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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. CPS visited C yesterday. I gathered, because last

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Hi Kate. CPS visited C yesterday. I gathered, because last evening, his wife posted on fb: "the word for today is betrayal." Then she said something about someone from home "ruining her day" and she hates "stupid people." Then C deleted P and me as friends on FB (smart move - at least he's thinking better). I called the CPS case worker today. Apparently, most of the info didn't make it from the FAP through the CPS person to whom she spoke and to the caseworker. She said she got my packet of info literally 5 minutes before she left to visit C, so she hardly had looked at it, and still has not been through it all. She just wen by herself. I asked her how they were. She said A looked "happy, healthy & clean." I asked her how C was and she repeated how A seemed. I don't know if she misheard me or was trying to imply that C was not doing well. She said there was a limit to what she could tell me, which I understood. She asked for all my contact #'s in case she needed more info. I got the impression that their inquiry was not over. But her impression from the initial visit was pretty good. So, we'll see. His mom won't return P's call. P's phone was broken and she just got her new one, and c's sister left a message yesterday telling her she wasso angry she could barely speak, and that she want to talk to P about c and some stuff with P's parents' estate. I told p to stand her ground when she talks to her (p tends to cower an apologize when people are angry). She sent her an email (it was too late to call ET) and told her what was done was done out of love and she would be glad to talk to her but not if she is going to bitch at her (I made her put that part). I feel so bad for P.aybe this was all a mistake. Maybe I overreacted.
My appointment with Linda this evening didn't go so well. She said she was thinking about Tues., and she said she was just talking and talking and hadn't stopped to ask how I was doing, what I was feeling, etc. I told her she shouldn't feel bad at all. It just came on suddenly and I couldn't stand to hear another word. We talked a little about how much more real things had become.
Then she sat silent. I told her I wasn't to that point today, so she could talk. She asked me questions about when I was crying, what was I feeling, did I have thoughts that went along with them, etc. I just don't know. I told her I guess it was a mix - sadness, anger (although I don't know if that describes it - it is deeper than that, but I don't know a word for it), and the shame & embarassment mixed in, and maybe other things. And as far as thoughts - yes.I don't remember what else she said. Then I started crying again (of course) and all these things were flashing through my head, and some things I could see and some things I could feel and I got really agitated and stuff physically hurt and I think my blood pressure probably rose a ton. She kept saying to come back into the room and I was safe - but i knew that. But she wanted me to open my eyes and drink some of my coffee, but I didn't want to open my eyes. I did, but wanted to shut them right away. It didn't matter whether they were open or shut; I still saw and felt the same things. I couldn't tell her what they were. I just couldn't say it. And I can't really tell her. It was just stuff from what happened, but a few things keep overwhelming me. I wish so much they hadn't happened and I want to wish the memories away and I couldn't stop seeing them. I started to get that floaty feeling again, but I stopped it. I can't stand to be seeing, feeling those memories but I couldn't stand being present in the room, either. Linda had told me, when I was upset and thinking about things, but before it got bad, to please not give any kind of effort or concern to being embarassed with her, that nobody is going to judge me, least of all her. Then she told me also to try to stay away from guilt/self-criticism thoughts. But I can't help but want to crawl in a hole when I think about all she knows, and when I am thinking about it or especially feeling stuff. I had these feelings (like emotion-wise), but also physical feelings - and it was right there with her in the room and on the one hand, it is less scary with her there, and on the other hand, it panics me. I felt like I was caught in a swirl of this stuff, and it didn't stop when I left. I had to sit and cry in my car for a few minutes before I could drive, I felt. I still feel all dizzy and full of all this stuff like going around in a circle. I don't like this at all. I feel like they have control of me and this stuff won't leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't want to be theirs (or, really, his), I would just rather not "be" at all. I want to go away. I can't handle this, Kate. Why did I have that kind of reaction during my session, and why am I still feeling that way? I want to go to sleep for a very long time. I hate them. I hate what I am. I want to leave all this. I feel so unfixable. How did things get this way? I just want some relief right now.
I'm sorry. I just don't know what is happening and I thought writing you might help calm me.
** okay. It's a few hours later. I feel more worked up. I about hyperventilated in the bathtub. What is wrong with me????? I want to call Linda. I'm scared and I feel awful. But it's too late to call and what can she do, anyway? I can't talk to P because she's upset about the c situation (which is really my fault), but I can't act like all is okay because I don't feel okay. This is a mess.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.


It sounds like things have started rolling in A's situation. This can be a difficult part because the family has figured out who reported them. They had to know, though, that someone was going to say something I imagine. Since A was in good condition when the worker arrived, I think her father figured something might happen.

It's good that the investigation is still on going. Once the worker has a chance to catch up to what you reported, hopefully they will keep investigating until they are sure A is safe or that they find something.

I am sorry that your session with Linda was so difficult. From what you describe about your feelings, it sounds to me like you are in conflict. You mention that trying to accept what you feel but each time you do, you feel too overwhelmed with everything you feel now and with the images of what you went through.

I can't help thinking that your past might be affecting you a lot at this point. Your childhood was very difficult with how much repression you had to deal with. I think having to face such strong feelings can really be difficult. Handling these feelings can be overwhelming when you have to process them. You constantly got the message it was not ok to feel. That seems to be some of what you are experiencing now. Not that you aren't feeling your emotions but trying to cope with them while learning to experience them can be a lot. What do you think of this?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I don't know. Everything just seems so real and I apparently just can't handle it. What you said makes sense, but I can't see well enough where I am to tell what the root of this is. It's like when you're watching an accident or a fight, and you don't notice what's going on 10 feet away from it at all. I can't seem to see past where I am right now or deeper into it to figure out the reasons.

I spoke to Linda this morning. Didn't help. She tried. And a couple of her suggestions just mad me mad because she apparently doesn't know me at all. I just wanted to get off the phone after a few minutes. She asked if I wanted to stop or take a break, and I said maybe. So maybe I will go back and maybe not.

I am supposed to call her back this afternoon, but I won't. I just want to go to sleep for a really long time.

I understand. I think that all the energy you feel around this is being created by something from your past that is blocking you from letting the full feelings in. There has been a lot of seeing yourself as wrong for what you feel and that is a sign that you are not ok yet with letting yourself experience the emotions. Each time we talk, I get that sense from you. It's not your fault, it's just your past interfering. I think it's easy to minimize how much of an impact those messages from your childhood have had on your desire to feel better. It's like a wall inside of you. Avoiding it is so much easier.

Taking a break is an option because of how you feel. But it may also benefit you to explore more about how you repress your feelings rather than focusing on what you feel about the attack. That can help you find the issue and resolve it so you can break through this.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I don't totally understand what you are saying. I certainly feel like I am letting all my feelings in.

And when you said:

"I think it's easy to minimize how much of an impact those messages from your childhood have had on your desire to feel better. It's like a wall inside of you. Avoiding it is so much easier."

... what exactly do you mean? I mean, I know what you mean saying that I minimize the impact .. but what do you mean by the messages from my childhood impacting my desire to feel better? Like I would rather avoid the feelings than feel better? Or would rather avoid dealing with the unhealthy messages from childhood than feel better? I'm just not sure what you mean.

I know I was just talking to you last week about whether I should take a break from therapy. But I didn't say anything to Linda, and now, since it was her idea, I feel like she is leaving me hung out to dry and I can come back when I'm better at this. I know it is not rational, but it made me feel even worse.

I meant that what happened to you as a child, with being forced to repress your feelings and being responsible for everything, might be interfering with your ability to accept your feelings for what they are. You keep saying here and there that you "should" feel better, you "should" not be crying this much etc. That is a sign that you have put restrictions on your feelings. There is no "shoulds" here. Just what you feel. No judgments otherwise.


TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Oh okay. I think maybe I need to figure out what it mean to accept my feeling and how thy differs from letting myself feel them. There seem to be so many that I get confused and panicky. Linda called 2 more time today. I just got off the phone with her. She said to come Monday, but that we can take a break from the intensity of things am she will purposely keep me away from it for the time being. She said she could tell, physically, when I crossed that line, but that it was hard to get me totally back. She thinks it's easier for me to fall into a flashback right now because when I am upset, I get so embarassed & ashamed that I do all I can to avoid eye contact with her or look at her at all and I seem to try to sequester myself from the surroundings because I am so ashamed or embarassed, which doesn't help me stay in the present. She wants to work on that. Makes sense to me, I guess. Well, thanks for being here, Kate. I'm going to go to sleep.

I think Linda's idea sounds good and I'm glad she called you. Let me know how it goes. Have a good night, Shay and try not to worry. You are doing just fine.


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