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Ask Florida-Counselor Your Own Question
Florida-Counselor, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 14
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida. Experience working with children, adults, young adults and the elderly.
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Do you give relationship advice?

This answer was rated:

Hi, do you give relationship advice?
Florida-Counselor :

Hi! What sort of advice are you needing?

Florida-Counselor :

Are you having trouble in your relationship with your partner?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I met a very nice and charming man at the beginning of the year after being married for 7 years and having separated only last year. I liked his ways a lot and though I did not think I was ready for a new relationship I wanted to give it a try. I told him from the beginning that I still needed some space after coming out of a controlling and hurtful relationship. I liked the fact that he was very understanding and seemed to have his own life and his own friends mainly because this is something I did not want to give up again myself.

I am quite independent and like doing things separately occasionally and thought this was no problem for him also. Since we met we spent almost every weekend and one day during the week with each other, we live about 40min by car from each other. 6 weeks ago all kinds of problems kept creeping up and he became ever so controlling the more he fell in love with me. I think with his former partner, who died 7 years ago, he used to do everything together but I am a bit different. We have many mutual interests and do a lot together which is equally important to me as to him - but I still feel that I also need my own space a couple of nights per week to relax and simply have some ‘me’ time which I deserve after my previous relationship. But this is also the way I am, I don’t have to be clued together in a relationship 24/7 as long as there is trust! I trust him completely even though I have less reason to since I have been betrayed badly by my ex. He on the other hand had a lovely relationship with his wife who died 7 years ago. He also had much more time to get over the death of his wife, I hardly had any time to recover from my previous relationship. I thought he would be understanding and was in the beginning but now it seems like he just wants everything his way. I fell in love with him and was very committed and faithful despite the fact that we live apart and don’t see each other every day. He is also 15 years older than I and partly retired meaning he has a lot more time on his hand than I do. Some evenings I simply need to myself to do things in my flat, see friends etc. I once mentioned that I still want to be independent and he took it completely the wrong way but I have since explained that I just need some days where I can have a bit of time to myself. I always told him that I loved him, adored him etc. and that he can trust me as I am faithful to him. It has only been about 5 months that we have met but he was thinking of moving in together. He has become increasingly jealous and I feel a very restricted by this. I don’t give him any reason to not trust me but I am an open and friendly and funny character and don’t want to feel that I have to change my ways. On one hand he wants me to tell him everything on the other he takes things the wrong way. His confidence has gone down so much and whereas before I completely adored him for his uncomplicated ways I am now not sure anymore. We parted arguing a few days and I have not heard from him but since he hurt me again I did not want to make contact now. We were about to go home to see my family in a week’s time but I am now not so sure whether to even go with him. I would not want to be under a lot of stress with him when seeing my family. He has also taken up counsel, which is great but so far I have not seen any improvement, he seems so serious all the time. I still wonder what has triggered this, I was so happy – maybe he was not. Maybe he wanted more too quickly but now he achieved the opposite because I am drawing back.

It sounds as though things have changed quite a bit since you began seeing him, or rather he has changed quite a bit since the beginning of your relationship, which was only 5 months ago. It does appear that you have reason to "draw back" and re-evaluate your relationship and what each of you expects from the other.
The fact that he is seeing someone to help him is a good sign, though you may not see any results for some time, if ever.
Is it possible for you two to have an open, non-accusing conversation about what it is each of you wants out of your relationship? The ability to opening communicate is key in any relationship, and if you can't do it (for whatever reasons) things will continue to be hard for both of you.
If the relationship means a lot to you, and you really want to work on it, perhaps a couples counselor might help you negotiate this tough time.
Regardless, from what you have written, I am seeing some signs of control issues on his part. Seeing as though you have just come out of a controlling marriage (not long ago, I might add), I urge you to use caution and not jump into another controlling, hurtful situation. That is not to say that the relationship is "doomed" but that it may be best to slow down and open up the lines of communication so that you are both getting what you need from each other.
I hope this helps!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you, ***** ***** tried to communicate and it seems to work and I am always very happy when it does but then it starts all over again when he gets into a strange mood. I believe we think different in what a relationship should be like. From what I gather and what I explained about doing my own things sometimes he would only tolerate it but not like it - this could be thrown back at me at any time.

I wonder whether I should be the one contacting him now or just leave it. It does not make things easier that we were going away on holiday next week for him to meet my family and I am not sure whether to contact him at all?

Thanks for your advise.



That is a tough question because of the timing of everything. However, because you are both grown ups, and the plan was for you to go away together next week, I think that you should definitely talk with him about it unless you are ready to "write off" the whole relationship.
You need to discuss 1. Whether or not you are still going away together (or whether you want to go on your own or cancel the trip altogether) and 2. Where this situation leaves the two of you and your relationship.
Those are the basics of what you need to discuss. I hope that it works out for you, however that may be!
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