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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello Kate......
See you then!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kate,
I'm sitting in an audiology waiting room waiting for Alexis to have her hearing aids checked. I am falling asleep! I was hoping it was hairdresser day today, but it was cancelled bc she needed her aids seen to. Flashes of coffee and cake by the sea keep coming to me, but I'll have to wait til next week for that. trouble with next week is that I won't be alone to enjoy it bc Alexis's new carer is going to be working with me; I hope she likes coffee and cake and a view of the sea!!
So I'm sitting in the hospital where I have worked for many years. I have the NHS job bulletin in my bag, not much on it, but there are a few RN jobs. I guess I'll have to brave it one day and get back in, just on the bank to start with. They have already accepted me, more than a year ago, just need my Occupational Health paperwork updated. If I don't get back in soon it will be harder for me, all the while I leave it. But I think I'd better leave it til the divorce is through.
I like the hospital environment, the busyness (to a point), the people (usually), the patients. I am a different me when I am at work, I can pretend I have confidence, communicate with ease, smile and be in control. I know a lot of people feel like this when they are in a role, they put a different hat on. It does work, mostly. It just didn't work for me last year, but I wasn't ready for it, I hope I will be one day before I have to forfeit my registration again. I said I would never let it lapse again, all those unpaid hours of ward work, plus the cost of the course and the studying. Part of me doesn't want to have the stress of going back to work. Part of me wants the value of being a nurse, and part of me worries that I might fall down again. It was a very heavy fall, last time, I was broken for a while. I am ashamed that I wasn't the person they thought I was when they employed me, that I'd been dishonest, told them I was up for the job, but I wasn't at all. Matron said she would have me back on the bank when I was ready. That would be good bc I know the ward and the staff, but it may be too memorable too, the staff will all know I broke, and I will be embarrassed. I know, one step at a time.
Home now. It's been a beautiful day, I like the evening sun. I've sat in the long grass in the field with the 2 dogs, Lola chasing an ever shortening stick until she could find it no longer! Poppy has her bf here. I'm not happy about it bc he was here last night and she didn't get her work done. She has music theory to do for her lesson tomorrow, that I can't make any more excuses for, and I'm seeing K tonight, so I don't know when she'll get it done. I know I need to set a boundary over this, I have tried, but both the kids just walk all over me. Maybe I'm being the opposite of how my mum was, letting them do so much more, not giving them a hard time over things. But I do need rules, there were rules, no-one to stay over on school nights, ask me first, but it's been hard to sustain. I don't feel like causing a rift, I don't want an unhappy Poppy.
I keep forgetting to tell you, the female budgie has been successful in hatching 2 babies at last, she tried all last year after several batches of babies the year before, so this is the first (I think) for 2 years. I clean the box out everyday, so handle them and see them growing and changing daily, which is quite amazing. I'm not sure what their colouring is going to be, they started off just white, but have some colour now. Maybe I'll post a pic one day while they are still finger tame. It won't be long before they won't want to know me, then they'll be gone. We can't replace Poppy's albino budgie who was blind, and just loved to be nuzzling in our hair. He was a big loss to us both.
''I am interested that you used yourself as a child for a role model for how to parent. I see how you thought of it and it makes sense. You didn't want your kids to feel as you did and be traumatized in the same way. But what is missing is that the cause of what you felt as a child was your parents. They caused you to feel as you did and the struggles you have currently. The absence of blame says that you may see yourself as the sole reason for the problems and not your parents. But if you had been able to have healthy parenting, you would not have suffered with any of these issues. So the problems did not originate with you, they came from your parents.''
I was going to write about your para above, but have drawn a blank just now, too much pressing me for time. I'll come back to it in a while. Supper, baby birds, K. I hope to be back before K, but don't know what Poppy's needs will be.
Talk later
H Rose

H Rose, It's nice to talk with you. It always brightens my day.

I hope the new carer likes sweets and a view of the sea too. You would be missing out on that special time to look forward to if she doesn't want to relax a bit!

I can understand that it is hard to go back to see the place where you struggled last year. The good and the bad. I think people understand, though. If you did go back, everyone knows that you would be fine. There isn't a person who hasn't had a rough time of it one time or another. Plus you are a good nurse and valuable employee.

I think you are right, it's probably better to wait until you are settled with your personal life before you decide what to do. It is a dilemma to get back before your registration expires but I think you will find your way. You are so changed from last year, coping in a much different way having been through so much and survived. You are strong and capable. Plus, I suspect a bit of the confident, smiling H Rose is more a part of you than you realize.

It is interesting that you talked yesterday about how much you used the little girl you were as an example of how not to parent. And you also feel that you are the opposite of your mother with your kids, being permissive and not overbearing. I wonder how much of your mother's influence is in your parenting style. It could be that she influenced you more than you feel she did.

I hope all goes well with K tonight. It is ok to set limits. Maybe at the beginning you can tell her that you need to tend to Poppy and only have X amount of time. See if that works.

If I don't get to talk with you, have a good night. Sleep well, H Rose!


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey Kate,
I'm done in! I thought it would be a tear free session, did OK talking about the divorce and home, but then I started talking about my wish to move away, somewhere different, away from my childhood and my marriage, and then 'parental control' took over.
D went out this evening. Sam had a room full of kids. D went into his room as he was hurrying to get away to watch the football at the pub, shut the door behind him. The door opened again, D was standing there as if waiting for something. Another min or so later he came out and rushed off. I am guessing D was asking Sam to roll him a joint. It makes me feel sick, .... in front of several kids. I am only surmising, but he had no other reason to be in there. At the dance the other night one of the fathers 'introduced' himself to D, said he knows why they all gather at Sam's room. D said yes, they'll do it anyway, anywhere. I need to look into the laws, what if Sam is selling?
My arm is a sight. This morning at Alexis's she wanted me to look at some sewing on a doll she was stuck with. I picked up a needle as we were talking, just idly sticking it into my leg through my shorts, no forethought (I do that a lot). When she left the room for something I couldn't stop myself from scratching my arm with it. It's not the first time I've done that while sewing at her house. It's only superficial, and I've usually been able to disguise them as bramble scratches, but these look like I've purposely put them there, over and over again. It's short sleeve weather for a change. I'll have to make them more random and bramble like before I see Kitty tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep now Kate, though I want to talk all night. I'm not feeling too good at all, but sleep will help no doubt!
Goodnight, and thank you :)
H Rosex

That is a very scary situation with Dave and Sam. I understand your fear that Sam might be selling. It is a short step from using to selling as I have seen when I was a Drug and Alcohol counselor. I don't want to scare you, only validate that you have reason to be concerned.

I did not know you felt like cutting. You must be in a lot of pain. Can we talk more about it tomorrow on the new thread? I want to hear how you are feeling and what you feel may be hurting you.

How did it go with K? Were you able to set a time limit like you wanted to?

Good night, H Rose! You are in my thoughts, always.


PS I just realized that I clicked answer again instead of info. Force of habit! Just ignore it, S'il vous plaît?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
OK, ignored, since you asked SO nicely! ;)
I couldn't set a time limit, and in fact I needed it in the end bc I was very slow to start, then got talking about my parents and their control, and that was pretty heavy. But at the start of my session I didn't want to be there, talk at all, I was very closed up, I'm not sure why. We did talk about Tony some, and my dad's interference, and I found a photo of us at his college ball. But I had to say I didn't want to talk about him and the situation any more to close it.
Back later
H Rose

Sounds like a tough session. You did talk about a lot of heavy duty topics. You must have been tired after that!

I'm heading over to the new thread to talk with you there.


I remembered to push info this time! :)