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MasterYourLife, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counseler since 1998: Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Spirituality, Law of Attraction.
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I'm really upet cause i just typed my answer and the page

Customer Question

Hello. I'm really upet cause i just typed my answer and the page dosent seem to have sent it so I'll try to shorten it here. Basically I need to know if it seems like I have false memories or some kind of dillusion or something.
I've had a memory gap most of my life, I couldn't remeber anything from ages 5 to about 15. Long story short i wanted to try to fill in the blanks, so i tried praying and stuff. First I got very depressed, then i started hearing voices that told me to kill people. After a week or two multiple voices turned into one voice and told me I was God and I needed to judge the earth. For a while my thoughts and actions were out of my control and I started building weapons, and I would have vivid images of violence and sexual crimes. After a while (maybe 1-3 months) I regained enough control to go to a pyciatric emergency room where I was committed for a few days. They refered me to another clinic and, apon evalution, they recommended day treatment 5-7 days a week. I couldnt afford this so I continued on by myself. I rejected the voices and realized the problem had something to do with my lost childhood memories so i put my focus there. I tried to use meditation, but it was effective enough. All that happened is I heard a voice saying "you dont understand" over and over again. This went on for the better part of a year. I learned self hypnosis to increase my focus by disassociating from my surroundings. I started having memories of a man that would come into my room at night when i was a child. He would take me places and horrifically torture and kill people. Though these memories were vivid they didnt seem real to me, they were like imaginations, so I continued to dig deeper. Eventually I realized I was not at peace with myself and focused there. When I acheived peace is when everything changed. I now have memories of having two friends when i was young who were killed in gang related incidents, one of whom was shot right next to me. Once I regained these memories the voices and visions stopped and they actually feel like they're real memories; plus when I had first started I only had memories relating to this type of "second life" i was leading that I had been hiding, but when I got these memories I also started remembering normal things like stuff i did at home and at school. The problem is... now that I have these memories of my friends I'm in intense pain all the time that never seems to let up. It just hurts more and more each day. That was almost an entire year ago today and I still cant get over the memories of losing my friends. I've starting looking for records concering there deaths, but I feel like its hopeless without the help of a professional (at a standard rate of $1900).
My real problem is that I cant tell if these memories are real or not. Because of my past history of visions and halluciantion I cant trust my own mind. Does this seem real, or does it seem I cant seperate what is true from whats imaginary? I could really use some help with this.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I’m a moderator for this topic and I wonder whether you’re still waiting for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will do my best to find a Professional to assist you right away. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you. Thank you!

Expert:  MasterYourLife replied 5 years ago.


It sounds like you have done an extraordinary job attempting to deal with your memory and other problems on your own. I have worked in this area for 15 years now and memory gaps associated with visions and hallucinations are common. I am wondering where you live that mental health services cost $1900? In most communities there are mental health clinics that offer services on a sliding scale. If you let me know where you live I can research services available in your area; it is most important that you get mental health services. Medication can help alleviate many of the symptoms you are experiencing.

In the mean time here is a site with relivable information:

Also, I highly recommend you watch the movie: "A Beautiful Mind".

For now, assume your memories of your friends are real and allow yourself to grieve, you may feel very sad, angry, confused - sometimes even all at once. Notice what you feel and take extra good care of yourself as you allow this healing process. Find ways to honor your friends' memories, volunteer someplace or even just plant a tree for them. Whether these memories are real or not, they are causing you pain right now, so treat them as real for now to allow the healing process.

It is most important to get an accurate diagnosis from a qualified professional; from there you may recieve medication and counseling that can make a tremendous difference. There are many resources available for people who have the struggles you are dealing with. I will be happy to assist you with finding these resources if you like.

Finally, to help you discern what is real from what is imaginary, seek outside confirmation. Do what you are doing regarding researching those friends as well as; enlist a couple of closest family and friends, let them know your mind sometimes plays tricks on you and you need them to help you "reality test" sometimes (see the movie "A Beautiful Mind").

I hope this is helpful.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sorry if the first message was confusing. The $1900 is for an expert to help trace down my old friends. When i said i couldnt afford it i didnt mean the money but rather the time. If i went as i was originally recommended i would lose my life, and if my employer found out i dont think they'd hire me back because of the stigma. I had actually sought some outside confirmation from my old friends in school. They said i acted reeeeeeeally shady and would randomly disaapear for days at a time. Truthfully im dying to find out these memories are false, i dont want to have to live with this. Thank you for your compliment, i like to think I'm doing a good job. Anyway I've taken up enough of your time. If you could help me find a doctor that dosent primarily use medications in the queens/ ny area I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.
Expert:  MasterYourLife replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for getting back to me. Here are three psychiatric resources; the latter two are not in Queens but hopefully close enough. The first is a local mental health clinic - the second definitely will not focus on medication treatment - the third, I am not sure. Also listed are 3 psychiatrists that seem to be near you. I do not know if their focus is medication.

John Kane

*****br/>Glen Oaks, NY 11004
Neighborhood: Glen Oaks(###) ###-####br/>

Levy Judd

*****br/>Hollis, NY 11423
Neighborhood: Hollis(###) ###-####/p>

Mark Finger

*****br/>Forest Hills, NY 11375
Neighborhood: Forest Hills(###) ###-####/p>

I hope these resources are helpful. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.