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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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I am 35 my wife is 36. we have had a turbulent relationship

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hi, I am 35 my wife is 36. we have had a turbulent relationship for the past 10 yrs. But I guess we love each other very much deep down. We came to malaysia 4 yrs ago and since then I have tried my best to be a model husband and my wife recognized that. Then two yrs ago she visited the USA for three months to stay at her brothers and while there she met some one online and started having an online affair with him. He is just 27 now. I found out about this just two months ago with a keylogger installed on her computer. We have grown especially close over the past 6 months and she really started showing her love for me. When I confronted her I found out details like she really wanted to have sex with him but he refused saying he does not wanna ruin her marriage. I don't even know if they really had sex or not. And they have been cheating on me online for two years. This really hurts. Now my wife says that she loves me very much and will never do something like this again. She says the other guy din't mean anything. The question is....Should I trust her and Move On???????Or should I keep monitoring her online activity?????
Hi there,
I realize how painful and frustrating this situation can be, and that you're dealing with a lot of unanswered questions right now. The hurt of betrayal and the loss of a feeling of trust is something that can be very difficult to re-establish after an affair, whether it's online or in-person - there's little distinction because both of these types of affairs involve cheating, which is an act of emotional (and often physical - although not always) betrayal. The first thing I'd like to say is that it is probably not a good idea to continue to monitor her online activity, as tempting as it can be. Doing this is only going to cause you both more pain and grief, and it's also going to prevent your relationship from healing and moving forward, because you're not allowing her a chance to earn your trust again. That being said, she has to truly want to work on your relationship and earn your trust in order for the healing process to have any chance at success. You have to ask yourself, deep down in your gut, do you feel that she is being honest with you and do you feel that she has truly stopped contact with this man? If the answer to this is no, then you have to ask yourself if you feel like this is a situation you can forgive - or even a situation that you'd want to stay in, and why. It's possible that you can't forgive her right now (you just learned about this two months ago, after all, and that's not really a long time), but that in time, you can begin to trust her again. The other thing I'd be asking myself is regarding her motives. Is she saying that this guy meant nothing to her because you caught her, or because he said he didn't want to ruin your marriage? Or is she saying that out of a genuine feeling of love and wanting to work things out with you? If you feel that she truly loves you and is truly sorry for her actions, then trying to move on and put this behind you is probably the best thing to do, but it's not easy. It takes time, patience and hard work on both of your parts to make this work.
Since you say that your relationship has been turbulent for the past ten years, I would suggest that you think about seeing a couples therapist to discuss not only this issue that's presenting itself now, but the other issues that you've been dealing with on an ongoing basis. It can be helpful to discuss this with a neutral party who can act as a sort of mediator between the two of you, and it can also help open up your lines of communication as well.
Basically, it's a question of forgiveness - whether she truly wants your forgiveness and wants to move on with you, and whether you feel that this is something you can forgive and want to try to work through. It's not always possible, but if you love each other, you can both make your relationship work through re-establishing trust and working on developing a deeper level of intimacy.
I hope that helps, and I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know if you need any additional assistance.
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