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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. Another stellar day :/ I had court this a.m. then had

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Hi Kate. Another stellar day :/ I had court this a.m. then had to go to see dr. M. It was for a med aptmt. b/c she wanted to check in once/month for the 1st 3 months on adderall, then could go every 3 mos. this was my 3rd monthly visit, but then she said I had to come back in 2 mos & now only 1 mo. B/c she's letting me try more Zoloft to see if it makes me feel better, tho she doubts it b/c I'm not depressed, just upset. She wanted to talk & was asking all sorts of questions about how I feel. I don't know. She & Linda finally talked, apparently right before my aptmt. She said Linda didn't tell her much more than I had already, but said I was learning to express emotions more (translation: Linda told her I bawled thru the whole session yesterday), that I was doing better w/ the guilt (true), & I was thinking more about things going forward w/ my life (translation: Linda told her I'm becoming more curious about sex). Dr. M speaks generally most of the time, I think in order not to upset me b/c she doesn't know w/ what I am comfortable. Which is fine, except sometimes (like last time), I get confused. I wasn't prepared to talk about anything except meds today, & when she even starts talking near the whole subject, I feel like crying.
Linda called me later in the day to ask how the aptmt went & how I was. I told her not great, I was tired & upset by my aptmt w/ dr m & upset about the whole thing w/ A, and so tired. I told her I was exhausted last night. She said she isn't surprised. She said that's the longest I've ever cried in front of her. She said she thinks it is a good thing, but she kept telling me to come back into the room, back off, etc. she said when I'm not talking it's hard to tell when things get out of hand. I guess I get that. But I couldn't talk. I think that bothers her. She said she told dr m I didnt talk about what was going on in my head and that she really wants to talk about it, if I can. ? I don't know what to say. I just feel upset & am on the verge of tears seemingly all the time.
She & dr m talked about the fact that I was having shame issues that need to be worked on. They decided that it made sense because I have kept it to myself (most of it) for so long and now I have shared it all with Linda and I'm not used to someone knowing all that and not used to having it out there and having to look at it - and w/ someone else. They both said I'm doing well, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. Linda had told me to go thru her notes on the telling & write down my thoughts. I wrote a ton, but didn't quite finish, so I will do that before Monday. When she was looking at everything I wrote, she said "boy, you really want to feel better, don't you?" YES!! I am really trying. But I'm not getting anywhere. I feel like I am stuck in this state and I am going to end up just crying all the time, or trying not to cry. I am so confused about where I am with this. It is not Following the linear pattern I would like. I am so unhappy right now. Not sure what to do. I am upset about all this, very upset about the thing with C and A and just unhappy. I wish I could be unconscious for about 6 months. This is all too much. I keep thinking I'm close to the end & then i feel worse. How much worse can I feel? Man I miss being numb.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

You have really been through a lot lately. All week you were trying to deal with A's situation, getting everyone on the same page and finding ways to advocate for her. And during all of that, you are coping with your feelings about her vulnerability and being victimized by a man. That probably brought up a lot of feelings right there.

Then you had the appointment with Dr. M before with the expectations that it would help you a lot to get a different opinion and that did not turn out either. You just made a big change at work too by moving your office back and re joining your old firm. Even if it is a positive thing it still can make you feel stressed.

You have spent so many years locking all of this up in your mind and repressing your feelings. You carried a horrible trauma around with you while you lived your life, trying to ignore it's existence. That takes a lot of energy to do, even if you did not feel like it did. Now that you are in therapy and facing all of this, the feelings you repressed all those years (including childhood I think) are coming out. All the pain, sorrow, fear and loneliness. You are mourning the loss of your innocence, the possible future you might have had and most of all what you have had to go through to this point. It is ok to feel as you do. Crying is a good way to express how you feel. People often cry for long periods of time after a loss. And Linda is right, you are doing very well. It is just a matter of time before you find a good balance between having emotions and logic. Give yourself this time to feel everything you never had a chance to feel. It will get better, Shay.

TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5839
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I know. It doesn't even matter. I was just whining.
I don't think so. I think what you feel is very legitimate.