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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. Didn't hear anything about C and A yesterday from

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Good morning, Kate.
Didn't hear anything about C and A yesterday from anyone. Of course, P dropped her iPhone in her coffee yesterday morning, so if his mom or someone tried to text her, she wouldn't know it. But all is quiet. No fb posts by him, no calls from anyone (though I wouldn't think they'd call me if they know I reported it). But maybe they haven't even contacted him. I'm kind of worried about the fallout. But I did what I thought was best and will accept the consequences.
My appointment with Linda was difficult yesterday. I talked to her about feeling I should have let go by now, & feeling like she felt that way. She said she did not feel that way, & was sorry if she said/did something that made me feel she did. She said I worked harder to get better (homework, etc.) than any clien she has (which says nothing of my progress). I tol her I just can't let go - or maybe I just won't let go. She asked what that would be like if I did, & I have no way of knowing that. So she asked how I would like it to be. She said she I confident I will get to that point, including a point where I can accept it. That made me upset, for some reason. Accept it? How can I accept it? I can see that it will ever be okay with me.
She asked if I still felt as bad as I ha been and I said yes. She asked some questions, but I don't know what it is I'm feeling. She said if it is sadness about what happened, that's good, and if there is some anger there, good, etc. but she wanted to make sure she wasn't "missing" something and perhaps I had slipped into some depression or something. I to her I don't think so, but what do I know?
She had finally read my comments to her notes she took during the " telling.". She asked I she could tell me her thoughts/comments. She thought I was upset that she wrote down certain things, because I had written that I didn't like that she had written such-&-such. I explained that it had nothing to do w/ her - she was writing down what I said. It is just hard to see it on paper, written by someone else. She commented about how scrutinizing I was, picking things apart. She said that when I wrote how disgusted I was with what happened and that it was repulsive when I thought about it, that it was especially so because it is so contrary to my life and me. I said "but it is me.". She said she knows, but she means that it is so far from my own moral code, how I would treat others, etc. I told her she thinks I am a lot nicer and a better person than I actually am. She said something and then asked if i was going to argue, & I told her just to keep reading her comments. I am not going to argue with her about it.
She said that he understands why I feel they are part of me, but they are not. She said that in these kinds of things, yes, they may leave physical scar tissue, but they don't leave part of them , either physically or spiritually or morally. She was saying we need to figure out what to do for me to "reclaim my body" and "reclaim myself." It just hit to be too much for me. I couldn't hold it back. I started crying and told her to stop - that I can't talk and I can't listen. I said i felt that if she said one more thing my head would explode. I couldn't stop crying. After a while of saying nothing, Linda sai she was glad that I said something and that maybe I should stop trying to push it. I thought she meant my crying - I said I'm not trying TO cry, I'm trying NOT to cry. She asked if she could sit on the couch with me, which helped. I cried so hard and I seriously had trouble stopping. We talked a bit about it, but for the mist part, she just say there quietly. She said I could cry and she would pray.
When i calmed down a bit, She said (like you did) that she wishes I could just feel the feelings and not try to analyze them or the why and not keep thinking that I shouldn't be feeling that way or being emotional in whatever way, but to just accept that I am going to feel this way for a time and let it happen and cry when I need to, hit things (safely) if I need to, etc. ( sound familiar?). She asked if the crying had been building up, and I said yes, and she said she thinks when that is happening, I need to tell her & we need to just stop and go with it. I told her I always felt like crying nowadays, so we'd never talk. She said that's okay, it's more important for me to express and feel, and maybe for the next few sessions she will just let me cry. Fun. :).
after crying so hard I felt awful. I had a headache and felt nauseous. The concert was really good, but I felt sickest of the time and had aigraibe by the time we got home (I'm sure part from crying so hard & part b/c it stormed earlier - changes in barometric pressure seem to trigger them). But I took my meds and cried and slept & it'such better now.
still feel like I'll cry if I don't try hard not to. That seems worse this morning, but maybe it's because I fell asleep & woke up crying (that was weird! Has that ever happened to you?
Hi Shay,

I think you will hear something about C and A soon. Those kinds of things take time because you have to organize everyone if you visit the home with a group rather than just one social worker. And it often takes time to contact people, gather evidence, and to take action. They probably want to make some progress before they contact you.

I am glad you shared with Linda how you feel. It sounds like you had a very productive session. I do agree that you have come to the point where your logic about what happened to you is colliding with the emotion from the attack. Analyzing your feelings and trying to control them through intellectualizing them can help keep you from accepting your emotions. From the beginning, you have worked hard to be sure that what you were feeling was ok and you have tried to keep some control over what you feel. Doing that is very understandable. You are in a lot of pain and that can feel very overwhelming when you are used to repressing feelings. Plus you had to battle the message that feelings are not ok and that you are responsible for everything. So letting go and accepting is going to be difficult.

I think Linda is right, those guys may have hurt you a lot but they have no claim over who you are or your body. They did a horrible thing to you but they cannot take away anything. They have no right to.

What you might want to do is try exploring the idea of reclaiming your body and self from what happened. Here are some resources I think might help:

Resurrection After Rape: A guide to transforming from victim to survivor by Matt Atkinson

After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back by Nancy Venable Raine

Letting go and accepting can be one of the hardest parts of working through your recovery. It can feel like you are saying it was ok. Also, you feel like you open yourself up to a lot of pain. But whatever you feel is already inside of you. All you need to do is let it out and share your burden. The crying can be a sign that you are letting these feelings out even as you fight against them. The resistance you feel in therapy might be the result.

Waking up crying is also a sign that these feelings are trying to get through. That is not unusual when you are dealing with a trauma. I think if you rely on Linda to guide you, you will be able to work this through. Go easy on yourself, Shay. God would not have put you where you are for no reason. He wants you to feel better.

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I have read both of those books, the After Silence one I think just last Fall. Maybe I need to read them again. But honestly, "reclaiming my body" or anything having to do with my body is really the last thing I want to deal with right now.

I do think it was a productive session, and I am glad I was able to tell Linda to just stop talking. Because I really couldn't take hearing another thing about any of this right at that moment. I have another appointment tomorrow evening, so we'll see how it goes. I am having to control my tears right now, of course, as I am at work. But I will try otherwise just to let things happen, emotion-wise and try not to overthink it or question whether it is appropriate or overdramatic or if something is wrong with me for crying and feeling the way I do. I really will try. When I go home from work, I will take a long hot bath (which I find is a private and good place to cry) and I need to go to bed early anyway, because I am exhausetd from the emotion, the anxiety over A's situation and how I handled it, staying out late last night because of the concert, and the migraine and meds .... so, if I go to bed at 8 or 9, it would be perfectly understandable, I'm sure. And I will not fight it then., either. It's just that I need to fight it when I am around others. Except Linda, apparently. Then I can also let it go tomorrow during my appointment with Linda. So I am going to try my best to follow your and Linda;s advice. I'll let you know how it goes.

Also, I got an email from CPS this morning, saying they got my information, and it was "written up" at 9:46 this morning and referred to the assigned case worker, and she gave me the caseworker's name and contact info. She didn't say anything about ti being opened already by FAP, but it had the same CPS reference number the FAP person gave to me as the CPS referral number, so ?? Oh well. I'll keep you updated.

Sorry about that, Shay. I didn't know you had read both of those books. As you said, maybe looking at them again might help now that you are in a different place since you started.

I think you have a good plan for tonight. A bath and some sleep can put a new perspective on what you are dealing with. It may take some time to practice letting go of over thinking and judging your emotions. Don't be too hard on yourself about it.

Thanks for the update on A. I appreciate you letting me know how it's going.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Actually, I just looked through my books an kindle. Unless I just couldn't find it on the shelves, I don't have the resurrection book, so I don't think I read it. Maybe you recommended it before and I recognize the title. I've read a bunch of different ones. But apparently this wasn't one. I tried to download it on my kindle, but they didn't have it. I'll order it online. Thanks! I do have "after Silence," though. I will look at again, but I'm pretty sure it's the one about the woman who had soneone break or sneak into her house and tie her up. Her description of what she felt and how she dealt with it didn't really jive with me. Plus, I don't and did not have the opportunity to take a break from my life for 3 months and go be taken care of by my parents and I don't have that kind of parents. But you are right that I am in a different ace than when I read it. In fact, when I read it, I am pretty sure I wasn't aware of where I was at all when I read it. I think I thought my situation was a lot different than it actually was, even just 6 months ago.

You're welcome :) I wanted something that could help you with all that you are going through and Matt Atkinson is known for his books about trauma. I didn't want to overwhelm you with too many books and this one seemed to fit with how you are feeling now.

I am going to be off line more than on today due to obligations so if you post, I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. Hope your day goes well!