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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate, Wow, my session was exhausting. I spent a lot of it

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate,
Wow, my session was exhausting. I spent a lot of it crying which I don't do very often. But we went through the assaults and my new memories and it is more than difficult to discuss out loud but I finally did. I will share with you what the terrible thing I remembered was.
When I first remembered the assault when I took the recycling out it was this one guy who hopped a fence onto my property and assaulted me. But something was nagging me about it. Something seemed to be missing. Then the nightmares came.
I dreamed they flipped me over and the first guy helped hold me while the second guy took his turn. When I was awake I realized this really happened. I was mortified. One stranger violating me is more than enough. The next night I had another nightmare but this one gave me more details. Details of what he was wearing, etc.
But you know what the worst thing was Kate? They were laughing at me. They said I was nothing. I can still hear their laughs. It feels so terrible right now.
My therapist says I am strong enough to get through it considering how much I endured and managed while raising my daughter to be a strong young lady.
I don't know if I am strong enough How much can one person take? Plus I know God gave us all free choice but why was I chosen to be a victim of such vicious horrible crimes not once or twice but three times. I don't understand. Does He think I can handle it so this was my fate? I am so confused why so many bad things have happeded to me. Plus I feel weak and tired.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kathy,

That is an awful memory. I can imagine that you repressed it because it was difficult to face. When someone is attacked, there is a component of shame and guilt. Almost all survivors experience this and it can be a difficult part of recovery to work through it. But just because you feel it doesn't mean that what happened to you was your fault. It was not your fault, under any circumstances. No matter what happened that night, you did not deserve what they did to you. No one deserves something so horrible and painful.

It is very difficult to remember such a horrible thing happening to you. But no matter what they did, it was all about them and not you. The perpetrators are going to do whatever they can to make you feel awful because their goal is to make themselves feel better. They have the need to hurt so they can hurt less themselves. Understanding that may not help you forget what happened, but it can let you see that this had nothing to do with you and the strong person you are.

It sounds like your therapist is really helping you work through some of the worst of what you experienced. It can be painful to face it, but with support and the insights of your therapist, you will be able to put this behind you. Just go easy on yourself and give yourself time to recover. Each step you take will bring you closer to feeling yourself again.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks Kate.

I suppose given it is all so fresh, this is the hardest time for me. It was awful enough for me to accept that I was violated by one guy but two? This is very difficult for me to face. Plus the memory of the masks they wore. Plus i remember the second guy wearing a skull and crossbones necklace. While he was assaulting me, for some reason, I focused on it swinging back and forth. Every time I close my eyes, I can see it and it is very upsetting.

And the laughter aimed toward me was terrible. Calling me nothing. I'm not nothing right? I think I count. They were young. When they spoke either to me or to each other, their words were filled with obsenities. The whole situation is so sad. Sometimes that is all feel, enveloped in it and I can't find my way out. I wish I hadn't remembered this part. Even though, as my therapist says, it was the same assault you are just remembering more. It feels like a whole different assault and situation.

I remembering being excited to face another day. Now I just want the day to end, To me, this is wasting my time, my life. I wish I could get better faster. I am just so darn slow getting these feelings out.


Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You have to go easy on yourself. Trauma is very overwhelming to work through for anyone. And keep in mind, those guys were the crazy ones. Whatever they said or did to you was all about how mentally ill they were. No one attacks someone else and is emotionally healthy.

You cannot let yourself believe what they said to you for that very reason. They are sick individuals and whatever they say or do is going to reflect that. It has nothing to do with who you are.

This will pass. It takes time. Be good to yourself and allow yourself time to deal with this. You can do it.

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