with at times. When you say after 16 years, are you referring to your time together? I notice you are 64. How old is she?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

She's 59, ADD is all of a sudden a do or die situation? I"m not denying I have it but I asking her to do couples conselling and shes basically saying its all my problem She's never been married and had another relationship with a lot of fighting and anger.

Here are the symptoms of BPD as outlined in the DSM. You can find more details at

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

I didn't really hear this from what you have said. Go ahead and change my mind though. It does sound to me this recent move maybe has brought some stress to her that has triggered this. Do you mind telling me what it is specifically about your ADD that seems to bother her so much? I am sorry for the continued questions, but I do want to be a help.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I started to see a therapist at her urging and he seems to be asking my why am I staying in a relationship with a woman who always in control and whom I haven't had sex with in three years.Which is quite surprising. He seems to be intimateing that she's a problem child and the universe revolves around her. It's all so confusing. She's made ADD more of a monster than it is.

Well, as far as ADD goes, you have my support. I have managed to use it to my advantage over the years. I can accomplish more without thinking about it....literally, than most can while thinking about it. It is all a matter of making it work for you.

Has she always been this way? Could this be menopause? Why do you stay?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She definetely has periods of anxiety and depression. She hasn't had her period for over 4 years. Things seem to be more intense since we took this apartment 45 days ago
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Did I disconnect myself :(
No I was putting my response. I will retype it now. Dont respond until you see my answer. lol

Here goes again...

As I said earlier, we ADD folks can be frustrating to live with, but it does sound you are making genuine efforts toward improvement. Sounds to me she needs to make some effort as well. This really doesnt sound like BPD to me, but you are the one living with her. If I were you I would try to find a way to gracefully suggest she see an OBGYN or at least GP. This very well could be related. Not sure I would be upfront about it. A doctor could prescribe meds for anxiety and depression as well. If you wish to continue this relationship, you probably need to give some bounadaries for her. You have attended therapy . It is time she attends with you. It sounds to me your therapist was dead on, but you might benefit as a couple from couples therapy. Dont accept no for an answer. It is time she share at least a little of the remedy if not the blame.

I hope this all works out for you. Let me know if you have questions or want further dialog. I really do want to be a help to you.

Thank you!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well, it seems that we are at a crisis stage, I'm going to let her know that I'm feeling the pressure to make a unilateral decision and it's not fair to her or me to do so. She said she's willing to go in three months time to couples counciling but I think it's important we go now. If she refuses I'm going to have to figure out a gentle way of suggesting we go our separate ways.
I agree with you. I am not sure she has given you a choice. I hope it works out to the best...
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the confirmation. Great use of internet technology. Take care.
Your welcome! I am glad to be a help. I hope you will leave me positive feedback at the prompting. This is the only way I can receive compensation for my service to you. Thank you!
John-Michaels and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.
John Michaels, MS, LPC