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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my wife of 12 years was located via face book by a guy she

Customer Question

my wife of 12 years was located via face book by a guy she went to school with they then started texting alot she put a password XXXXX her phone, and would go to the bathroom while on dates with me to text him, we have had not the greatest marriage in the past she recently lost alot of weight and our sex life was getting alot better and more often, i nkept chalanging her talking with this guy and told her that he was just tyring to get into her pants and she said no its not like that we are just friends. she asked me to move out one morning after I asked her why she keeps taking her phone into the bathroom, i moved out a week or so later to give her some space so we can work thigs out but i knew as long as she was taqlking with him that i was doomed. she started treating me worse and getting farther away so I aksed if she was haveing sex with him and of course she denied like she did the last time we seperated 7 years ago she finalyy admitted that she has been haveing sex with what do i d
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am so sorry to hear about your sad situation. You are not in a very good position.

Your wife's affair with this man might fade out, or it may drag on for a long time. She is a serial cheater, and she has done this twice - that you know about. She knows that you will take her back and even continue to pay for her expenses and work on her car while she is having sex with another man.

She has even kicked you out of your house. She has it all her way, and all you have is heartbreak because you are in love with her. She knows it and knows she can keep you on a string forever. She has no concern for your feelings, which means she is probably a narcissist, to have this lack of empathy for you, and can manipulate you, and can make everything about what she wants. Narcissism is sociopathic behavior

If you want to endure this and hope that she will break up with this guy and take you back because you take care of her and put up with her, then all you have to do is wait.

You do have the option of filing for divorce, taking your FAIR share of the marital possessions, and moving on with your life without her, then you can take this option. I understand that you would like to fix everything. That is your first instinct, and it is normal. You can probably do that, unless this guy has more to offer in the long run. Then she will toss you away. (Actually she already has, but she is holding you by one string, because she can, and because she might need you again - until her next affair).

Narcissists are the world's best liars and con artists. She will tell you whatever you want to hear, and you will believe her. She will never think twice about hurting you if she can't help it (when you catch her cheating). She will never change. Narcissists NEVER change.

If you want to let this blow over and hope to go back with her, you can do it, but you will not fix anything. You will have to go through this again, if you get back with her now..

You must decide whether:

  • -you want to take charge of your life and move ahead without her. Yes, it will hurt, but you will get over it, and if you are fortunate you will find someone who treasures you
  • -you want to get back with her (she'll take you back when the affiar blows over) and take the chance (close to 100%) that it will happen again.

This is your decision to make. Choose what you think will make you happiest, not only in the short term, but in the long term.

If you are considering leaving, or if you want to know about narcissistic relationships, I strongly urge you to read this book, available at and elsewhere.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy LCSW JD (Jul 1, 2011)

I wish you great strength and wisdom, and hope that you can resolve this in your favor. Once again you have my deep understanding for the pain you are enduring. You will get past this and find happiness in your life.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC