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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3437
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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This answer was rated:

Hi there. Are you around?
CoachJenK :

I will be around in an hour. Hope that works.

Customer:

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I've got a meeting that will start around that time so it won't be a good time to visit. Is there another time to catch up with you on here? I'm in CA so let me know what time zone you are in.


CoachJenK :

I am so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me. I am here now, but I am sure you are in your meeting. I will be online for the next two hours and then off from 3:30-6 EST but then here and available. I look forward to connecting and we WILL. :-)

Customer:
CoachJenK :

hi

Customer:

Hi there

Customer:

I can chat for about 20 minutes. Can that get us started or should I wait until later?


CoachJenK :

no that is just fine. Lets chat...I may heal you by then... :-)

Customer:

Awesome!


Customer:

So the last time we visited, I was struggling with an issue, and I'm still struggling with it.


CoachJenK :

fill me in

Customer:

In a nutshell: My boyfriend Scott travels a lot for work, and when he travels, he always has a great time, comes back, tells me he has a great time, and inside, I'm insanely jealous.


CoachJenK :

yes I remember

Customer:

I always told myself: it's ok because we have trips and fun times scheduled too!


Customer:

Not long after we chatted, i was going to talk to him about this. Just as I was about to have that conversation, his financial situation changed.


CoachJenK :

ok

Customer:

Thus, all of the trips we had talked about taking were cancelled and he went into a deep depression.


Customer:

We had one trip left on the books: going into San Francisco to see the opera. It was supposed to be a big date. Fun times. Tuxedos. Food.


Customer:

But shortly before we were going to leave, three things happened: he was in a funk and didn't want to dress up for it so we went in jeans (!). Also, since he's low on funds, we skipped dinner, and we were about a half hour late leaving because he lost his keys, had to find keys, didn't want to use the back-up keys, blah blah.


Customer:

So finally we get into the car, he's furious and frustrated and says "I do NOT want to go! I just want to crawl into bed and die!"


Customer:

Now, frankly, I can take it when he gets this upset. No worries. I calmed him down.


Customer:

But yesterday, I had a bad day. And we were having a conversation about some plans we had. In the conversation he said, "Sometimes, I feel like you feel that I only have fun with other people and not with you, and that's not true." And, to be honest with you, that's exactly how I feel. But, in a moment of decaffeinated weakness and with a mouthful of red velvet cake ice cream, I said, "no, that's not how I feel at all.


CoachJenK :

ok

Customer:

I feel upset and conflicted because I'm sad that his professional budget allows him to continue to do some swanky travel and have great times with colleages. I understand why our own plans have cancelled and I'm very empathetic to that. However, it's hard for me to hear him talk about fun times and post pictures on FB of fun times when the best I can get with him is a trip to Target. It makes me feel like I'm not much fun to spend time with since we're not exactly going out on the town.

CoachJenK :

I dont think it is a matter of that. If Scott did not have fun with you or want to be with you, he wouldn't/

CoachJenK :

right now he has taken a big hit to his ego by this financial change.

Customer:

I dig it.

CoachJenK :

Yes it is hard to hear of these trips and makes you wonder but rely on how he does feel and the trips are not indicative of how someone feels.

CoachJenK :

of course you want that kind of time with him and deserve it too.

Customer:

You're right.

CoachJenK :

my hope is some things improve for him financially where you can get to do the things you desire...if not right now then at some point in the future.

CoachJenK :

But you must know I truly understand how you must feel when you know he is traveling lavishly and having a blast.

CoachJenK :

It is easy to feel less than but as best you can try not to go down that road.

Customer:

It's so hard. I think in a relationship, I value memories that are made. And I'm sad because he's been to Miami, Costa Rica, DC, Europe and New York throughout the year.

Customer:

I thought that "my turn" was the opera, and I'm sad because what I got was "I don't want to go! I want to crawl into bed and die!"


CoachJenK :

I know it is and you will now need to cultivate those moments closer to home.

CoachJenK :

yes and I know on some level you can understand it....his ego has taken a huge hit and i am sure he was really expressing how he felt.

Customer:

And I'm like, "Really? You lost your keys, not your kidneys." And I"m jealous because that's the time I got. That's the memory I've got. But his work friends have great memories of NY, DC, Miami. totally stinks. ... But I think I have to watch my own thoughts because I feel like I get too toxic.

Customer:

Oh, darn it, I have to get to this meeting. I can duck back into this chat in half an hour. Is that ok or should we wrap up?


CoachJenK :

and change the framework a bit and rather than create meaning over these trips stick with the present and what the connection is between you.

CoachJenK :

whatever you need to do is fine.

CoachJenK :

go make some money so you can take him on a trip. :-)

Customer:

Ok, thanks so much. LOL. Yeah, I work in the arts. I'm rolling in the dough. ha ha. Ok, let me go to this meeting and return in about 30-40 mins.


CoachJenK :

lol bye

Customer:

Hi there. I'm back.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

Hi.

CoachJenK :

I know how hard this is for you but if there is ANY for for you to give this issue a rest for a bit then i think it would help all around.

CoachJenK :

He is with you, loves you and yes it stinks you can't travel...but hopefully that will change and maybe he will take you on one of the other trips since you cant have your own now.

Customer:

Very good advice. Thanks for this. I honestly don't know why I have trouble detaching from this. I have a terrible fear of being thought of as dull or boring since we don't go out.


CoachJenK :

yes I can see that and that is okay we all have our own fears....go out there and create your magic. you are not dull or boring.

CoachJenK :

but you dont need a trip to decide whether you are boring or not.

Customer:

Ah. Wow. Yeah, I like that.

CoachJenK :

do something lovely for him and for both of you...picnic with wine or something that you both like.

Customer:

I think I need to be more proactive about things like that.


CoachJenK :

yes instead of sitting back and being upset about what you dont have or want..make the most of what you do...and that is your love so create the passion and excitement and do something out of the ordinary...doesnt require money just forethought

Customer:

Got it. :) thanks so much for your help.


CoachJenK :

always! come to me anytime you need a reminder. :-)

Customer:

I will! thanks a million!


CoachJenK :

my pleasure. Thanks in advance for a positive rating.

Customer:

Of course.


Customer:
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