thank you. I have had one of those days, shall I go, or shan't I. Tonight it's dance night in the village hall, Bollywood night in fact. Cathy is in the dance troupe, I said I'd try to go and at least watch their show, I thought I might be OK to do that. Alice texted me (C's daughter), asked me if I was going, she's being really sweet to me, told me she would be there. I said I might go to see her mum dance, that I'd see her there. Deb said this morning as I dropped poppy off for orchestra, come, we're going, gave me a big hug, go on, come. I hadn't really thought about it until today.D is helping with the music. He said are you coming and wearing your indian things??? Why not? He doesn't get it. I haven't stressed too much about it, just had that internal battle of wills, but the quite evening has come out on top. I'm not disappointed, just relieved. I know I'm not nearly ready yet, and D will be there larger than life.
I left him a message this morning before I went out on my errands, to please take the old fridge freezer to the tip, along with any other rubbish that there is lying around. I came back at midday, he was in the shower. Sam was just up. Once out he said he couldn't take the ff bc Sam wouldn't help him when he asked him, 'your son is too busy getting stoned', (I so hate this pot smoking) and so he wouldn't be doing it. I said he's up now, ask again, or I can help you. He said no to me, but I called Sam, who said give him 15 mins and he would help. It eventually got done but not without plenty of upset, but there apparently is no other rubbish at all lying around suitable to go to the tip. We shall see about that! Time for a skip I think, but he will have to be gone before I can do that. This is one of the reasons he doesn't want to go, bc he has stuff, soso much stuff, not a good idea to have so much room. He is taking over the house again, a pair of congas and their bags in the dining area, the huge telescope on tripod next to the table, his new amp and box in the hall...... Sorry, winge over. He's out tonight :)
I asked him earlier if I could set up a direct debit for £100 per week from his account. He said yes, but why don't you just use the joint account instead. I think he is being really really slow and ignorant here, and thinks that everything is going to be the same, just the paperwork will be different. But I will be taking my name off the joint accounts, and they will be his and his only. i did
ask him, do you think it was OK that I set up the DD, or am I out of order. I didn't say for 'his rent' or 'his keep', just to pay towards the bills. I have control over the accounts online, and he never takes any notice of his bank statements, but I kind of feel I'm stealing, or will be when I take my name off.I know I wouldn't get it any other way. I think I'll change the car to my name next, and maybe take him off the insurance, but that may be a little too soon. Oh, and I must change my will.
Many many painful thoughts and feelings. Will it ever be possible to move on from them? Do I have to come to terms with how I felt, how does it work, how can I 'heal' from all this pain, that I have had buried bc it was better that way. I know it has all gone towards making me the person that I am, with the problems that I have, and now the struggle that I am in, does it get somehow sorted, and repackaged and filed again more carefully? Will it come back again, undone and in pieces, or does it stay done up and secure?
When I'd left home I felt that I could never really be free to be myself, how I wanted to be, while my parents were still alive. I had thoughts of them getting old and sick and dying, just so that I could have freedom. I feel terrible now remembering that I wished them away, but I don't feel like that now. I don't know how I will feel when they die. I will surely feel like a grown-up at last, I just feel like their daughter. But I am supposedly the 'sensible one', who can deal with the elderly relative's estates on their demise- one down (that was a very complicated inter-continental and step family affair, a cousin who is a heroine addict demanding his share from Australia, phoning me at all hours desperate for funds) 2 aunts to go, then parents. Hi***y will do it, she has a good head on her, she always says of course, she is a 'good girl'. Sorry, got a bit lost there....
You asked me what I need to make me happy? I think I need some time away, alone, where I can just think about me, be selfish, not have to check myself to make sure it's OK by everybody else. I know I can't do this now, but I really feel I'd like a complete and absolute fresh start, somewhere small where I don't know anyone, where I can rediscover myself, maybe pretend a little that I'm not who I really feel I am, somewhere that I could easily integrate into the community, go to church, meet people again, that don't know me, who can look at me with fresh eyes, and I can start my life for a second time, this time only being controlled by me, on my terms, at my pace, and I think about this a lot, but feel I can't do this while my parents are still alive and well, and certainly not while Poppy and Sam are still home. So maybe in a few years that might be a possibility, but at least now I can dream about it, somewhere by the sea. Oh, and I'd like to meet someone good for me one day. :)
But in the here and now, all I really want is to be able to enjoy the children for the last few years of their living with me, without having to juggle my thoughts and feelings about D, so, quite simply, for D to be HAPPY to find another home, for him to find another woman (that would make me very very happy, and a lot less guilty and selfish). Being selfish and caring for oneself are soso close it's hard to draw the line.
I do have people who care and affirm my value, for sure (thank you), and I do hear them and absorb them. Sometimes I try to look at myself from others eyes, and wonder what I'm really like. I'm never really sure, I find it hard to get a certain answer, is it hard to do? Look at yourself like that, not from your own eyes? I sometimes wish I could have a chat with myself, just to see what I'm like, what I think of me. I know what D thinks, or I think I do, actually his mind is none too easy to suss.
It's so quiet here, I'm alone, waiting for Sam to come bursting through the door, have a 2 minute shower, then ask for me to take him to a party in the next village. Poppy is there already with her bf, who's birthday it is today. He's 16 now, the legal for sex. Where does that leave Poppy, not long 14. She's sensible, she won't want to go there. Mum isn't happy she has a bf, frowns on it, tut-tuts, has been asking my sister lots of questions about her. WHY? Leave us alone.
Sorry Kate, going on again.