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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been doing my own thing like we talked about and

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I have been doing my own thing like we talked about and actually enjoying myself. He doesn't get home until 8:00 or 8:30 most night because he is working on his sisters house so I have been free. Last night he came home. I was in happy mood. I had not called or bugged him while he was not home. I just did my own thing and enjoyed it. At first he seemed ok but as the minutes went by he started getting upset and mad. You could tell he wanted to blow up at me. When we went upstairs he started saying rude things but I ignored his emotional abuse. Sometimes it is hard because I am human. He then began to calm down. He was in a difficult mood again this morning. I have not bothered him bugged him or asked for anything. I have given him a 110% space. I don't ask any questions. What is his issue? Is it because I am not bothering him that he is getting mad? He tells everyone in him family that I smother him, etc. and it irritates him. I have never smothered him but I have backed way off now because I am tired of being accused of it. Usually when he text on his phone in front of me it bothers me and I would say something. I have not been saying anything. Last night when he was in room in bad mood he was holding his phone up texting and I ignored it. I didn't say a word nor did I even make any facial expressions at it. I acted as if it wasn't even happening. I have been communicating with other people via phone. I feel my relationship with him is dead and I need to move on. I still feel guilty inside for it which I should because he has cheated and treated me horrible. How do I get over the guilt feelings. I have alot of plans with people who are excited to do things with me but once again I feel bad not giving him first priority which I shouldn't because he has done nothing but dumped on me. What do you think? I think I am on my way to a new great life I just have to get through these lil bumps.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like he is upset with you because you are not responding to his abuse like he is used to. When someone is an abuser, they act in a certain way meant to control whomever they are with and keep them under their thumb. It is a way to make the abuser feel better about themselves. Since you are not responding in the same way as before, he is probably frustrated and doesn't know how to react. So he tries to abuse you further to see if he can gain control.

Your guilt feelings about not making him a priority and about leaving may be part of a co dependency issue. When you are in a relationship with an abuser, it can be difficult to have good self esteem. Many people go into abusive relationships without having a self esteem. The relationships appeal to them because they feel they do not deserve better. Or if they do have a good self esteem, they lose it during the relationship. It would help you to learn more about co dependency and the guilt that is caused by it. Here is a link to get you started:


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