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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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My husband stated he is going to hit me "next time" after a bad fight today. He

Customer Question

My husband stated he is going to hit me "next time" after a bad fight today. He has been emotionally abusive to me with verbal assaults and criticism for over 10 years - very controlling person that I did not realize until the past few years is lethal. We have been married for 24 years. Is this something that really could happen?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 5 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, this is Jean, a mental health therapist, to assist you

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like things are escalating, and the next time will it be worse?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm so glad to hear you are see a counselor, spoke to your doctor, and made those phone calls.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The anger and violence you describe typically comes in a cycle. Married for 24 years- wow- you have really hung in there. Sounds like it started to become more abusive 10 years ago? I am concerned for you- he sounds very threatening. You described the past few years as "lethal". What keeps you there- are you afraid to leave?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry, did I interrupt your typing- respond if you would like.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

My husband has made me out to be the cause of all our problems in our marriage. In front of others people rave about how great he is and how lucky I am to be with him. Behind closed doors he has become an evil person in the past year.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What you describe is classic control and domestic violence. He is horribly insecure and easily becomes defensive. Projecting blame on you, that you are "lucky" to be with him... all ways he's trying to convince others of what he does not feel- secrue! The bully on the playground, is just that, throws his weight around, trying to control by putting others down.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

When I married him he was great until he was a complete grump at our first christmas and when his mother said that "R" has always been a grump I literally cried the whole night after - I had a grumpy father and I just didnt want that. He has gone from grumpy to cross to mean to cruel to abusive and threatening. He has also been controlling but I did not realize the BIG picture of this until this year.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Reminds you a bit of your father huh? That can happen- often does in relationships. If you are not planning to leave him, please consider having a safety plan if you need to leave quickly. You could reach out to the domestic abuse shelter in your area they can help you leave.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

I think I have stuck it out because I would hope things would get better - his behavior. We don't have children so my life with this person is also what I feel all that I have until a month or two ago. I did tell my therapist that I felt confident I could leave him but am worried about the dog and our cat. I did make a plan recently to take the dog first and put her with someone he would not know due to her safety, then figure out something with my cat. He does not deserve them!!!!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are midway in your life- lots a years ahead of you-you do not need to continue to live this way. Yes I know it is very difficult and complicated, but this may get worse. This chronic stress begins to really affect a person. I'm glad you are taking more notice now and that you reached out today. Is he alcoholic or drug addicted? Do you have family and friends that are aware this is escalating? What was different this time that you decided to reach out tonight? Was his threat more threatening?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No you should have custody of the pets- I agree!

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

I also am just so upset about "why me" when it comes to bewildered about this all, and then the threat today of next time I'm going to hit you. I did not realize how he could possibly come to this state of mind.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yikes- yes it's shocking a person can come to this. It's important to consider your pet's safety- they are your children. Setting up all those plans ahead of time is good- get things in order before you get the hey out. Bringing family or friends on board can be a support to work your way out too. Wow what does that tell you, that you are even afraid for your pets!!

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

I did tell my therapist that but was not as impressed by this as she was more worried about me. I am an animal lover!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

My cat just joined us- funny- he supports you and the pets too- and wants you to be safe :). Good question, why me, this throws your life into turmoil, especially realizing he's become a man you can not live with anymore.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm really glad to hear you are in therapy- this can support you as you make tough decisions.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

When I look back on my notes I had written about how he has been this way for so long and year after year i have stayed, but gotten worse.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

He is diabetic and on an insulin pump - does not drink any alcohol or take drugs.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

Maybe I have stayed for that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Got it. You have been reflecting, I'm sure. You stay, wait, stay, and before you know it so many years have passed. It does sound like it is getting worse- that's where the concern for you comes in.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

The only thing we have not done is counseling together.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Have you mentioned counseling to him? I'm sure you've been a pretty good caretaker and a very loving wife- did the best you could with the way things have been.

JACUSTOMER-2o66t64d- :

Originally he said no but more recently yes - but I need to ask asap.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Not so sure the prognosis is that great after so many years, odds of changing is slim, it would be a surprise if he agreed to go to counseling?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You could try the counseling to know you've done all you can.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Counseling would be hard work over a period of time- but it's worth a try, certainly.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

An option also would be for you to separate and do the counseling while separated- with clear expectations of what you would need to consider returning.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I notice you went off line- sorry you had to go- please let me know if I can assist you anymore. Thank you for posting tonight. I wish the best for you on this journey. Jean

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you are "good to go" with our chat please rate me so I can get credit- really appreciate that.

Expert:  Jean replied 5 years ago.

Pam,

Hello, Please let me know if I can provide additional assistance. I want to be sure to do my best to provide you with what you were looking for. If not satisfied let me know so I can do my best to make it right. If satisfied please rate me to accept my answer. I look forward to hearing from you during this difficult time.

The best to you,

Jean

Expert:  Jean replied 5 years ago.
Pam,
I hope this greeting finds you well. Please let me know how things are going for you.
Thank you,
Jean