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Dr-A-Greene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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My husband can't seem to through normal sex or oral anymore

Customer Question

My husband can't seem to climax through normal sex or oral anymore and wants me to perform deviant sex to make him climax. He always wants more than I'm prepared to give and I get upset which seems to arouse him more. He's angry at me, I'm upset with him. Is there a way to stop him behaving like this?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 5 years ago.
Hello, I am sorry to hear of these sexual difficulties in your marriage. As we get a bit older, a satisfying sex life with our partner can no longer be solely dependent on hormones, but must come from emotional intimacy. Your husband is justified in wanting more, but he is sadly wanting what will not really work, as it is creating emotional distance, not intimacy. I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 20 years and have worked successfully with many couples in your situation. I recommend that you and your husband find a Marriage and Family Therapist to help you work on this issue and any others in your relationship so that you may become more emotionally and sexually intimate. You may go to or to search for MFTs where you live. I has been my pleasure to answer your question. Chat back if you need anything further. I wish you and your husband an intimate and fulfilling marriage, take care, Eleanor
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Can you describe the situation a bit more? (i.e. what is "deviant" in your definition) Also, how long have you been together and when did the difficulty start?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We've been together 19years, married for 9. Difficulty started maybe a year ago, not sure for definite. He wants to force me to give him oral and wants to act out rape and also anal. I get upset for real and ask him to stop but he says he can't stop himself doing it.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Okay - so you've known him for a long time and this is new. I was trying to get a sense of that. So a few more questions:

Do you know anything about his fantasy life (masturbation/pornography)? Is this something he has long fantasized about or is it new to him too?

Also, has anything changed for him medically in the past year or so?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He watches a lot of porn, especially anal and masturbates at least once a day I'm sure but says this doesn't give him relief. He was made unemployed a couple of years ago and subsequently became depressed, he takes citalopram.
He's always been highly sexed and interested in anal but he's become obsessed and really horrible about it, like he's angry with me.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Alright. Thank you for your openness. I was basically trying to get an idea if his sexual tastes have changed suddenly (if so, I generally think it may be a medical issue). However, from what you're telling me, he's had some fantasies about this for a while. Also, I'm assuming that you've made your preferences known (that you don't want to) as you've been in a long-term relationship.

My guess is that the citalopram may have decreased his ability to maintain an erection or to achieve climax. This happens a lot with antidepressants, so it isn't surprising. His testosterone may also be decreasing a bit with age. Either way, he is looking to his fantasies to help him through. Unfortunately, you don't share the same ideas.

Have you ever talked about your fantasies with him or tried to engage him in sex play that you're more engaged in? Also, maybe suggesting that he talk to his doctor about the medication may help...

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He thinks his difficulty achieving climax is due to the citalopram but won't speak to his doctor about it as he thinks all anti-depressants will have the same effect and so he can't be helped. He's always had sexual fantasies but he's never forced it as much, he gets angry when I don't want to take part, he'd happily do it whether I'm into it or not.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.
Well, I can say straight-out that not all anti-depressants have the same side effects. Each person reacts differently to the medication and while some might cause adverse effects, another will not. Thus, I think he may be mistaken there. However, the main issue that I'm hearing right now is that you may be feeling coerced or worse. Do you feel safe? Is his anger an issue?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
His anger can be frightening but I don't actually feel scared of him. It's the way he treats me and doesn't seem to care how I'm feeling that hurts the most.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.
I can imagine. I'm very sorry that you're feeling so stressed and upset. Having sex should be about connection, not being made uncomfortable or uncared for. While I can't comment on his state of mind completely, my guess is that his masculinity may be feeling a little threatened right now. Much of how a man defines himself is through sexuality. If that starts failing they can go to great lengths to feel whole again. Sadly, this is getting in the way in your relationship, rather than helping. Are there other outlets for him to vent his anger that could be suggested? How does he respond to feelings of concern from you (e.g. "Honey, I'm concerned about your health" etc)?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
If I said I was concerned he'd probably say it'd be fine if I did what he wanted. He says he feels better after climax but I can't keep doing these things and being upset and I'm sure I'm just encouraging his behaviour.
Do you think he can overcome this? I can't continue like this much longer.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.
Oh I think there's definitely hope. However, that hope hinges on his willingness to get some assistance. I believe that you've done more than you're comfortable doing and shouldn't be expected to continue. No one should go further than they want to in the bedroom - the experience should be about love, trust, and intimacy - not just about him achieving climax. I'd say that the first order of business should be for him to go to his doctor and talk about the recent issues. There are a lot of things that can be done (change of medication, measuring of blood/hormone levels, etc). Second, it might be good to have a talk about what both of you want from your sexual relationship (ideally). If he continues to fantasize about rape/anal and masturbate to it, that's all that he's going to desire. His fantasies should align (to a reasonable extent) with what you're willing to do and vice versa. The best option would be to come up with a fantasy that both of you can share.
Dr-A-Greene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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