My daughter, who is 44 yrs. old, is obsessed with boys. She has been arrested one time and had to go to court.

Question

My daughter, who is 44 yrs. old, is obsessed with young boys. She has been
arrested one time and had to go to court. She got 18 month probation and it
still hasn't been decided if she will be on the sex offenders list. I am at the
end of the rope. She needs help but I don't know where to try to get her help.
Can you just suggest a place? We are poor and cannot pay a lot. Her husband has
insurance on her and that might help. I don't know.

Rafael-E-Therapist · Accepted Answer

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.
(Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation. beholding an adult child with an
issue like the one you report is truly concerning.

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first thing she or her husband need to do is to contact their insurance
company and to get information on coverage for psychological treatment for
sex-addiction - compulsion disorders. then contact the county her probation
officer and ask her/him for county programs for rehabilitation she could attend.
Many counties and states have specific programs for sex offender rehabilitation
and treatment. This is the most realistic and immediate step they need to take.

Customer:

that's it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Also the US Department of Justice, through the Bureau of Justice Assistance
offer information on local resources for people presenting these problems. here
is the link for you to review:
https://www.bja.gov/evaluation/program-corrections/sops1.htm

Customer:

she was not actually charged with sex addiction. they lowered her sentence to
assault and battery

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In the mean times it is essential for her to start individual psychotherapy work
in order to work on this and any other related issue. Without therapy, this
problem would not get resolution but will tend to get worse.

Customer:

that's what I want to find out. What type therapy or what kind of addiction
place can we get her into

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see and understand that. You would only find treatment specific for
sex-offenders or for sex-addiction - compulsion problems.

Customer:

this was no help as far as the questions I wanted answered. I knew she needed
help.

Customer:

I am through.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Paraphilias are specific disorder requiring intense psychological treatment, but
for any person to get rehabilitated, accountability and willingness to work on
her own rehabilitation process are needed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you want to know what you can do to have her get into treatment?

Customer:

yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to have or develop good, honest and open communication with her, where
she trust you to the point of relying on your judgment and advice, for her to be
able to listen to what you have to say and be wiling to take responsibility for
her choices and actions, so to look for, accept and keep professional
psychotherapeutic treatment for her problem.

Customer:

I have tried doing this and then she tries to manipulate me and turn the tables
and say everything is my fault. Her husband has said he is through with her and
he wants her out.

Customer:

the biggest problem is the boys she has been close to are the boyfriends of her
daughters.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can offer support, but ultimately she is the only one who could choose if
she is open to it or not, and to get the treatment she needs. it is
overwhelmingly frustrating for a parent to behold this scenario, but reality is
that when parents try to support adult children when they, themselves avoid
taking responsibility of their own rehabilitation, parents end enabling and
reinforcing the very dysfunctions they want to eradicate.

Customer:

I will do anything to help h er but I will not enable her.

Customer:

my granddaughters cannot bring a boy into the house unless she is all over them.
She thinks or tries to act like she is a teenager

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly sad and frustrating. then based on what you have just reported, I
have to say that the best way you could support her is by setting healthy
boundaries and ending any form of manipulation or codependent relationship with
her. Experience shows that the only mostly effective chance they get to
rehabilitate comes from having to afford the consequences from their actions,
from need and pain. Many disregard them, but some do get the message and start
they rehabilitation process, one that disappear as long as they happen not to
worry for real pain and needs, since consequences are still not that bad for
the, So the best support a relative or friend could offer, is to end any form of
codependency, enabling or engaging in any attempt of manipulation.

Customer:

I understand. That's what I just told you. Her husband told her to get out. Just
her. I do not want her here. But she needs treatment now quick

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is obvious she is too immature and does not even consider acknowledging
how distorted her actions are, even less to take responsibility. Thus, I do not
see a chance for her to get better unless he has to afford the consequences of
her actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry. I see your heart as a mother knowing what she needs and longing for
it to happen, but reality is that nobody could push her to get into treatment
but only when she gets into further issues, then she would be forced to get into
a rehabilitation program, where she would have a chance to work on herself or
not. there is nothing more you could do about it, since it does not depend on
you.

Customer:

In a way, speaking as a parent, I was hoping she would have to serve some time.
Something to show her that she cannot continue on the road she is on. She is
terrible. My oldest granddaughter (age 22) has told her sister that there would
be no more boys in the house.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is she does this with minors, then she will get in bigger issues, Pedophilia i s
a serious disorder and would have to afford consequences anyway.

Customer:

She did do it with a minor once and he told. that was the reason for court. But
she got off with just assault and battery. The young boy testified.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that is totally assertive. Nothing would improve at her home unless
everybody implement clear and healthy boundaries and limits, for the rules to be
clear, and her husband has already stated what he wants. Now it is about
consistency. Her husband is responsible for himself and the children living with
them. If she does not even respect but keeps neglecting and abusing them because
of this disorder, then they have to take further actions to protect themselves,
and only through that, they could be doing something concrete to promote her
rehabilitation.

Customer:

I agree 100%, but the children love her regardless. So what then????

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but this is very serious and I do not see how thing could improve
with her unless everybody else involved set good boundaries, not allowing any
form of abuse, neglect or manipulation.

Customer:

I realize how serious it is and that's why I am reaching out for help. But, it
seems she is the one that has to reach out for help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily that should not mean a justification for any form of enabling for
further neglect, abuse and dysfunction,.. She is not being a healthy, even
respectful presence in their lives. Sooner or later more victims would appear
and the children would get even more damaged and traumatized by it, and that is
not fine.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Nobody could do it for her.

Customer:

I will talk to her husband and her children and we as parents will set
boundaries and make sure they are right or else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally support you. You all deserve to be respected and not to be exposed to
any form of neglect or abuse, and have responsibility for not allowing it at
all, even more adults in this situation. Doing so, would also allow her to come
to terms with reality, and perhaps from there, she woudl consider the help she
needs. But again, I do not believe she would get that until she has to afford
all the consequences of her actions.

Customer:

That is true, but has not had to do that. I agree she needs to suffer the
consequences of her actions. But how?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

her husband has already decided he must leave, so that is clearly a serious
consequence of her actions and refusal to get treatment and change her ways. One
daughter said no boy would get in the house... then there would continue to be
legal and other multiple issues involved, and as long as all of you do not
afford for her the consequences and set healthy boundaries, limits and rules,
she would have no chance but to have to face reality and choose and learn from
it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is an adult, she is not disable and she must hold full accountability for
her actions and choices, nobody should afford that but her.

Customer:

I agree. Her husband told her to leave, not him. That is so true. We will not
enable her anymore. She will have to come to realize what she is doing. I
appreciate you talking to me Rafael. Now I understand more and know what needs
to be done.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I truly hope things improve. I know they could
significantly improve for all of you, and for her only with time,
responsibility, effort and adequate professional support, but she is the only
one with the power so responsibility to make that happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take good care and consistent actions and feel free to contact me as
necessary.

Customer:

That is true. I will. I hope I won't have to contact you anymore, but if the
need arises, I will. Again thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Bye

My daughter, who is 44 yrs. old, is obsessed with boys. She has been arrested one time and had to go to court.

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