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Coach Jenk, So I wanted to fill you in... If you remember

Hey Coach Jenk, So I wanted...
Hey Coach Jenk,
So I wanted to fill you in... If you remember theast time we spoke my ex and I were not on good terms. She came back in town and told me shes leaving LA. Well that was the last time we spoke. So recently we met up, and she wanted to know what she didn't do in our relationship. I didn't give her an honest answer, and I told her I wanted her back. Which I do, but she told me it was too soon and we needed more time apart. I'll fill you in more in the chat room.
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Answered in 1 minute by:
7/31/2012
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome back.

Customer: Hello
CoachJenK :

so fill me in

Customer: So yeah she came back, and told me she's moving back home to be closer to family. We hang out some times and she always seems to get really emotional about our relationship. I told her I wanted her back and she said its too soon and that she is leaving town
Customer: I'm in a weird spot cause after I te her that she's been reay friendly, wants to hang out get dinner, texts me. I'm a little confused
CoachJenK :

and what part werent you honest about?

Customer: What she did wrong in the relationship, I just didn't want to tell her for some reason.
CoachJenK :

well she is telling you she is leaving town and it is too soon so it feels safe for her to text and see you

CoachJenK :

but if you are still tied to her emotionally then it will keep you confused and wanting her to be with you

CoachJenK :

but if she is leaving then I dont see how that can happen. I would protect my heart here.

Customer: Shes says she is, but she's conflicted if she should go. She needs to find a job first
Customer: Sometimes it feels like she wants
CoachJenK :

she seems confused about most things

Customer: Me to make the decision for her
CoachJenK :

yes and as you know she needs to be the one to figure it all out

CoachJenK :

if it doesnt come from her then she can end up resenting you for making it for her

Customer: So how should I handle this situation here. I want to be there for her. But I want to be with her.
CoachJenK :

I know you do. I would be open with how you feel about wanting to be with her and you will be there for her for what she needs and support her in whatever decision she makes.

CoachJenK :

but she is sending confusing messages....its too soon yet she wants to see you and is texting.

Customer: So just take it slow for now?
CoachJenK :

absolutely.

CoachJenK :

no other way to go as she is unsure and confused by a lot of things.

Customer: Yeah I'll start there. And see what happens.
CoachJenK :

yes and be cautious. I know you want her back and things feel good and I want that for you, but keep in mind that she is giving a few mixed signals.

CoachJenK :

so let her keep coming to you as she has been and be open with your desires and see if things can fall into place.

Customer: Sounds good. Should I invite her places or let her lead the charge?
CoachJenK :

It might be where she needs to feel in control here. I worry that if you come on strong she will back away quickly.

Customer: Ok. So just let her do her thing and come to me.
CoachJenK :

that is what seems to be working now

CoachJenK :

so keep me posted on how things are going and we will take it as it comes.

CoachJenK :

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab as I am not credited for my work unless you offer a positive rating.

Customer: Yeah but isn't that the opposite of what they tell you to do if you wan to get someone back.
CoachJenK :

I am suggesting you let her know how you feel but not push her...let her come to you because she wants to and not run away because she feels pushed. Does that make sense?

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Real quick question, one of the reasons she left me because I was selfish and didn't make her feel pretty or wanted. You know, I didn't do enough for her and validate her and make her feel special. During this time, is there anything you can recomend that would show her that is how I feel?
When you are with her give her that attention she deserves and let her know how you care for her and are wanted and needed by you. Let her know she looks pretty, but again don't go overboard where it is unnatural. it is about opening yourself up and allowing your feelings to come out.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
now this is more focused on me, I guess in the past I have had problems opening up about my feelings and really showing a woman how much I care, and how much they mean to me. I know its a "show me" game and I really want to explore that side of myself. To let down the ways, and really get into it. How would suggest I begin to let my guard down?
I am proud of you...you have already let your guard down by working here with me. That is terrific. I might suggest some counseling for you where you have that place to open up, explore your feelings and all things that you need to. That is true growth.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Ok. One last question and Ill wrap this one up... You know a lot about my relationship, and what has happened over the past 3 months. You know details about me and my exgf, do you think its worth it to get back into it with her? Do you think I have a chance to get back with her? Even though she is moving...
When the heart is involved, I always believe it is worth letting things play out and seeing where it goes, unless you are hurting yourself by doing so. if you can let this play out, work on yourself and not hurt yourself in the process, then yes I think it is worth it. There is always a chance and she has given you the slight indication that there may be one.

Be open and honest with her and ask for the same in return and then you will know best how to proceed.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
One last thing... Im sure I recieved closure today or at least I hope so. But apparently I was supposed to pick her up tonight from the airport and go to dinner. I knew about the dinner part, but was unaware that I was picking her up from the airport which I was totally fine with but she felt other. So I told her that I couldnt make tonights dinner because I had work that needed to be done for my film that Im making. Well let me tell you she wasnt happen about that. She reverted back to her old self, and proceeded to tell me that we couldnt be friends and that Im to back and forth with her (playing games). Then I mentioned well you are the one who keeps saying that "maybe one day we will be together". Which to me is bs and just games. Well the conversation ended at that, with her in tears. I dont really feel bad because I felt I did nothing wrong, and I feel like she is playing games to keep me on the back burner. But I wanted to fill you in, I do miss her and would love to work it out with her. But it doesnt appear were moving towards reconciliation, so Ill just keep it at that. Thanks for your help. Do you have any last words or comments, I would greatly appreciate your wise and gentle input.
Sorry to hear of the recent difficulties. If you had dinner plans why did you cancel them? I understand about your work, but surely you would know if you had things to finish up with the film before you made the plans? I think both of you are in and then out and it sounds to me that you really need to sit down and talk to see if you are both truly desirous of working on things and being together. If you don't talk then you will keep bumping into the same things that have caused the strife. If you are both desirous of working on things then the back and forth needs to end...make plans and stick with them. That is the only way to know if you can work things out.

FYI: I have been working with you for a bit and unless you offer a positive rating of my work, I am not credited for my work. The deposit that you make does not come to me unless you offer a positive rating. This is my job and like you, I get paid for my work. None of us want to show up for our work and have to guess whether or not we will get credit or not get it at all. I am here to support you, but a positive rating would be appreciated. Many thanks for your understanding.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
TherapistJen and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Hey so here I am, I feel the best Ive been in a while. Got a chance to tell exgf how I felt. Told her I didnt appreciate the way she talked to me, but she still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me. She told me that she feels that way because she put all the work in our relationship, and Ive learned from this experience and want certain things now that shes gone. She is still very confused yet, and wants to be my friend and thinks of me as a good person but claims I hurt her. Its all over the place. Im not sure what to make of her feelings, but I feel that I am honestly in a good place. Any insight would be nice to hear from you?

Also, Im pretty sure I rated your last answer. Did you get credit for it?
I am so glad that you are in a good place. Letting out your feelings and being heard is such a wonderful thing. She needs to hang onto her hurt which is not uncommon but in the meantime keep doing as you are. Keep learning about yourself and growing. If it is meant to be, it will be.
Yes thank you for your wonderful rating.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
Verified
TherapistJen and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,566
3,566 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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