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My husband had an affair on me back in febuary and rubbed it

Customer Question
in my face and after...
my husband had an affair on me back in febuary and rubbed it in my face and after promising to not see her again he ran to her that very next weekend , he called me to give me graphic details durinf the moment of....upon returning home he was begging for forgivenesss and regretfully sorry.... i have stayed in the household with him since but i cant seem to forget it or love him or look at him the same way, what should i do , we have a 10 and 7 yr old together Part of me wants to go and part of me isnt sure and is scared to go...
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 6 minutes by:
6/6/2012
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist replied 5 years ago
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified
Dr. Rossi :

Good Morning,

Dr. Rossi :

Did her propose a way to work on the marriage besides saying he's sorry?

Dr. Rossi :

Your reaction to him is relevant to what had transpired

Dr. Rossi :

There must be some sort of a change to address 1) what had led to his infidelity 2) how would it be addressed - how you would know that he's making the necessary changes 3) his words would match his behavior 4) your trust would be a process to go through

Customer:

I am the wife , maybe i dint fill out the page on the computer properly

Customer:

we were going through a rough patch

Dr. Rossi :

Did he let you know what caused him to be unfaithful i.e. opportunity, boredom, challenge, etc?

Dr. Rossi :

What do you mean- rought patch?

Customer:

because of alltumatums he was giving me the last few years

Dr. Rossi :

What do you believe led to it?

Dr. Rossi :

Ultimatums about what?

Customer:

in reference to my other children from previouse marriage

Dr. Rossi :

He blamed you about something to do with the children?

Customer:

and i told him i was feeling resentfull cause of him not allowing my son last year to come home when he was in a bad way and living in his car

Customer:

3 years ago he wasnt getting along wit hmy daughter who at the time was19 and he told me either him or her had to go he wasnt staying in the marriage the way it was

Dr. Rossi :

How are the two of you addressing this issues? Are they resolved or still causing tension?

Customer:

so we were in marriage thereapy at the time back in november and he took everything as a personal attack and then had the affair

Dr. Rossi :

In addition to saying he was sorry, did he own his behavior after the affair ended or did you feel he was just saying that?

Dr. Rossi :

Would the two of you return to the therapy w/ the same or another counselor?

Customer:

and during the first weekend liason i kept calling and crying and texting and begging him to come home but he never did he stayed his full intended time and when he came home i cried to him reallt bad and he was just very stoic and cold and throughout the week he got better and better and then said he would never see her again but that he wanted to work on the marriage and we were intimate again and that very day after being together he ran to her again and called me during the action of it telling me all the details

Dr. Rossi :

What do you want to happen - 1 ) to be able to forgive and continue living together, 2) to leave because you don't think you want to be with someone like him 3) to temporarily separate?

Dr. Rossi :

It seems that what he did was cruel. It is one thing to have an affair and another to taunt you with details

Dr. Rossi :

Do you believe that he's worthy of you and your love and life (living together)?

Customer:

he did own his behaveior, and said he would never again but however 13 years ago before we married durring the first 5 years living together he cheated multiple times and left me and also had me have multiple terminations back then that he says over and over that he is sorry for but now 13 years later this happens

Dr. Rossi :

How you approach this on your end would depend on what you believe he is capable as well as willing to do on his end

Customer:

no i dont think he is worthy of my love or the wife that i am that is why i am soooo tormented on wheather to stay or go

Dr. Rossi :

What is keeping you together now?

Dr. Rossi :

Is it fear?

Customer:

we have the two children and a beautiful house on alot of land and i dont work i've been a house mom the last 13 years so , i guess yes probably fear and the what if i regret it

Dr. Rossi :

Is he going to work on himself? Would you want to try marital therapy again or even individual counseling for yourself to be able to sort through your feelings?

Dr. Rossi :

There must be significanat changes in how things have been and a lot of work in order to be able to move on from this

Dr. Rossi :

Have the two of you discussed what the next steps would be?

Customer:

when we tried the therapy before the affair it just made it worse, and also my whole community knows what happened and it is so demoralizing, and i diont know why but most of our friends from before dont talk to us anymore and that also makes me angry....

Dr. Rossi :

The therapy "made it worse" because he was not cooperating or something else?

Dr. Rossi :

What about couple's coaching? There are options that you could have it at home through the internet/web cam?

Customer:

i dont know a little of both i think, the therapist said he wasnt cooperating

Customer:

how will i ever know if i leave that i wont regret it and that i'll be ok, half of me hates him and wants to leave

Dr. Rossi :

Many issues would come up in counseling and would need to be addressed; this may not necessarily be something that you can handle on your own.

Dr. Rossi :

You were asking how to forgive and you'd have to know that he would be honest hence forth in order to allow yourself to trust again

Customer:

i feel like he's always had a god like complex and is very big on himself , and he also is arrogant sometimes so when these personality traits appear i then retreat back to not wanting him and hating him

Dr. Rossi :

You would also be looking at your fears (breaking them apart to see if they're valid or mainly patterns you've believed) His behavior had affected your son and daughter and

Dr. Rossi :

you may find out how they were able to forgive him if they had

Customer:

dr rossi what should i do ?

Customer:

so what helps this flip flopping of feelings and hating him and half of me wanting to leave?

Dr. Rossi :

Let yourself think about what life would it mean for you to leave, to stay or temporarily split up

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist replied 5 years ago

Sorry, I had to get out of the chat mode as it was not working properly. It may be helpful to allow yourself to process everything that had transpired and to determine whether or not he is going to really change for the better.

You'd want to think about whether or not holding onto the marriage for the sake of the kids and property is going to be enough for you in the next 15+ years.

You are to determine what works for you and how you'd handle it should he remain the same.

It would mean facing your fears and being honest with the situation.
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified
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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
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