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Kate --- I don't know why I watch those shows. It's like I

Customer Question
can't get enough of them...
Kate --- I don't know why I watch those shows. It's like I can't get enough of them. But this disturbed me a bit - seeing the X-ray and her bloody handprint on a wall. It was a ketchup bottle. It was in like 1982. I feel bad that she died. On those shows, they always glorify defensive wounds on the dead women, saying how hard they fought back. I wonder what they would have said after my autopsy. No defensive wounds? It was rough sex gone awry? Well - maybe not. My arms and legs were almost black where they knelt on them. I don't know why it matters. I'm glad I didn't die. I want to go to heaven and I don't think I had "gotten" it yet.
The adderall doesn't really need to build up in my system, I take it from what dr m said. I just need to try the instant release for a few days, then the extended release for a few days, then both together. It apparently should be effective pretty much right awy. I just can't tell because I'm not at work, although I have spent the last 3 hours organizing cupboards and getting rid of stuff.
Bryce really liked the clothes. But he immediately put together the one shirt and tie that don't go together. Boys! I had to explain which things he can wear together. He said "nobody has ever done something like that for me without a reason and without wanting something in return.". How sad. I reminded him he needs them for interviews now that he is graduating. But they went out to dinner for their anniversary tonight and he decided they would "dress fancy." Jamie sent me a pic. And he already planned which clothes he will wear tomorrow for church. I'm so glad. He looked good! He's never even owned a tie. He deserves to have nice things.
Not sure what exactly you are suggesting as far as writing out what were my parents' beliefs vs mine. Do you mean about what happened or just in general. How do I know? It's been kind of a shocker to learn that all that stuff wasn't right. Who knows what else I have believed that's not true or healthy. The example you gave about the little girl skinning her knee was interesting. Sounded like my mom. But she would clean it up. Didn't believe stitches were ever necessary unless it was a head wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. But she would treat it. Just not with a whole lot of compassion. More annoyance it seemed. I remember one time I accidentally spilled a pot of boiling water down my chest. I was about 8 probably. She was irritated. I had blisters all over the front of me. She treated it, but while doing so, was scolding me for having done that. Then she still made me go out to a dinner they had planned and made me show her friend. I was mortified because she made me go in the bathroom and take off my shirt. The only times they seemed concerned were if I was injured in a basketball game and may not be able to play. I don't totally blame them. I was pretty accident-prone and I'm sure they were irritated.
If my parents were to see what I am doing - talking to you about what happened, going to a psychologist twice a week, going To a psychiatrist -- they would think I have totally lost it. It is just not what "we" do. They would think I am pathetic. Maybe I am, but I am hurting. I don't know what to say.
I feel like I'm going to lose it a bit here. Like have a fit. But I haven't. And p comes back tomorrow morning. I know if I want to let go, I need to do it now. But I can't force it to come earlier, and I just can't let go totally. I have had my teeth so clenched for the past few days that it is hurting and my jaw is popping. I need to let the pressure out, but it hasn't come out.
Oh well. I need to finish going through stuff. I am in purging mode. I feel like giving almost everything away. I don't need much.
Good night, Kate.
S
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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5/20/2012
Mental Health Professional: Camille-Mod,
 replied 5 years ago
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Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago
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Hi Shay,

I need to head out this morning for church but I will be back in a few hours. I just wanted to grab your question because it was on the queue.

See you in a bit,

Kate

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Have fun at church! I had to get up to feed the dogs, but am going back to bed for a while. I was up until after 2:00 because when I was about to get in bed , I decided that I had to go through my bedroom drawers and get rid of stuff. That took a while. So now I'm really tired and going back to sleep. Talk to you later.
S
Ps - dreamt of the girl with the ketchup bottle but in my dream I had done that to her. I tried to apologize but they said she was already dead.
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago

Shay,

It sounds like you watch these shows because they repeat the level of violence and fear you experienced when you were hurt. You probably identify with them, pick up similar details to your crime and use them to reinforce what you feel about what happened to you. It is also a way to relate to the trauma you experienced. Here are a group of people who have the unique understanding that you do of what happened to you. And you can feel sympathy for them, something you do not allow for yourself with what happened to you.

The danger comes in when you get stuck with the fascination of these shows. Because of the trauma, you are now exposed to a new level of fear and intensity. There is a possibility that in trying to address your symptoms, you fear going back to the level you were before, a sort of letting go of what happened to you. It has defined you for so long that letting go can be very difficult and frightening.

Once you do work through your trauma though, you will find it easier to let go of these shows and any other references to what happened to you.

It's hard to think about the fact that you could have died during the attack. But I can tell you that the authorities would not have seen what happened to you as consensual. You suffered a lot of trauma, tears and bruising, maybe more than you realized because you were in shock afterwards. But what is most upsetting is that you even have to picture the possibility at all. Psychologically coping with the fact that you could have died is just as traumatic as the bruises you had.

The dream you had is telling. It sounds like you might be angry at yourself for "letting" the attack happen. You say you are sorry because a side of you is sorry it happened, but it's too late. You may also want to mention this dream to Linda to see if she wants to do some work with it.

I'm glad to hear that Bryce liked his clothes! That was a kind thing for you to do for him. I doubt he'll ever forget it.

When I suggested you write out what your parent's beliefs are compared to yours/healthy ones, I meant it as a way to separate what was healthy and what was not. Like the example you gave of when you were little and got hurt, how your mother reacted. Using that, here is what I was thinking:

Parents- it's not ok to cry or be upset when you are hurt

You/healthy behavior- getting hurt physically is painful and crying about it is ok

Parents- it's not ok to ask for help when you need it

You/healthy behavior- it is perfectly fine to get help to work through difficult times.

Of course, you would add your own feelings and thoughts about it, but that is an example. It can help you separate the beliefs that come from your parents and the ones that are healthy.

Kate

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