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Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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This answer was rated:

Hi Kate.............
Hey you! I got it. See you soon!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello Kate,
I just want to say hello. I'm so extremely tired, exhausted to tears, I can't think how I will get through to the end.... but I will
I've had a tedious day with Alexis, driving around the villages putting up advert cards in shops bc she needs a new carer to cover maternity leave. And it's raining. Home now, and D is trying to be nice and please me. I hope he goes out tonight bc I'm meeting with K. I can go to the cottage, there is no one there this week.
I'll try to 'talk proper' later,
Rose :)

Hi Rose!

No need to worry about proper talking here. I'm just glad to hear from you :)

I am very interested in your opinion of Dave's attempt to be nice and please you. It was wonderful! I think in the past, his actions might have created a lot of doubt for you and made you feel bad. But this time, you just said you hope he goes out. Good for you, Rose.

I hope you can get some rest today. You do sound tired. No worries about getting back to me. How is the divorce situation going?


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
just wanted to say you made me SMILE, and feel warm and cosy... thank you :)
I am glad to hear that! Talk to you soon!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kate,
oh, such a long talk with K, struggling now. Just filled her in as to events, which she already knew by email. Talked about my feeling entrapped again already. He is behaving as if nothing has changed, still just sitting around, still expecting his dinner. Nothing HAS changed, yet. He didn't go out tonight, sat in with the TV.
I was lying on my bed earlier thinking what I need to do to my room to make it more acceptable forever. Like I need a chest of drawers, thinking about having a little change around so that I can fit one in, move something else out. It made me smile to think of having a new chest of drawers, maybe a mirror on top, nice ornaments. But then I thought I have given in, no fight, that's it, I'm here in my little room (it really is tiny), and I'm letting him have it all, he has his way, apart from the divorce, he has everything he wants. Easy peasy.
K said NO, that is not how it will be. 'Just bc D says so, does not make it so'. I need to talk to Mark the lawyer.
You asked about progress with the divorce.... well, I've emailed Mark to tell him of the weekend's events, and that D had 'agreed' to a divorce, but he wouldn't be getting legal advice at all, and he wouldn't sign the papers off his own back, but might if I asked him to, and did Mark want them signed, or could he go ahead without them signed. Well, guess what, he hasn't replied, so far, so I have let him know how things stand, I'll just wait now. I think next week the petition will go to court, and after that the first round of papers from the court get sent to D, and he has to do something with them this time.
So tired, can't think any more, must sleep,
good night, mon amie :)

I agree with K, just because Dave says so doesn't mean it is so. It is exhausting, I know, but finding another way to get him out might be needed. He seems to really have put you through it just so he could have his way. And it is not right.

There are two parts to this- getting Dave out and how you feel about getting Dave out. Both can feel very overwhelming, making it seem like an uphill climb. But once you find something that you feel might work, this will be easier. It needs to be something that Dave has no power over. At this point, that seems to be the court system and the police, both of which are trouble for you, but Dave's behavior has left little choice.

I think you are right, Dave intends to see that nothing changes. He is either hoping that by ignoring the issue it will go away or he is digging in and in a way hoping you will not find a way to force him to leave. He counts on the old Rose, the one that gives in and has no choice but to let him rule. But that Rose has been taken over by a new Rose, one that sees him for what he is and wants a better life.

It may be time to take a look at your options. Maybe talk to friends and family to see what they think and who can offer some solutions to you. And maybe consider making Dave's life difficult at home. The easier he has it the more likely he will refuse to leave. As we talked about the other day, refusing to do anything for him anymore might help. It may also bring things to a head, which is not great, but it gives you an option of calling the police which then makes your efforts to get him out a whole lot easier.

Regardless of what path you decide on, taking care of yourself is important. You are under a lot of emotional strain right now with little to no relief. It is important to consider what you can do for yourself to not only set boundaries, but to give yourself a break. I can help you if you want to talk about it. We can come up with some options for you.

I'm here for you, Rose. I am sorry that Dave is still continuing in his quest to give you as much trouble as he can. What ever I can do to help, please let me know.

Good night, dear Rose. You are in my thoughts.

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