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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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My husband doesn't think im attractive although he says i

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my husband doesn't think im attractive although he says i have nothing ugly and he says im very clean,smart and cute ,but he still doesnt wanna touch me or have sex, cuz he goes more for bigger fleshy ppl with certain muscular big legs.he is also very into detailed and wants something perfect,example im petite 5.1' slim 105-110 lbs. in his eyes im a toothpick,too pale,no cheeks,slight bow it possible for us to have a good sex life and he should feel satisfied and not be jealous to have other woman? or should i drop him? we have two kids a year apart
Everyone has preferences when it comes to what type they find attractive. Many, if not most, find the type that appeals to them to start a relationship with. Others fall in love with things about the person other than how they look and, out of love, become attracted. Your husband has done neither of these things. In fact, it seems cruel to tell you that he's not interested in you sexually because you don't look that way he would like. Certainly, there is nothing you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. My short answer to your question is, it seems unlikely that your marriage will last, and I suspect he will find someone he's more attracted to, if he hasn't already.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
its an arranged marriage, by most of us in the society we find the inner qaulities that match and looks doesnt have to be the best but he did see me few times and he even agrees to me, that then my looks was good to him in his eyes.
later on most couples end up falling in love,
Thanks for the added information. I can't help but say, your husband seems like a selfish, uncaring man, at least in this respect. How realistic is it to for you to end your marriage?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
very difficult for me to drop him, i feel like i did so much for him and he never told me bad stuff about me,he loves buying stuff for me and helping with kids he loves..the looks issue i grabbed it out of him cuz i saw he looked down many times, he is ready to do anything to change himself, he really wants to make me happy but he says he feels he cant fake it, and when he sees something better then me, he feels he looses control..i feel its bec he doesnt understand to and marriage, ..because to me it doesnt make sense that ppl really drop their wives bec they dont have their dream. the issue with big woman happened few months after wedding,and when he doesnt go out a while i see he starts liking me more and can throw compliments.he has no girlfriends and i believe he needs some therapy for himself bec he doesnt know how to connect a relationship, he basically likes girls in the street which he doesnt even know, he asumes their not bitches, i sense some mental problem with him.can it be?
To me, your husbands sounds emotionally immature rather than mentally ill. You may be completely right about him not knowing how to have a relationship, and using fantasies about other women he doesn't know, as a way to create distance between the two of you. Over time, the appearance of both parties in a marriage will change. Even if you were exactly his type now, as you both grow older, he would need to get over his focus on appearance. If he's willing to see a therapist, that's a very good idea. What you need to watch out for, is losing your self esteem because of the unkind things he says to you. I would say the first step he needs to take is to make sure he is kind and considerate of you, even if he is more attracted to someone else.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i think ur getting me, its makes sense hes immature,but let me get clear,is it possible for a man to be sexually happy and walk in street with no problems of jealiosy or cravings.even his wife doesnt look the way he dreamed? my husband thinks that all men want whats the most attractive, and looks is number 1 by men, and if not then their dumb or missing hormones? would u be able to make the picture clear for me,?thanks
I think most men look at people in the street and admire the ones they're attracted to. Generally, it is part of most men's make up and lots of women's too. It is possible for the same men to come home to their wife and be reminded of how much he loves her and his family. In most cases, husbands are wise enough not to mention the attractive women they have seen during the day. Instead, they appreciate the pleasure of being in a warm and caring relationship. It seems, that's where you're husband is having trouble.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thanks,if a man sees a prettier woman there is nothing wrong to like how she looks and even he says doesnt bother me at all! (i dont think im the prettiest in the world)its the crave that i see eats him up and he thinks only with her he can be happy he can think of that persons image for days. so my question was if a healthy happy man can see prettier woman and go home and just stop thinking about her? and not care so much
Some healthy men see beautiful women all the time and come home satisfied with their wife. For what you say about your husband, I doubt he would be satisfied with any of the other women he sees and thinks are so beautiful. The problems he has are within himself. He needs to work on them in therapy if he's ever going to be happy.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
can u suggest me a good therapist for him?
I'm sorry, I don't know any therapists in your area. Someone who is experienced in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be a good choice. You may need to call around and ask some therapists if they use CBT.
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