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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1765
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
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FOR OLSEN. i have been spending/ wasting alot of time trying

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hi steven. i have been spending/ wasting alot of time trying to upgrade my account with just answer. its been def 30 min trying to do this.
anyway my mother well said kate cant come to the wake. she said she didnt even know her. i said its not about that. its that im going and so kate should be. well she said that its not a place for a 2 year old. so she said rob should come and i can watch kate. and then we could switch. im not going to go for an hour. im going to miss work to go for an hour? i mean honestly. im not. so i said well if kates not coming i guess im not. b/c everyone will be at the funeral. so wtf am i supposed to do? first i feel like its the same shit with stephens wedding. they dont want her there. kates part of the family isnt she? and i feel like what theyre saying is they also dont give a f**k if im there or not right? so my mil said she wanted to come but she would watch kate then so rob and i could go. i just feel my mom makes everything harder for me. im preg work full time and have a toddler. i dont need this shit steven.
i would let kate act out of order. or be up at the coffin. we would take turns with her outside as necessary. i figure everyone hasnt seen her since the wedding. so they could meet her. but again were not invited. like last year my mom sis from ohio came she not only didnt watch kate that week, she didnt invite me and kate over. and i just feel like ok, i feel stupid. b/c well obviously no one wants me.
my mil suggested i take kate and stayt in the back with her. but i know if i do that.. well my mother will be pissed and i dont want to deal with that. i feel like making good on my threat of kate doesnt go so i dont. i wouldnt bring kate to jens moms funeral but i would expect her kids there. my dad said oh its not good for kate. i said dad kids are part of families. he said i know what you mean.. yeah but what? let everyone go and ill stay home with kate. of course im sure shit will be said about me then too. i feel like my mom wants to punish me for having children. or its an excuse to not have me come. when i said i couldnt come then nothing was said by mom or my bro. nothing. i felt like saying oh everyone happy? mission accomplished? you won everyone. you won.
on top of all this other crap my mother is being spiteful to her sisters. she wont plan the whole thing without them. she said she did it last time and they came waltzing in and shes making them both do it. my father and i are in a shit fit b/c we both have to work. and my moms like when it happens it happens. none of them work except for my dad. so her 2 sisters and their husbands one is retired one is crazy, and they dont work. so i said to my dad to not to sweat it and to take 3 days. and then go back to work. i told him take sun mon tue. work wed thur and be off fri. my dad has planned many funerals and was willing to just go and plan this f**king thing as he said. i told him id go with him. i knew grandma wanted everything pink but i would make the flowers pink and get a bronze coffin with the white satin liner and itd all be fine. get the rosary beads for the inside from her great grandchildren and go get the the flowers done. my dad recalled about his brothers funeral he planned when he was 19 and his brother commited suicide at 18. and his mother didnt plan the funeral. why? i dont know but my dad did it. he just married my mom and his brother killed himself b/c of a girl he had a baby with. she used to manipulate him. tell him to bring money so he cxould see the baby. he would she would take the money and the baby wouldnt be there. she would slam the door without him seeing the baby and then shed call the cops on him b/c hed be screaming and calling her names. then hed get arrested. finally he took pills i dont know what. went to the church and told the priest what hed done. he wanted the priest to forgive him. he died in the church. the ambulance didnt get there fast enough. they even called back b/c they waited so long - the nuns -and told ems that a priest was dying trying to hurry them. his funeral was there. its the same church my parents married and the same one that my grandmother will have hers. my dad said his brother didnt have asuit and he had to buy him one to be buried in and got everything but forgot underwear. so then he had to go across the street to go and buy underwear b/c the funeral people said you have to have underwear.
i told my dad we could go and do it - but he didnt bring it up to my mom. he said if we think this bad wait til they start going thru her stuff and dividing stuff. i actually had the awful thought a week ago or so...oh if grandma died maybe wed get a little money.. (a little like 10k..). we could use it. i have all my roof shingles falling off. and i need the front concrete done. plus of course furniture. forget it. they could give us 50k and it still might not be enuff. i know thats bad right?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.

Family anything of this nature is like an endless trip into a torture chamber. Let's look at these issues one at a time.

The money: No, it is not bad to think of money when someone dies. It is natural and does not make you a bad person. She certainly is not going to need it, and her life left her with assets that must be divided. You are a relative and may be entitled to some of this. It is not bad to think it. As a matter of fact, it is simply logical to do so. So, don't feel badly about these thoughts. Totally normal and not ghoulish.

Kate is at an age where death is not understood as permanent. It helps her to see and go to funerals and of course you would not let her run amok. She is a little girl, not a disturbance. This limiting thinking of not including her is ridiculous and you are totally on target. This is rejecting you as well as your family. You may wish to think about the stand you are willing or not willing to make on this. But, if you stood your ground and insisted Kate come, or you refuse to attend, you would not be wrong in doing so. They are. Badly at that. However, you are an adult, despite being surrounded by these miserable adults looking but in reality, adolescents. Yes they may be angry with you if you do not go. And, you may have them angry at you if you do. But this must be what you feel is best for Kate and for your family. Sometimes is really does not matter what family thinks of you. It hurts, true...but sometimes a stand on an issue is needed.

Your mom and her sisters not coming up to the plate to help plan: That is definitely something you should stay out of. That is their issues and the ones who do not work should take the lead. If they do not, natural consequences will occur. Those are often bloody fights and nasty words, but in this case it is best for you to plead the "work issues" of your own life and the pregnancy and bow out of this as much as you can. This will cause trouble. You can see it already brewing and the money issue will add fuel to the fire.

You can't win in this one, so stay out as much as you can and as silent as you can. Even if you are right in your thoughts on this you will lose if you are heard. So, low profile here. In know yo have great ideas, but professionally speaking. Try to not say a word on this.

Your father, and he is not my client, but I will say he should do the same thing. He has been through enough with all that you described. And, he is working full time. He does not need the stress of planning a funeral on top of work and his own past trauma with his brother. The memories will be hard enough let alone having him relive the trauma of the past. Your advice to him about the days off for bereavement was excellent. He does not know what is happening, so plan like he does and take time off.

Hang in there. This is going to be a emotional ride. I can see it forming. Steven

Steven Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well its weird that i thought of it like a week ago. and i mentioned it to rob. and rob said yeah that would be a big help... grandmas house was paid off and im pretty sure she could get 800k or so for it. its 3 family. so people buy those house to be slumlords and make rent like you cant believe. i think ill talk to my dad about him buying it from them to make some cheddar. it already has one tenant so hed only need to get 2 more.. he could even rent the garage as a parking spot. yep those things occur in the city. he could rent it additionally to the tenant.. and the middle tenant gets a backyard. forget it. it could be like 2500 a month. my dad always wanted to be a slumlord.
holy crap steven i just looked quickly they could get 900k. at least to comparables in the neighborhood. plus all her cash and saving bonds. plus her jewelry we she has a ton of. her engagement ring is over 2 carats and the whole band is diamond and platinum. my mom asked me what i thought that ring is worth. i said i thought like 25k. she said really? i said yeah. i should be on the price is right my god.
im a good shopper.
my mother has somehow changed her mind, my dad talked with her and she seems to be flip flopping. she thinks if the babys there shell have to go outside with her. i told him i would absolutely not have her leave to take the baby out. so he told me to call my mom. and ask i asked her and she was lie cant joan - my mil watch her even just sat night?
its only 2 hrs... i dont get the drama of it all really.
my dad on the other hand made more arrangements by setting up the days which are sat night sun afternoon / night and he set up the church for mon am. she doenst know about the church yet apparently. my dad planned his grandparents funerals whom he grew up with in his early 20s they died. before i was born.. and he did his uncle eddies- uncle eddie was retarded and had no fmaily but my dad was close to him as he lived with my dad with the grandparents and my dad took care of him til i was a teenager and he died. so my dads pretty well versed. he already called the florist and started with that - hes at work making these calls. i told him i could but he said he had it covered. he said my mom said red roses. i said yeah but grandma wanted everything pink - she even wanted a pink coffin (maybe she wanted to feel like she was inside a cupcake? ) so the coffin isnt and i said see if we could get the liner but the liner is special if its pink so i said see if the rosary could be pink and do the flowers pink - so of course my mother told him red - and i said why to him and he said thats what she said. i said oh geez with her. its like she doenst want her mother to have anything she wanted steven. whats wrong with her? i mean if my mom says red roses. ill get her the red roses. its what she wanted.
i guess i know now.
my dad said oh the 3 of them (referring to my mom and sisters) need someone to tell them what to do. so he told my mother tell them they better get here cuz its starting sat night and thats plenty of time to get here from wed am to sat night. so she got on the phone and told them that. so apparently thats when it is. so much for dad not planning it. he said this shit should have been done yesterday. i agree.
btw the night - not last night but the night before at work i had to cps. i was team nsg with another nurse kerri - and she got a pt who was 15 and od. she drank 100 proof etoh. so she was half unconscious vomiting everywhere. she was filthy dirty. covered in dirt and grass. her mother was ther with a sister who was 13 and had no shoes and another girl who was a friend. she had drag marks on her legs but old abrasions. so we cnat get aline and we have several people stick her til we get the line. i felt like she possibly needed to be intubated to prevent aspiration. but the er md who was not dr a or b.. wouldnt even come and see her. i uptriaged her to a 2. 1 is coding so i couldnt do that.. ok so the mother is freaking out and im trying to ignore them as we have work to do and i cnat focus on her. so soemone get sthe line and she falls asleep. she stopped vomiting and were just watching the monitor. so i say to kerri i thin we need to call cps. shes like why? kids drink. i said theyre unkept. the other kid doenst have shoes. the gilr was covered in grass. the abrasions. its tuesday night at midnight. isnt there school? wheres her mother? it seems pretty complacent that kids drink here. i said well my mother knew where the hell i was. and i wasnt drinking. and i wanst out tuesday night. so it get squieter and i decide to start doing research. i pull all her old charts up. so the last time she was here was a month ago. she was in a van that was driving erratically and had no seats in the back. the van finally crashed with an unknown driver. she had lacerations on her face. she ends up having 13 visits to our er alone in 2 years. which averages 1 every 2 months. for various crap. colds. a headache. so im like i think we need to call. if this girl end sup dead were gonn a be in the shitter. so i tell michele. she doenst seem to impressed with our story so far. the girl wakes up. shes screaming along with the mother and sister in the room fighting. i wal in and the sister says can you f**king tranquilize her? yeah sure she was just practically in a coma. ill do that. so im like whats going on? so the kid says they left me for 2 days locked out of the house. i was in the woods. the mother says your dad was there. she said he wouldnt let me in. so she says you have a key. she says he took the key months ago. you told me youd be back the same day. then you just never came back. so securitys there and im like jesus christ. i dont wnat to call b/c i feel like.. how is this the right thing to say steven? i feel like if you put a bad thing out there a bad thing will happen to you. like somehow the universe will come back and smack me. i dont like fiing complaints against anyone cuz you could end up having them lose their jobs.. and i dont like my dogma being hit by someones karma. ive been thru enough. i tried again to speak to the er md and he told me stop asking questions and agitating the pt. i told him i didnt agitate the pt. she was screaming and i went there. and i have witnesses that heard her screaming she was locked out for 2 days etc. so he tells me im discharging her. i said well i think she needs cps called and theyt can sort this out. so he says she got drunk end of story. so im talking with the charge nurse and im like this isnt cool. so he says lets call the super. so i call the supervisor. so i tell her the whole thing. she says well the kid may just be rebellious. i said well being locked out for 2 days and drag marks and overdosing. i feel like there isnt enough supervision at home and who knows what else is going on? the kid also stated she wasnt leaving with them either. so the super comes down and she goes to the pt and family. then she goes to the er md. she tries to talk to him and hes rude to her too! so she told him she didnt like his attitude. he said he spoke to me several times about this pt. i said thats not true. i spoke to him twice. and he kept cutting me off so he doenst even know. so she told the er md that i have my own assessment and license and were calling cps. so i do and they took the case. literally the same time my grandmother died steven. see? the universe came back at me. the super said she felt the case shouldve been called the last time with the van incident.
do you think i did the right thing?
ok im still hoping to get money. im thinking grandpa prob left us a nominal amt...
my mother said her sister the executor of the will said that grandma had wanted to take my mother out of the will but my aunt refused.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what are your thoughts on my not letting grandma see kate? guilt city? i did the wrong thing? i shouldve been the bigger/ better person? (not hard she was like 4ft 11.. and well you already heard about also no one in the family knows im preg.. so that may be a surprise to everyone... i was going to tell them when i was like 6 months. i have an ob appt this week too.
ps was my dads brothers story ... like a particulary sad story or am i overemotional? i cant imagine my dad trying to figure that all out at 19. hey he already worked at con ed for 2 years. i knew of the story i didnt know he had gotten the suit - brand new - and didnt get the underwear. so they went to men/ boys store army and navy across the street with my mom and my mom was like that was one of the worst days.. dont remind me. i guess it couldve been worse my dad couldve had to take off his own underwear and give it to them. my dad told me this is going to break the whole family up this whole estate thing. he said it did to my family. although his family was actually more messed up than my moms family. but..i dont know.
i think i want to invite them - my aunts since theyre in town.. they havent been to my house - all over in a few weeks. my mom stopped me from doing that last time with my brothers wedding i wanted to have a bbq but i feel like i was left out of alot of the partying. but im not going to ask her im going to see whens good for them and invite them and if they want to come they can and if not thats ok too. and if my parents dont come... well what can you do?
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.

About not allowing Grandma to see Kate?

You did have good reason to restrict this, did you not? I remember having this discussion with you a while back and the results were pretty much that she should not see her. Plus, what would the overall results be if she did see her? Not good.

Life is compromise and you have to weigh what would work for you; for Kate, and for all of your family. Yes, management by avoidance is never the best solution, but sometimes it is the only solution that can be used. With your family...well, let's just say that some of the people in it have issues that would make them a risk for a child emotionally. Your role is to protect, and you did so through avoidance. It worked.

Your father was in a serious bind with his brother. A suicide is horrible enough, and yes he did have tons of worry and anxiety and even guilt to deal with. The underwear story just shows how much he had to deal with at this age; none of it was easy. (Now, if you told me that your father took off his own underwear to give to the funeral with your dad's view of life, and as funny as he is...I could see it.) But reality: This was really tough for him and he took it in stride. He doesn't need more of this stress. It was hard on him, probably a lot more than he ever would admit.

Your father is right about the money. I think this will get ugly. There is a potential of a million dollars in assets that must be liquidated. Question is: Who is the executor/executrix? That will make all the difference. But money of any magnitude is trouble and this is big money; hence, more trouble.

You sure you want to have a BBQ? I mean that is really nice and all, but it does place you in an interesting position as this will show to others some degree of your organization, care giving and similar supportive behaviors. The family...well, they may just take mega advantage of you after that. (Liz can do it...look at how good she is...) Maybe think twice about this? But if you do, certainly you cannot control who comes.

I try not to be direct in a blunt way about advice, but when it comes to Kate and the viewing and funeral. I would just tell people what you are going to do and not depend on what they may or may not give to you for support. If you want her to be there: Take her. I am certain somebody will watch her. But the choice should be yours alone.

You absolutely did the right thing with the girl who came in dirty, drunk, scratched up and had a repeat history. You didn't narc; you are required to report, and this will protect her. Any one who didn't in the past is either lazy or uncaring or unprofessional or all three. Yes, I am sure something will come out of this that is not a positive potentially. I am sure someone will be frustrated by the report, but this girl's life hangs in the balance. I really do not see a choice here. You not only did the right thing you knew why, in detail. That shows me that you don;t have any reason to second guess yourself. This was the correct call. Steven

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hey steven. if i had known my grandmother was going to die in a few wees.. well i wouldve let her see kate. of course everything is wouldve couldve shouldve when hindsight is 20/20. i feel bad she never even saw her. my husband said yeah you feel guilty and shes an old lady - back when we first had kate - he said shed be nice to us for the 1st hr and by the end of 4 wed be roped back in and shed be manipulating me and insulting me again. i felt he was prob right - rob doesnt really say bad things about anyone and when he does it kind of shocks me cuz well its extremely rare. although i think maybe he sees things very black and white. although i think hes better as ive schooled him about more social norms (no you cant bring twinkies and pepsi to a party you moron.) grandma really liked rob ironically enough. and my brother and father. my mother and sisters always used to say if grandma had boys theyd be criminals and rapists b/c shes one of those old fashioned women who thinks boys are boys. so luckily she had girls which of course she had veyr high standards for. and let me tell you she didnt mind calling us whore steven. when i told her i wanted to go to nsg school she said to marry a dr? so i said no to be a nurse.
my mothers sister jeanne from oklahoma is the executor. she will be paid for handling this apparently. anyway theres only the 3 of them. so... splitting it 3 ways shouldnt be a problem. jeanne def is the peacemaker and is my godmother. shes the middle child and unfortunately has wasted her life in oklahoma with her stupid crazy husband. my grandparents wanted her to leave him but she didnt. they told her move back inot the house get a job in manhatten and thats it. she has 2 kids. anyway hes paranoid and thinks the government is after him and has all these 'illnesses' and cant work from like 35. he was an airline mechanic for american. they transferred him to oklahoma b/c they made that their central hub where all the planes go thru for maintenance and then he went looney toons. and she put sup with it. theyve been poor essentially as she didnt work, then she got menial jobs. now hes out on disability. anyway she doenst have anxiety its like she procrastinates. shes easy going and laid back and i dont know if ok did that to her? like it super slow there?
arlene my mothers other sister is always crying poverty. but her husband puts all their money in the bank and doenst let her buy anything. i think she will be a very surprised widow. i hope she buys a pink cadillac. her husband is not only an alcoholic, he beat my 2 cousins who were his step kids. my aunt was the one who got knocked up in 1959 with lorraine. anyway hes very controlling. hes eased up as hes almost 70 now.. but arlene is well under control. hes actually better than her 1st husband- he beat her mercilessly and threw her froma moving car while preg with the 2nd kid. my grandfather flipped and threw him out and she divorced him. right on the heels of that she started back up with her curent husband who was somebody she was dating high school or soemthing prior to getting involved with the 1st abusive husband. anyway then they had a 3rd kid who was so smart and so this and so that. hes a nice guy so i dotn complain. i get along with he r kids more than the other ones kids.
anyway i told my mom i would help clean up/ clean out and so would rob, we could drop kate off and help.. after i told them that i had the thought they would all think oh i was there to get stuff, but frankly i mean grandmas stuff is old. other than the jewelry and cash. and her dining room set. i don t need or wnat anything honestly. she has hummels. i have a few... but thats old peoples crap. and then everything is kind of like... old. she has a plastic covered couch steven. i just figured id help.
you wouldve called cps for that girl? i havent called in a long time - since i was at my old job and we had pediatrics on my floor. we had a woman with an infant who was 6 weeks old with a fever. she was drunk off her ass and i was more naive at the time and a newer nurse and i wanted to save the world. and i thought what if this b itch passed out and didnt take care of the baby? well we called and were turned down. they said well she knew enough to bring the baby in and it was sick. i was like ok... ive met some morons and low class people but turn a blind eye to an extent. you cant fix stupid.
as far as the bbq.. i hate to tell you this but ive taken care of people since im akid. my dad and grandfather were in the hosp alot when i was a kid.. and i took care of them at 16 17 18 - my dad luckily got better and my grandparents were sick/ old. i too care of my grandpa til he died and was with him when it happened. i just figured since theyr efrom far away it maybe a few years before i see them again maybe more. and id like them to come over. youre invited too. dont bring anything but yourselves!!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hey steven. called for a personal day and spoke to peter to take time off. so he says who died? so i said my grandmother. my mothers mother. so nhe says oh thats covered for bereavement time. so he says ill give you sun/ mon off. so i said oh no ill just take sun. then i got off the phone and was kind of kicking myself. i called him back and sais i think im going to take you up on your offer. so i got sun mon off. not bad. hey maybe peters not so bad after all.
my mother just called and yelled at me. cuz shes such a bitch.
she says to me do you want grandmas china? i had said that like 10 yrs ago. i didnt think shed remember it. s i said well im sure someone will want it since jeanne has the whole house earmarked.
so my mother starts screaming im not asking you who else may want it. it doenst matter who else wants it. so i said since when doenst it matter who else wants something.? so if arlene say sno ive always wanted that - her daughter shoudnt get her mothers china b/c i want it? since when? and i dont need to be screamed at really.
and micheal my cousin and his 2nd wife julie are staying there and i said well i dotn trust her in the house. i could see her stealing something of grandmas. and she says oh please. i was like ok whatever.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.
You cannot live in what if, and you cannot second guess your motivations after the fact. Well, not totally true. You can, but it is not a productive thing. And, remember: you had good reason to keep Kate away from Grandma.

Mom's sister, Jeanne, the executrix if the estate, sounds like she is in a lot of pain herself, and a part of that is not doing what she needs to do, or doing it very slowly. Either that or she is totally fried from her husband's antics and couldn't care less about what happens. That would be my vote. She sounds like she has caregiver stress and is at the end of her energy. It is survival for her I think.

Arlene sounds like she suffers with esteem issues as well. For her to tolerate this type of treatment and to repeat it shows some serious signs of enabling behavior. I wonder how these "kids" all ended up like this? (mom is the common factor... and you wonder why you didn't want Kate around her. Look at what happened when she was around these women. Look at them now.)

Don't apologize for offering to clean the house out. Of course people will think you want something out of it. But then, they are thinking the same thing about themselves. The trick is not to show that you know...just act like you feel. You do want to help. So go and do so, and don't feel odd about it. And, old people's stuff is just like them. Most of it isn't worth much, unless you are into 1970's plastic covered couches.

You can't fix stupid, true...but you can report child abuse and neglect. In NY it isn't up to you, a professional, to have a perfect report, just a suspicion. And, unless you have malice for making the report you are immune from reprisal. So, I see nothing wrong with reporting, validated or not. You still do the right thing by reporting it.

Well, nurse and family caregiver: Yes. I think it is very nice you invited everyone over for a BBQ. I just do not want to see you taken advantage of, which in your family seems to happen a lot. I just want you to be aware of the possibility of abuse. And, BTW, thanks for the invite. I should be along any minute now. Wouldn't that go over big. Hey, I am Liz's therapist. Who are you? lol

Peter is not so bad? Hmmm, well, you know: He has to give you bereavement time. It is a part of the leave package at work. He has to. And, I think 2-3 days is what most get for a grandmother. But, he could have simply made you work it off your vacation time. So, that was nice.

Ah yes... the start of the possession fights. I can see why some rich people sell all that they have and give the rest away before they die. It simplifies things. Now, mom is screaming about china. You know this is just about her loss of control and how she is handling the loss of her mother. And, the sleeping over cousin. I agree. That is not going to work out well. Even if they are innocent the behavior of staying over the house looks guilty as sin. This is not an easy thing, this funeral. Take time from caregiving and care for you. Steven.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hey steven. went to the 1st night.. so far. no fur has flown. kate came and every1 thought her cute and smart and funny and beautiful. i wasnt sure if my mom was pissed as at times she got a little loud. kate is fascinated with photos (family ones) and willl ask who that? who that? and i will explain the best i can. there was a frame that had photos in it and it was digital and just scrolling thru.. and it had some great photos. i saw my grandmother and well she looked smaller than i rememebered.. she looked tiny almost. i went up and stayed at the kneeler with rob while my dad watched kate and i cried.
it reminds me of missing the good times we did have... more of them when grandpa was around. my mom always said he kept grandma in line. she was nasty but he would tell her shut up or soemhow tempered being with her. once he died she was so difficult to be around. we did keep coming for like 3 years after he did hoping she would get better. but she didnt.
jeanne. apparently shes always been easy going or slower or a procrastinator. maybe b/c the other 2 sisters and grandma are in fast forward?
arlene is nice enough but she can get her head stuck on soemthing - like when grandpa died we had fruit baskets.. well grandma was just like take this fruit. so she broe them open and was like here here here. not that she was watching who got what or that it was divied up fairly. well arlene saw that her son brett didnt get fruit. well she got all mad and was throwing a whole fit that he didnt get fruit so i was like you can have my fruit and she was like no and she was yelling at lorraine who btw was undressed downstairs b/c she had spilled soemthing all over herself. so she was changing. and lorraine is very overweight. so shes like naked, arlene is screaming about fruit and im just standing there kind of too stunned to leave. so lorraine turns around and says (wait for it) i dotn give a f**k whast fruit brett has. im having a shitty day too and who gives a shit about fruit? buy a banana mom. i exited stage right b/c my brain started working again but i have to say... that was classic. like grandpa died. who cares about fruit? grandpa was not very affectionate although at the end he was more.. but he was good to us. just the calm thru the storm and never angry except when he was drunk and then he had a very dry sense of humor.
rob reminds me of grandpa. he was a foreman at the brooklyn navy yard. and he was very handy always working on the house. always fixing the car.
oh steven i didnt want you to come and say hey im lizs therapist. i was going to have you say hey im lizs boyfriend.. id love to see the looks on their faces..
if you said you were my therapist/ well people should start backing out of there.
so the breaking news is that my unmarried cousin patrick has a kid thats 18 months old.. jeanne didnt thinks it was his .. so she refused ot be involved until the results were back
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.

I am glad to see that Kate was at the funeral and that instead of the terrible outcome that everyone predicted, it was great.

Memories: It is hard to see and remember people when you recall their better days. You did though have some good memories of your grandmother. She was obviously very different when your grandfather was alive.

I have to say that I laughed my butt of at the Lorraine and Arlene fruit episode. That was classic. Really Really funny. And, I would bet Rob does remind you of some of the better men in your family. You can tell you have ties with him into your own past just by how you talk about him. (hard to explain easily).

Therapist role: It fashionable to have a therapist, more so than a boyfriend. And, I think I would tick a few people off with that last comment about my role, don't cha think?

Well, is Patrick the father? You never said.

I do have to let you know that it appears that the new policy is one question, one answer per thread. Steven

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
the kid is patricks. after a dna test. and i was a little like you know.. unbelieveable. first off my mother never involves me in whats going on with the family. and my mother says yeah grandma kknew. and i was jesus christ. i mean they dont work theyre having kids. theyre on welfare. not married. and i saw they have i phones. i dont even have an iphone. wtf is that? it really pisses me off. why the f**k do i work? to pay 50k to the fed? really? and 25k to the state? and 12k to the town ? for them to have an iphone? i felt like being like i know youre not getting food stamps and showing me pics on an iphone.
and of course the stupid kid is his. what are we in a jerry springer show?
anyway so i decided that since my mom is good at keeping me out of things i would deal with my aunts directly. so i told them that i was willign to help etc. and they were very appreciative.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i see we were posting at the same time. i fell asleep towards the end of my post. i hit send to save my work.
kate was difficult in teh sense she wnated to look at the pics and they were upfront where my mother didnt want her. she also was willing to go right up to the coffin which my mil and mother were like dont take her up prior to the event.
anyway.. so grandma was always a bitch def. but she used to temper it around him. or he would tell her to shut up or whatever. or maybe us being with him just somehow made it easier being there?
sure you could say youre my therapist. but i think it would amuse the women of my family if i had a boyfriend.
my aunt arlene said something very telling last night. she said i dont know how jeanne stays married to him (about her husband jerry.) she had her husband behind her, a foot maybe? and she said well then again im sure people say that about me married to him too. i just said very calmly everyone made the best choices they could at the time. of course just dont forget youre still making choices. arlene looked like she was trying to digest what i was saying... and then she said... (it def didnt seem like she fully got that i was trying to say they were both still choosing to be with their husband..) were not all as lucky as you to have such a wonderful husband. i said who him? and she said yeah hes so easy going. i said yeah he is..
luckily ray the military man was there... his wife wasnt.. oh well he said how you doing sweet darlin? i said good. knocked up. and he started to laugh. he said you are? i said ray i show. lol. turns out he retired. and hes enjoying himself. he said he liked flying but his main base was out of detroit and its a ballbuster to get back to orland o due to disney world even for him. so.. he retired. good for him. he worked hard for a long time.
hey ja. what happened to being able to ask follow up questions until were fully satisfied? i will be after fighting with ja tryingto get this account to be unlimited. i have one more trick to try. ill let you know.
well were going back to the funeral.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.

Ah yes...the unfairness of it all when it comes to paying taxes and doing it correctly; others just do not, and you and I pay for it, literally.

I saw this stuff so much when I worked in community mental health. It was awful. People who received free services due to "poverty" but drove luxury cars, leather coats and rolex watches.


Don't know why I laughed so much at the Jerry Springer comment, but I did. I can really picture it.

I guess amused wasn't the word I was thinking when it came to the boyfriend thing. It might not be so amusing. But then again, your sense of humor is twisted a bit. lol

Your comments about the not so good husband thing was very, very well said. I could not have said it better. You are good at that, yet you are correct, they either didn't hear your very clear meaning, or they chose to ignore it. I would guess #2. Still, you would have made a good therapist.

I am glad you saw Ray. He seems so sane in a pool of insanity.

You'll have to ask the moderator about the new policies about questions and threads. But, I can say tat we need to open a new thread for each question. I know that is a pain for you, but if I understand correctly that is what you should do. But if you are still having trouble, please talk with them. This thread will only allow one exchange I believe. Steven

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hi steven. we just got back. another long day. unfortunately it didnt go so well with my mother. first i got there and she was too busy to acknowledge us. i got there about 10 min late. kate was asleep so i had her in our stroller. the good one btw. so i put her to the side.. and im told shes in the way. by my dad. so im like ok ill put her over here but its on the other side of the room. so now i have to go there and cant be with who i want to be with. my aunt jeanne my dad lorraine. so i go on the other side. i go up to my mother and she says not hello but very tersely not to allow kate to go up front. not to let her go by the flowers or the picture frames which shes dying to go to. so i tell rob. hes like ok. well its so loud - the wake, that it wakes up my daughter. so i get her out and my dad says to me listen. do me a favor. keep her away from the front the flowers etc. so i look at him and im like yeah i got that. so that proves to me that one i was right my mother was pissed last night. and 2. my dad mustve gotten an earful. so i try to let it go. i try. so rob and i are under major stress to keep her quiet - which my daughter was told be quiet and shh so many times steven and other people were so loud its not funny. well next up is my cousin mikes wife julie - well heres the story with her.. mike was married to kellee. kellee is best friends with julie. julies married to tom. so the 2 couples are best friends. their kids are friends and they lives a couple doors away. well mike and julie start cheating on their spouses with each other. well both couples divorce. and the n wait for the kicker. kellee marries tom. so they essentially wife swapped. i havent seen kellee since this happened. but it sounded like kellee went off the deep end. b/c stuff was emailed and facebooked. like kellee saying to julie how could you do this to me? and all pitiful stuff i remember. anyway despite mike telling kellee dont come she came to the wake with their son but without the husband tom. so mike and julie left when kellee came. i talked with kellee and she was polite and i told her that i hope shes happy. she said she was. anyway, so the break comes and were to go to dinner. so my dads organizing it. but for some reason everyone cant just listen. which pisses him off. and he says so to my mom at dinner. anyway so he runs ahead b/c its about 25 people. ok. so he then also decides that hes going to book dinner for tomorrow after the funeral. so he picks the whole menu and books it. btw i hope my mom doresnt ever say my dad doesnt do shit b/c im going to remind her of this. so were walking to the restaurant a few blocks away. we get there and they have tables but theyre booths and a 5 person table. so essentially my husband and i and kate and lorraine and her friend from work are to sit at my table. other people fil up the booths. well my mother sits with my brother and his wife. and now were alone at the table. my mom starts saying loudly go sit at the booth. but theres no room. so im like the 3 of us cant fit there. one table has one person free and the other has 2 but i cant fit the stroller and kates hi chair there. so i tell her we cant fit there. so my moms lie well the restaurants nbot going to let you sit there without filling up the table. so im like ok. well leave. i dont know what other choice i have. im standing with no where to sit but this table. now 1 the restaurant people i didnt hear say that. and 2 she shouldnt have been so bossy telling everyone where to go and what to do when shes retarded. so i admit im decisive and maybe i said it louder than i meant but i was already on edge.. (btw i spoke with both my aunts who admit theyve noticed that my mom excludes me. so i told them heres our numbers call us if anything well help you etc. and they both say they dont know why my mom does what she does. i also told them i dont know anything she doesnt tell me anything) so my brother says like oh god liz just shut up. my mom says nothing and my dad tells my mother to come sit with us. so he starts to try to be like whats going on? so i tell him how she bossed lorraine away from us. so he says oh. and i got in that she treats me like shit. so now my mother says to my brother bye!!! qand has to coem sit with us. so she sits next to me. lucky me. so im not saying anything. so shes saying how kates so smart etc. and she says how no baby shes ever seen is so smart (dig at me nice and passive agressive about that im not right?) my dad then says hes pissed about how everyones making this harder than it needs to be. jeanne doesnt ever show up nor her kids so we were waiting and waiting. well finally arlene calls and turns out.. they went to white castle. and then my dad was super pissed.
then im told by my mom all of a sudden were going in the limo. im kinda like ok.. why? b/c we got the limo so you can go. well it turns out they only had after all these certain old people and out o ftown family who dotn have cars.. so it turns out stephen is taking his mother in law. swo they turned down the limo. so essentially all of them would be going in the limo without us (my brother and i are equally related to her correct? so why him and not us?) so i was trying to back out of this.. like i dont want to go.. so she says as im like trying to question whats going on and she says rob ill just tell you everything. and i said nothing. we get our food finally and my hamburger is raw. like cold in the middle. so i tell them under no uncertain circumstance. im not eating it. so i have to send it back. now steven i am not the sender backer. but im preg and cant take a chance ill e coli poisening. so my mother seems pissed. and they never brought kates food. who has been begging me for 45 min im hungry and ive reassured her were eating its coming mommy ordered etc. so now to me its like we didnt eat and i have all this aggravation. so we finally get food. we go back and i tell jeanne like my mother hates me. she says no shes doenst. i said she does and im trying to explain the whole thing but we keep getting interrupted. she tells me well your moms always on edge. and i said to her yeah. not b/c her mom died. b/c shes always has us on eggshells. she told me i should try to talk to her. i told her she denies says i manipulate things that i take everything the wrong way. that didnt happen. so theres no point. we dont talk about it anymore.
we take jeanne her ids and ray back to the hotel. my bro takes arlene and billy back. rob and i drive back and kates snoozing. i get home and steven i feel so upset. i start to cry and ask rob and i dont know why i ask b/c nothing has changed. but i ask him why she hates me so much. he says she doesnt but steven she does. i see her talking with stephens wife allison all the time. she gives her magazines and talks about housewives of beverly hills. i dotn watch that crap.
but essentially its like she wnats to sit with them at dinner. she wants them in the limo. i just dont get it. i take her f**king insults. i keep my mouth shut to so many things. ive tried to be the mature adult but today well i couldnt take it anymore. i told jeanne like i tell people what to do. everyday. im bossy and decisive and when im standing there getting yelled at in a restaurant im not accepting it. im leaving. the restaurant never said we couldnt stay there just the 3 of us. alot of times they sit you at a bigger table b/c they dont have an appropriate size table. or you have strollers and crap that takes up room.
anyway jeanne understood that i usually am telling pts what to do etc and understood that i wouldnt just stand there. i mean honestly i felt like i shouldve just left. im mad at me for gettin g louder than i wanted to. i wouldnt say im yelling but it wasnt normal talking either.
i am so upset steven. i feel like not even going tomorrow. i know i cant do that. but i just felt so rejected all of a sudden. and so hurt. and even though this is has been an ongoing thing.
well i have to go to bed. its almost 1 and we have to drive in rush hour to be there in the am.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.

Your mom is too broken emotionally to rely on for your self value. I know that you do not do that directly, but as long as she is alive it is natural for you to seek approval and recognition from her. She is, after all, your mother.

Yet, she is angry and hurt and for whatever reason has decided to take this out on you as rejection and criticism and emotional pain. I am sorry she does this to you. This cannot feel anything but very painful.

Know that this is not you. She is not okay and is relating to you much as she feels herself. Others, it is easy for her to accept and be nicer too as they do not represent her own issues. You however, do. And, because that is so she can really dish out the rejection.

Do what you need to do and try not to plug into her in any way. She is damaged and not able to act in a way that is normal. Because of this she is unable to give you what you need. Her actions about Kate, and you, and the whole family are just symptomatic of her own unresolved issues. Until those are dealt with, and they may never be, she will be unable to act as she should.

All of this behavior is not about you. And, after this is over it may be time to set the record straight with her. But now is not that time. Take care of you and the family first. Ignore her behaviors as they are nothing but evidence of her own brokenness. And, do not take this on yourself, even though that is so easy to do. Today, just get through...and do not use mom as a mirror of anything truthful about you. She is wrong and you are now the person she is putting her own issues on.

We must start a new thread. Can you close this one out? Steven

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hi steven. now this account wont let me 'accept' anymore answers. sigh. i am frustrated with ja. im going to start a new account and hopefully it will be ok.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
wow. you are wordy today!! lol. i know you miss me and my butter knife sharp wit.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
was it wrong for me to ask if anyone has a copy of 50 shades of gray at the funeral? i told them i was on chapter 3...
my aunt arlene who works in the town library says over 300 people are on the waiting list. i told her ahh now i know why you learned the dewey decimal system.... so you can get porn.
she was dying laughing..
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.
I guess I limited in my knowledge of certain things. I had to look up what this was...Yes. that is an odd thing to say at a funeral, but I have heard far worse. And, isn't it kind of a social commentary that 300 people want to read this stuff....Steven
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok new account up. new question posted stevie.
how could you not know what 50 shades of gray was?
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 5 years ago.
Stevie? Really?