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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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I am in a very unusual situation.I was with a guy for 10

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Hi I am Lina, I am in a very unusual situation.I was with a guy for 10 years and sept 2011 my whole world broke.....I found out he got married behind my back.....he confessed and wanted to be with me so I gave him a chance then after getting an apt with me he confessed to her and told me he didn't want me and wanted to go back with her.Few days later he wanted me back again and didn't want her.Then we were happy and I got pregnant and after that he was cold and wanted her back again.Then he told me he didn't love me and wanted to back with her.i was so emotional and heart was like a stab in my heart.if he didn't want me he should have told me long I packed my stuff and left since he didn't want
to give me the apt.he also asked me to have an
abortion...I was confused because I really thought he
wanted to have children with me since we talked about
it.Now he wants his lil girl and want to be part of her
life in every way and he said sorry for what he asked
me. telling me for two month that he wanted to be her
and now he tells me I don't have to worry about him
talking to her anymore or he won't be with anyone but
he doesn't want to be back with me either.....he said
there is a possibility of us working things out in the
future if we get along.After I found his deception in sept we fought so much....I asked him when he thinks of me what does he think of?he said fighting arguing.....throughout our relationship we always used to have great time together....I mean it was getting
very bad because I couldn't trust him and he said he knows if he stays this is how it will be.....fighting and aeguing......we fought cause I wanted him to correct the situation.....Anyways we hung out few times(not
sex at all,he won't take advantage of me)he told me to
relax since he won't be with anyone and will be there
for me.I am confused and don't know what to do....I
love him very much
Hi there,
I'm happy to help with your question. It's really not an easy question to answer, however, because you have a pretty tumultuous - and lengthy - history with this guy. It sounds like he's been hot and cold and back and forth and hasn't been able to figure out who he wants to be with or even what he wants out of a relationship. I understand that you've had happy periods, but it sounds like the pain that inevitably follows each happy period has been devastating for you. And especially in terms of your daughter - it must be confusing for her if he hasn't been a part of her life up until this point, and then suddenly decides that he wants in. And I imagine that it's extremely confusing for you.
It seems like he's trying to reassure you that he's going to stick around and not become involved with anyone else this time - but I have to say that I am wondering if that is just part of the pattern. He could be genuine, of course, and he could really mean what he is saying. If he says he thinks of arguing and fighting when he thinks of your relationship, then it's not a very positive sign. I don't mean to be all doom and gloom here, because you could certainly take it slow with him and give him the benefit of the doubt, but you have to tread very carefully because you don't want to get hurt again, and you don't want your daughter to be hurt, either. Just ask yourself if it's worth it - if it's worth trying again, knowing that he has a history of hurting you and betraying you - especially since it wasn't just your garden-variety betrayal, he actually got married behind your back, which to me, is a very big indicator of the fact that he's probably just trying to get back together with you because you always take him back, until he finds someone he thinks is "better." In my opinion (and you can take it or leave it, of course, and decide for yourself), you would be better off with someone who is going to be consistent from the get-go and isn't going to treat you like someone he can leave when he feels like it.
I know it's hard, and I know this might not be what you're wanting to hear, because I understand that you do love him - but, as cliche as it sounds, sometimes love is not enough to make a relationship work. It also takes trust, intimacy and commitment, and I find myself wondering if he is truly capable of this. If you do decide to give it a go with him, then I would suggest that you engage in couples counseling. Ask him if he would be willing to see a counselor with you - if he says no, then I wouldn't re-engage in the relationship at all. If he says yes, then at least that is some indication that he's willing to work on the relationship and put in the effort to make things work between you.
I hope that helps and I wish you luck. Please let me know if you have any additional questions.
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