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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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I started dating with a man and I noticed some weired

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I started dating with a man and I noticed some weired behaviour for which I would like to have some advice from an expert. We have not had sex yet but every time he comes close to me, to kiss me or to give me a hug etc he gets aroused by inflicting pain on me. When we come close, I end up with bruises and scratches throughout my whole body, even headache. This is his only way to express his desire for me and affection. I am a bit confused as I haven't faced such a behavior in the past. Is this normal? Is this a sign I should notice? Does this mean something specific about his personality?
KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : I think you've made a very important observation about this man's sexual interests.


I guess so..

KansasTherapist : It seems likely he will want to hurt you during sex if things continue that far.

These are serious signs aren't they?

KansasTherapist : I wouldn't say that is typical, but it's not too unusual either.
KansasTherapist : He may not be the kind of guy who would hurt you out of anger, but he is likely looking for a sexual partner who enjoys some pain.

If this is the case, is this something he could live without?

KansasTherapist : He might be able to, it depends on how important it is to him.

Does this show anything about his personality? Or his behaviour towards me as far as emotions are concerned? Are all these things somehow linked together?

KansasTherapist : It depends. Does he talk to you in a negative way or do other things that are emotionally hurtful?
KansasTherapist : Are you having trouble replying?

I would say yes...during our first date...he told me that he wanted to be with me but was in love with another girl he could not be with....


I tried to move on but he insisted that I should stay


This hurt me a lot

KansasTherapist : Sounds like he's the wrong guy for you.

Another thing that is bothering me on him is that he used to be


a drug addict for many years


now he is sober for 10 years


but I am not sure how this could affect him today


because he seems to be very emotional unstable



KansasTherapist : The drug addiction may not be an issue but the selfish behavior that goes with it may still be a problem for him.

I was wondering because of his extreme instability...

KansasTherapist : What do you want to do with this relationship?

I am very in love with him but relactand due to all these signs

and if i was to get hurt soon, I would try to be at least informed ..

KansasTherapist : There are a lot of negative signs here. Considering it's early in the relationship, he is probably still trying to show off his good side. What happens when he relaxes and just acts like himself?

Things would get worse you mean.../

KansasTherapist : That's often the case.

Is the emotional instability due to the fact that he is probably not that into me?

KansasTherapist : It maybe because, as a drug addict, he wasn't growing up, becoming mature. Now he's still not as mature as his age would suggest.

Oh that makes sense....because he is 38 and thinks like 18....want's to get married and at the same time searches to fall deeply in love from the first sight...

KansasTherapist : Ick
KansasTherapist : Not good

So drug addicts seem like to have lost some years from their life?

KansasTherapist : Yes, that is usually what happens.

Does this also affect their pshychology?

KansasTherapist : Definately. There are lots of problems to overcome when someone is an addict and they have to actively work on them.

If you could just mention some (given that he is 10 years sober now but was very very addicted for another 10 years) and this would be also my last question....

KansasTherapist : Many have trouble with impulse control, are very self centered, and want instant gratification of desires.

Thank you for your time and your answers!

KansasTherapist : You're completely welcome.
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