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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3707
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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My adult son (28) has been going through an existential

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Good Morning
My adult son (28) has been going through an existential crisis for abut three years. The details are too long, but he has used up all of the money he had saved in order to basically do nothing. This does stem from a generalized anxiety disorder and OCD for which he does take meds prescribed by a psychiatrist. He goes from friend to friend to live and just yesterday informed me he is moving rather far away to the place where be both had two years of stellar success and later, a complete meltdown. During the past two weeks, he had me convinced he was looking for an apartment not too far from where I live when in fact, he had this farther away option as his *1 choice all along. One issue is that he and I have always been close (not abnormally) and have shared what I thought was a really good relationship. He HATES his father to whom I am still married BTW and with good cause-too long of a story also. This does not really explain his pushing me out of his life, however. Why push away the one person you can count on?
I need to know how I live with the essential "death" of someone I knew who can sit in front of me and I no longer even recognize who he is. I am also grieving for the 'could have beens' since he is a highly intelligent and educated person. I cry a lot lately. I do see a psychiatrist/therapist ,but sometimes I need to talk at a certain moment. Add to that, significant health and marital problems for me making this even harder. I have a lot to accept anyway, but how can a person accept a total life change in someone you love who has little motivation, when before, the person excelled at and enjoyed many things.
Bot***** *****ne- when do you let go and how do you let go OR do you ever feel comfortable letting go when an adult child is impaired in certain ways. I am aware I can only control my own behavior. Thank you. I am sure you sense the angst. Kathryn
Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

Bill :

I am sorry what has happened in the relationship with your son and the associated personal and familial problems you have had to deal with in the course of this long saga where there has seemingly been no lasting sense of stability.

Bill :

"Letting go" is a very difficult process however, at some point in time, people who have endured what you write about have to address this in order maintain their own sense of sanity. It is, in a sense, a grieving process

Bill :

The work involves being able to recognize the boundaries that will keep emotionally stable and allow you to move on while communicating to your son how you have to preserve your own mental health.

Bill :

This is addressed in detail in the following link which many people who struggle with this issue have found helpful:

Bill :

At the above link you will also find additional information that you will find helpful in understanding how to "let go" and allow yourself to feel better.

Bill :

I also highly recommend the book :

Bill :

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie

Bill :

[IMAGE][SRC]http://books.google.com/books?id=zl731QRac2wC&printsec=frontcover&img=1&zoom=1&l=220[/SRC][ALT]The Language of Letting Go [Book][/ALT][WIDTH]100[/WIDTH][HEIGHT]100[/HEIGHT][STYLE][/STYLE][/IMAGE]

Bill :

Bill :

This book is the guide to letting go in relationships where you have done all in your power to help.

Bill :

This Author has written a number of related books which can be found here:

Bill :

Now I will let you respond with whatever you wish to share that perhaps I can help with????

Customer:

Thank you for the information. It is good to have new resources. It is very hard to actually do this, but there really is little choice other than that tiny bit of hope that remains somewhere inside that things might change. I guess i am not seeing that my son's behavior is actually telling me to let go in a way.

Bill :

Yours is a very normal feeling and it is hard to accept that the "dreams" you had for how it might have been in this relationship may not have panned out............yet!

Bill :

Sometimes- many people find that when the take a step back- in time- they will find growth. This is the essence of the messages that you will find in the resources above.

Bill :

By letting go, you change the whole system of the interaction of the relationship and not only will it be different for you - but also - your son. This is the only way you will find out what the future will hold.

Bill :

I also mentioned that this is a grief process and you will learn much from this Link ( also by Melody Beattie)

Bill :

This is a site that was inspired by her Book
"The Grief Club"

Bill :

You will find it helpful as it will connect you with others who have been dealing with the same issues.

Customer:

Your reply is quite moving. Thank you for mentioning the dream and the idea of hope for the future.

Bill :

I have seen this happen for people- when they let go- it changes the pattern and what ultimately happens......no one knows....I do know that there is no future in the past process.

Bill :

I think you will find Melody's sites and information very helpful in your process. Let me know how it goes as you can always follow up with me here.

Customer:

Thank you. I guess I click the green box now?

Bill :

Yes thank you and I appreciate your positive feedback

Bill :

Bill

Bill :

All the best!

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