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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3445
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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What to do with my girls? Chloe 20, Celine 15! i am divorced

Resolved Question:

what to do with my girls? Chloe 20, Celine 15! i am divorced for 10 years. their father got married and has 2 kids. I am with my partner and they are giving me a hell of a time! Why? What to do????
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

They are giving you a tough time because of your relationship?

Customer:

Yes

CoachJenK :

well oyu and I both know you are entitled to this and entitled to your happiness.

Customer:

My partner, is my first love. I met him again 23 years later. He's divorcing but it's taking time.

CoachJenK :

how are they giving you a tough time...explain a bit more

CoachJenK :

sounds beautiful

Customer:

well, since his divorce is taking time, their saying that he's a lier and that I should see hm. they are calling me names, mental freak and they took a position against me. they dont want to talk to me. they are saying that i should not see him! also, I just opened my furniture gallery 3 days ago and it was great success. A lot of people. My partner was there and I was happy!!!!

Customer:

shouldn't see him, i meant

CoachJenK :

It sounds to me like they believe they get a say here...and they really don't. If you trust him and know that he is honest then that is what matters and it is up to you to set the boundaries on what is acceptable for your kids around this.

CoachJenK :

It is nice that they care and are worried for you, but you are the parent

CoachJenK :

so you might sit down with them and let them get all their feelings out and then let them know that you heard them and take it all in, but this is your decision and you are the parent and now that you eard them you are no longer wanting to hear anything else and they are to respect that boundary.

CoachJenK :

If they continue to go down the road of name calling let them know there will be consequences loss of computer, phone, etc.

CoachJenK :

harder with the 20 year old but it can be done with the 15 year old.

CoachJenK :

turn and walk away fro them when they begin a tirade.

CoachJenK :

If you trust this man and love him then follow your heart and gut

CoachJenK :

while still supporting your childrens need to tell you how they feel but not in abusive ways

CoachJenK :

there might be some technical issues in the chat; I am still here.

Customer:

hi again

Customer:

i am sorry

CoachJenK :

no worries. I am here

Customer:

i was talking to my partner and i told hime what the girls said

Customer:

what to do?

CoachJenK :

did you read my response above?

Customer:

I don't know if it's my partner is the issue or the issue is deeper than ths!

Customer:

yes

CoachJenK :

the issue to me sounds like a lack of respect and boundaries around how your girls are allowed to speak to you.

CoachJenK :

so it sounds to me that following the above could be helpful

Customer:

yes you are right!

CoachJenK :

but you need to get comfortable with not allowing it

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

they can have their feelings, but they cannot articulate them in these terrible ways. give the the opportunity to express and then let them know the deal...you love him, you trust him and that is it.

CoachJenK :

they are the kids and you are the mom...period, end of story

Customer:

i really love him. He's the only man who accepts me the way he does!

Customer:

I don't want to leave him for them

CoachJenK :

I dont see why you would...why do you give them that power?

CoachJenK :

set the boundary!!!!

Customer:

i know it was my mistake. I felt for them when their father left! and i didn't realize till now!!!!

Customer:

How can i do that; set boudaries?

CoachJenK :

and that is okay....you are a great mom, BUT you are entitled to being happy

Customer:

I just told my daughter that i hear them and thank you for caring but i know what i am doing!

Customer:

Is this ok?

CoachJenK :

as I mentioned above..sit with them let them know this is their chance to talk to you about it...but set the rules for it...no name calling just expression of their feelings in loving ways.

CoachJenK :

acknowledge how they feel and then tell them you love him and you are with him and will be.

CoachJenK :

you will not tolerate the way they speak to you about it and if they continue their will be loss of privileges.

CoachJenK :

then you must stick with it.

CoachJenK :

they dont get to abuse you just because they are scared of losing you

CoachJenK :

reassure them of your love for them and that will never change

CoachJenK :

and they will not lose you

Customer:

They are angry! i feel the anger is not because of me! It's deeper! something from a long time ago and now they are expressing! is that to do with their father?

CoachJenK :

that is the underlying fear and worry

CoachJenK :

yes they are angry he left and i think they are scared that they will lose you too

CoachJenK :

reassurance can go a long way and they are entitled to have their feelings but they are not entitled to speak to you in the ways they have

Customer:

I have told them so many times that they will always be a part of me and i will never have kids and replace them

CoachJenK :

yes and their wounds are deep

CoachJenK :

keep being loving...by setting those boundaries it does not mean you arent being loving but you are not allowing yourself to be a doormat

Customer:

ok! i will try but it's going to be hard!

CoachJenK :

of course it will be hard because it is new for oyu and you think you are doing something wrong but you arent...you are also teaching them that it is okay to have their feelings, but they can be expressed in appropriate ways

CoachJenK :

this is a great life lesson for them in the world as they continue to mature

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime for more support.

CoachJenK :

all you have to do is request me

Customer:

how can i do that? this is my first time

CoachJenK :

after we are done...if you are satisfied you will click accept.

CoachJenK :

then if you need me again you beign a new question and at the beginning put for CoachJenK only and it will come to me

CoachJenK :

when you click accept today that is how I get credited for my work with you

CoachJenK :

I am here to help you whenever you need

CoachJenK :

are you still with me?

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