Thanks, ***** ***** thanks for moving my post. It really was a separate question, and I don't want to get booted from my subscription.
I am having some alone time right now. P went to church for PT practice before 8 and church doesn't start till 10:30. So I have just been hanging out for a little bit crying a little. I was really panicked last night and an mad at myself about it this morning. But I know if that guy would have awakened me from a nightmare or would have come in right after, it might have freaked me out. I sometimes get freaked out when p wakes me up. And it was hard enough for me to figure out where I was when I woke up from the nightmare. He didn't look like the mean one in the face, but he was like 6'5" with dark short hair, like the mean one. I can't see more than outlines without my glasses or contacts anyway. I hate being this way. I know I overreacted in my feelings. I didn't feel as safe as I did the first 2 times.
I am just feeling bad and feeling bad for feeling this bad. I feel like such a wimp. Plus, I think it's amplified because I am so tired. I only slept a total of about 4 hours or less. I was so glad to come home and see p and the dogs! I know - that's childish. But it's true. I started tearing up when I turned on our street and had to gather myself before pulling in the garage.
Thanks for saying I'm normal. It sure doesn't feel like it. I understand that it may be a normal way to react to an abnormal situation (you therapists live that phrase, don't you? :) ). But it still is not normal. I used to take pride in standing out and being different. I am getting some of that back, in other areas. More like how I was before. Didn notice I had lost it until I started to regain some of it recently. But I want to be totally normal. The same as soneone to whom this didn't happen. I know everyone has something they have to deal with. But I want tI have deal with it. Thank you for reminding me I won't feel this way forever. I worry sometimes, since it has lasted much longer than I expected. I don't want to be like this. It's not me.
Kate: Also - I think you are totally right about my not being able to gauge my feelings and depending on others' reactions. Since Linda and you know most, I look to you guys. P knows a lot. Nobody else does. I can't trust the reactions of people who don't know everything, because I think of they knew everything they would react differently, an even with the little info they have, they may just be reacting as thy think they should so thy don't hurt my feelings. And that is why I worried about you and Linda. Your job is not to make me feel worse or I blame, so I was suspicious of what you say. I trust it more now because you have both been consistent and I know, by Linda's expression an that she has cried with me that she is being genuine. But it is very hard for me to gauge - you are right. The fact that my ingrained feelings contradict what you and Linda say, and the fact that the reaction from the first friend I told an from my parents was totally different, I think plays into it.
I just now get why Linda wanted me to tell certain people to see their reactions. Makes sense now. Of course, telling c kind of back-fired a little at first but not ultimately. Telling Debra was definitely a God thing.
So .... Now that we have established I trust you. I have asked you honestly what you thought about my fault, an I believe you. Can you tell me what you felt/thought free you tea my story and after I told you other things?
There is nothing wrong with how you felt last night with the possibility of that guy being near you when you slept or woke up. The chance that he could have been nearby would have been a trigger for you and that would have set off your memories and therefore your feelings about what happened to you. It is normal to protect yourself from something like that.
Oh my, Shay, you are not a wimp! You have feelings about being from home, scared by the male tech and just wanting to feel safe. You are actually very strong to face so much and still keep trying.
We therapists do love that phrase! But it fits very well for people who feel like you do- that something is wrong with them for having strong emotions about a very bad situation in their life. For some reason, it is a taboo to feel like you have been knocked down by a trauma or incident. It's not going to help anyone to think that normal emotional reactions are bad. Those feelings will be there whether they are denied or not. And they will want attention until they are dealt with.
Now that you have insight into how others reactions affect your view of yourself and your situation, you can begin to see that what you feel is normal and how you are reacting to it is normal. By accepting your reaction as normal, you can lessen you dependence on others for verifying how you feel and begin to depend on yourself.
If I am interpreting your last sentence right, you want to know what I felt about the additional things you told me about your story and what happened to you. I felt the same as I did before. What you had to do to survive was what you had to do. There is no shame in surviving, only strength. It takes a lot to do what you had to do in order to come out of the attack in more or less one piece and alive. I see you as a survivor of not only your childhood, which breaks my heart, but of the attack, which was horrible. I see your strength and your determination to get better and overcome what they did to you. I understand how you could feel as you do and I respect it. But it is not what I see in you.