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DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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Im breaking up with my girlfriend because her she told me things about her past. Sh

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I'm breaking up with my girlfriend because her she told me things about her past. She has dated several different nationalities. Whenever I see any people of these nationalities or colour on the street it triggers this anger. I was in a 2 year relationship before with a girl who I loved dearly who told me about approaching a guy in a nightclub asking him if he wanted to use (and they did). I could never let that go. So at the beginning of the current relationship I warned her. If I couldn't deal with it then I don't see there any point in pursuing this one. I'm really reluctant to because I am so dependent on her because I don't have friends and because we have booked an expensive holiday in two months time. In the last relationship I was the same but I did what I felt was for the best. There shouldn't be anyother factors involved in this type of decision. I'm never going to be able to deal with this so I gotta do the right thing! Please help me,
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DrFee replied 5 years ago.

Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

This sounds like this is a very difficult and painful issue that you have. The problem, though, is that no matter what woman you date, she is going to have stories and issues from the past because she will have had a life before meeting you. So unless you address whatever issue underlies this problem for you, it is likely that you will have this problem over and over again.

The best way to address this issue would be to enter individual psychotherapy where you can really explore where the issue comes from. Keep in mind that anger and resentment are what we call "Secondary Emotions," meaning that there is generally a deeper, more vulnerable emotion that lies beneath these feelings, it is some kind of pain. You'll need to identify the specific nature of that pain and process through that in order to be able to let go of the anger and resentment that comes up when you learn about a girlfriend's history.

A really good website to look for a therapist is, where you can look at pictures and profiles of various therapists in your city. You can also try

I hope that this helps. I believe you can address this issue, but first you need to understand it more fully.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I understand that I might have a general problem with hearing about a girlfriend's past. However this would be a common problem for any man. She told me on Sunday it slipped out in a conversatiom that she has had a second black boyfriend. She thinks The first black boyfriend she had raped her, but wasn't sure?! Any woman that is sophisticated should know not to admit ever being with a black person. What reason would anyone have for bringing that up in a conversation with someone you think you want to be with the rest of your life?

It's not about my primary emotion deep within. I live Ireland and I judge girls who would be with black men in clubs because of what they're about and what they're after.
On one of the forums it had a topic that sums it up "One you go black, we don't want you back"
Expert:  DrFee replied 5 years ago.

I am not familiar with the culture in Ireland. Biracial couples are quite common in the United States, so your comments would generally be taken as offensive by many people.

So, given your strong viewpoint, it sounds like you have no choice but to break up with this woman. I don't see how you are going to move beyond it unless you were to change your core beliefs about white women and black men, which it sounds like you do not wish to do.

DrFee and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you