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Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3707
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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My wife suddenly told me she is depressed and not happy, just

Customer Question

My wife suddenly told me she is depressed and not happy, just comfortable, two days ago (I'm assuming at this point she means she's not happy with us/our marriage, but she could also mean with life as a whole). I am totally shocked by this because as of a few days ago, everything seemed fine.

If I may detail my situation further, I am currently deployed overseas. We are both in the military, so we both are very aware of what each does/goes through on a daily basis. My wife and I have been together for almost 8 years, and almost 7 of those married. I'm 34, she is 30. We have two sons (my stepson is 8, and my youngest just turned 6). We rarely ever argue. To me, we've always had a very loving, caring and wonderful relationship, not only between ourselves, but with our children. We have, in my mind, a strong physical and emotional relationship.

Since I left home 7 months ago, we have communicated on a daily basis either via facebook, skype, or phone calls. We have always kept each other in the loop on what's been going on here and there. Two days ago, I noticed that she was being somewhat distant with how she was responding to me, so I asked her if something was wrong. She said yes, and with that she pretty much blurted several things out at me, all at once. First, she said she's not happy, but just comfortable. (I didn't really interrupt her, I just let her talk and I listened as best I could). She said she's been depressed, and started going to a mental health professional since back in January (this was the first I knew anything about that). She also said that she's been holding things in and not telling me about them because she feels that she can't talk to me, that she doesn't like the way I react. The story behind this is that I have a temper and can be quick to be irritated....the very few times we have argued, my temper would flare and I would raise my voice and become emotional/irritated. Almost every argument we have ever had was over our son/my stepson, because I would discipline him (sometimes a bit harshly, ie: spankings, raising my voice at him) when he would get in trouble and she did not like the way I would sometime discipline our son. I love my stepson very much, and he's a really good kid. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and up until then I thought he was a little lazy as far as not paying attention or constantly forgetting things he was corrected/disciplined on. And I honestly feel that I discipline my younger son the same way, just not as often as he does not get into trouble as much.

Anyways, my wife has told me she's never been around a man with a temper before (both her dad and stepdad are very, very mild-mannered and laid-back men), and she doesn't know how to deal with. In her words, "I dont like talking to you about things and it maybe because of how you react again I've never been around anyone who is like that and I really think its pushed me away in a bad way...and if I cant get around it thats going to causes us a lot more problems." She finished by saying she doesn't know if we're going to make it, but she wants to fight for us, wants to fight for me, and she wants me to fight for her, for us and the kids. And no matter what happens, she wants us to be there for the kids.

This has all caught me by surprise, because I didn't see any of this coming. As of a few days ago, I was still getting the "I love you and miss you very much, can't wait for you to come home" responses that I've been getting since I've been gone. She had even been recently told me, like she has many times in the past, that she bragged to her coworkers and friends how awesome of a husband and dad that I am. We also had been very recently discussing intimate and sexual topics between the two of us, and trips/family activities we should do when I get back home, as we have normally done.

My questions are, what I am missing here? What could have caused the sudden change in behavior and attitude about our relationship? It's like she had some life-altering revelation about herself. I am terribly worried about my wife, our family and marriage. I know I posted a lot of information, but I feel the more I can put out there, the better the opinions I will receive.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 5 years ago.

Doctor Rao : Going through the question. will answer soon

Okay, thank you for your time.


Are you still there?

Expert:  Bill replied 5 years ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am sorry to hear about what has happened in your marriage.

I have worked with couples for over 30 years and in reading what you have written, I will provide the following observations and suggestions:
-In does not surprise me that your wife is depressed- this is not abnormal in situations such as you describe.
She is also confused, as are you about what your marriage is all about inasmuch as you have been separated- finding a comfortable distance while at the same time maintaining a rather indirect relationship via online technology.

I haven't seen you or your wife so I cannot comment on the extent of the disturbance my I can suggest that to figure this out and where you are now (in a relationship sense) and where you want to go is going to require that you agree to have some Professional counseling with focus on clarifying the status of your relationship, the direction in which each of you want to proceed/.

This can only be accomplished with a trained independent third party who specializes in Marital and relationship counseling.

You can locate a qualified therapist at the following link to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website - Directory.

I am attaching the link:

I trust that having an Trained Therapist will help you and your wife clarify issues and provide some help with direction for each of you.

Best Regards, Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3707
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 5 years ago.
I answered the question But it appears you haven't received my answer.
I can see that another Expert answered the question(possibly thinking I Haven't answered).
I hope you find his answer helpful.
If you need any further information please do not hesitate to contact.
Thank you