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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5820
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello Kate.............

Till tomorrow!


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kate,
thank you. I have had one of those days, shall I go, or shan't I. Tonight it's dance night in the village hall, Bollywood night in fact. Cathy is in the dance troupe, I said I'd try to go and at least watch their show, I thought I might be OK to do that. Alice texted me (C's daughter), asked me if I was going, she's being really sweet to me, told me she would be there. I said I might go to see her mum dance, that I'd see her there. Deb said this morning as I dropped poppy off for orchestra, come, we're going, gave me a big hug, go on, come. I hadn't really thought about it until today.D is helping with the music. He said are you coming and wearing your indian things??? Why not? He doesn't get it. I haven't stressed too much about it, just had that internal battle of wills, but the quite evening has come out on top. I'm not disappointed, just relieved. I know I'm not nearly ready yet, and D will be there larger than life.
I left him a message this morning before I went out on my errands, to please take the old fridge freezer to the tip, along with any other rubbish that there is lying around. I came back at midday, he was in the shower. Sam was just up. Once out he said he couldn't take the ff bc Sam wouldn't help him when he asked him, 'your son is too busy getting stoned', (I so hate this pot smoking) and so he wouldn't be doing it. I said he's up now, ask again, or I can help you. He said no to me, but I called Sam, who said give him 15 mins and he would help. It eventually got done but not without plenty of upset, but there apparently is no other rubbish at all lying around suitable to go to the tip. We shall see about that! Time for a skip I think, but he will have to be gone before I can do that. This is one of the reasons he doesn't want to go, bc he has stuff, soso much stuff, not a good idea to have so much room. He is taking over the house again, a pair of congas and their bags in the dining area, the huge telescope on tripod next to the table, his new amp and box in the hall...... Sorry, winge over. He's out tonight :)
I asked him earlier if I could set up a direct debit for £100 per week from his account. He said yes, but why don't you just use the joint account instead. I think he is being really really slow and ignorant here, and thinks that everything is going to be the same, just the paperwork will be different. But I will be taking my name off the joint accounts, and they will be his and his only. i did ask him, do you think it was OK that I set up the DD, or am I out of order. I didn't say for 'his rent' or 'his keep', just to pay towards the bills. I have control over the accounts online, and he never takes any notice of his bank statements, but I kind of feel I'm stealing, or will be when I take my name off.I know I wouldn't get it any other way. I think I'll change the car to my name next, and maybe take him off the insurance, but that may be a little too soon. Oh, and I must change my will.
Many many painful thoughts and feelings. Will it ever be possible to move on from them? Do I have to come to terms with how I felt, how does it work, how can I 'heal' from all this pain, that I have had buried bc it was better that way. I know it has all gone towards making me the person that I am, with the problems that I have, and now the struggle that I am in, does it get somehow sorted, and repackaged and filed again more carefully? Will it come back again, undone and in pieces, or does it stay done up and secure?
When I'd left home I felt that I could never really be free to be myself, how I wanted to be, while my parents were still alive. I had thoughts of them getting old and sick and dying, just so that I could have freedom. I feel terrible now remembering that I wished them away, but I don't feel like that now. I don't know how I will feel when they die. I will surely feel like a grown-up at last, I just feel like their daughter. But I am supposedly the 'sensible one', who can deal with the elderly relative's estates on their demise- one down (that was a very complicated inter-continental and step family affair, a cousin who is a heroine addict demanding his share from Australia, phoning me at all hours desperate for funds) 2 aunts to go, then parents. Hi***y will do it, she has a good head on her, she always says of course, she is a 'good girl'. Sorry, got a bit lost there....
You asked me what I need to make me happy? I think I need some time away, alone, where I can just think about me, be selfish, not have to check myself to make sure it's OK by everybody else. I know I can't do this now, but I really feel I'd like a complete and absolute fresh start, somewhere small where I don't know anyone, where I can rediscover myself, maybe pretend a little that I'm not who I really feel I am, somewhere that I could easily integrate into the community, go to church, meet people again, that don't know me, who can look at me with fresh eyes, and I can start my life for a second time, this time only being controlled by me, on my terms, at my pace, and I think about this a lot, but feel I can't do this while my parents are still alive and well, and certainly not while Poppy and Sam are still home. So maybe in a few years that might be a possibility, but at least now I can dream about it, somewhere by the sea. Oh, and I'd like to meet someone good for me one day. :)
But in the here and now, all I really want is to be able to enjoy the children for the last few years of their living with me, without having to juggle my thoughts and feelings about D, so, quite simply, for D to be HAPPY to find another home, for him to find another woman (that would make me very very happy, and a lot less guilty and selfish). Being selfish and caring for oneself are soso close it's hard to draw the line.
I do have people who care and affirm my value, for sure (thank you), and I do hear them and absorb them. Sometimes I try to look at myself from others eyes, and wonder what I'm really like. I'm never really sure, I find it hard to get a certain answer, is it hard to do? Look at yourself like that, not from your own eyes? I sometimes wish I could have a chat with myself, just to see what I'm like, what I think of me. I know what D thinks, or I think I do, actually his mind is none too easy to suss.
It's so quiet here, I'm alone, waiting for Sam to come bursting through the door, have a 2 minute shower, then ask for me to take him to a party in the next village. Poppy is there already with her bf, who's birthday it is today. He's 16 now, the legal for sex. Where does that leave Poppy, not long 14. She's sensible, she won't want to go there. Mum isn't happy she has a bf, frowns on it, tut-tuts, has been asking my sister lots of questions about her. WHY? Leave us alone.
Sorry Kate, going on again.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
back from the party run, home with a bunch of kids bc the party had to be cancelled, neighbors on the look-out while parents away!! I'm glad they're both here now, I should sleep more easily.
Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow,
I like that you go on Rose. This is a new side where you are sharing some of your deepest feelings about the situation you find yourself in and getting over that line to freedom. It's always good to talk and to get support when you feel as you do. You are simply sorting things out, which is always smart.

The permission for others to control you is inside of you. It is the fear of disappointing, of someone withholding their love, and the attachment of your esteem to others opinions that prevents you from moving on from this. Once you can boost your self esteem, things will become clearer and leaving these painful memories behind will be easier. That does take some work but you are already moving towards a better and higher view of yourself. Just going from not being able to face Dave last year to handing him divorce papers this year. That is an incredible leap!

There is a lot of guilt and shame built into getting your own needs met. Somewhere along the way you learned that getting your basic needs addressed or wanting to be loved and cared for meant you were being self centered. This is something you mention a lot, even just in your current post. You said that you didn't ask Dave for rent or his keep and that you feel you would be stealing to take it from him or his accounts for that purpose. Rose, that is not stealing and you are not asking him for much. He is imposing on you by staying in the home when you have asked him to leave. But you accept that it is you who is the bad person and not that Dave's behavior is what is causing the problem. There are no boundaries for you that lets others accept the consequences for their own behavior. That is because your need to be loved and accepted is tied to others being happy with you, just as it was with your mother growing up. It was the only way to have a chance to get her love. It never worked, but you tried so hard that it became part of the way you try to get what you need from others even now.

There is no shame in having the feeling that you want your parents out of your life. It is a feeling, not an action. And they have hurt you all your life. They still try to control you, hurting you even further. They try to make you feel guilty and won't let you be your own person. That is enough to make you want to get away just to be free, like you feel with Dave.

It was interesting what would make you happy. It's the absence of others who impose on you and make demands. It's being anonymous so you don't feel you have to be there for others and they have no expectations of you. What you describe is basically having boundaries with others. But you feel in order to have it, you have to be somewhere that no one knows you so you can have those boundaries. Also, Dave leaving and finding someone else makes you happy which tells you a lot about how you feel about your marriage.

You mentioned that you don't know who you are and that you want to see yourself from others' eyes. When you spend your whole life trying to be someone that another person wants you to be (your mother, then Dave want you to give up yourself for them), then you may come to a point in your life where find yourself questioning who you really are. I think it's a wonderful question that you can ask others to help you with. I think you might know how I feel about you (all good things :) but you are still welcome to ask) but it is a good question to ask others. Try asking Cathy and K. Ask Adele. Ask your kids. Basically, take a survey of those you know and whose opinion you trust. You don't want to ask someone like your mother or Dave. Or even your father. Your siblings might be good though. Take in what others say and see what you think about it.

I'm glad everyone made it home ok tonight. I know just how you feel! Good night, Rose.

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Kate,
as always. Just saying hi, have to go and pick Poppy up from her bf's. Be back later :)

Hello! It's nice to hear from you! See you later!