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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5839
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
The more contact we can have, the better :)
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Kate,
I know, I really really don't want to leave at all, least of all the kids with D. I am just so confused about everything that different scenarios plague me daily, and I get all mixed up. Each scenario has it's pluses, and drawbacks, and I always seem to put D's feelings at the top. Today, in my head at the moment, I am living here with D, just doing my best to keep my distance. He is paying me a weekly amount towards the household bills, and he is buying his own food (that might get tricky), and getting his own meals (as you mentioned a few posts ago). I would like to have him do his own washing, but that's no big deal. He changes his bed himself already (4th time in a whole year last week!!!!!!) and sorta cleans his room.
I think you asked how I'd feel if he brought another woman into the home to live. Well I'd feel that would not be acceptable, and he would have to move out if he wanted to live with another woman- I'd be delighted that he'd found another woman, absolutely (I've been hoping for a long time!!!), but I don't think that would be fair. I'd not do so either. If we were to both live here there would need to be (maybe) legally bound house rules. I've already talked to the lawyer about what could happen to the house, he said it could be legally divided in terms of percentage ownership, and re-registered with land registry, then finances would be totally separate. I guess we would have to pay equally to maintenance and household bills etc, but that could all be sorted at mediation. And my parents, I don't know how they would feel about it, I know they want me to stay, and it should be my future, and that of the kids too, and i know they feel I should be entitled to more than 50% of the value, but I don't know if the courts will see it that way.
I was even thinking earlier, if we did have divided ownership as I have described above, when the kids have left home, and I want to leave the house, then we could get it valued for rental purposes, and he could pay me half the value of the recommended rental, so he gets to stay there, and I can rent somewhere else. I know I would be at a loss there, not be able to buy myself another property, maybe he'll meet someone who can help him buy me out. I don't want any of it to go this way, D and I sharing for the next 4 years, then him staying and me going, and really I can't deal with what is going to happen just yet, I need to get all the thoughts and feelings of the actual divorce sorted first, most of all his initial reaction, and the immediate fallout from it. He may be so hurt and upset by it all he will want to leave, that would be better for him I guess, come to terms with it away from me, with someone who he can talk to. I don't think he's talked to anybody about what's going on, he tells me I should speak to his friends about everything, yet I don't think he is himself. I think he's hoping it will just go away if he tries hard enough. Do you think I'm mean not giving him a chance, now that he's stopped drinking so much, hasn't been overtly abusive, is making an effort?
Another thought has just struck me.... if we both stay in the home, at least at the outset, and the divorce is going through, D is unlikely to maintain his lack of alcohol, and niceness, and there may be an incident which I can use against him (actually you've already said that a few posts ago, I'm just catching up!)
I know I can stand on my own, be independent. It's the fighting within to believe I have the right that is the thing that is so big and in the way. I talked with my parents this morning, told them frankly of where progress had been made, and of his manipulative skills. I told them that I have unbearable guilt and feelings of being bad, and they were emphatic (well dad was) that I shouldn't feel guilt and bad, that I should go for what I want, and they were supportive of everything I was trying to do. I told them about D's eavesdropping, and they were upset, said to use their home while they are away for the next 2 weeks, and that they will always give me privacy. I was unable to keep from crying the whole time, the first time they've seen me cry, and it wasn't so bad, they didn't show any reaction.
As I was re-hanging the washing from last night on the airer, I said to D that I had intended on leaving it on the line until today as I knew it wouldn't be dry in time. He said he didn't realise it was still damp, felt OK to him, and besides, it rained last night, it would have been wetter left on the line. I said that happens, but it dries again by the end of the day, or I deal with it. He said well I thought I was doing you a favor. I said I appreciate that, but next time could you fold the clothes once you get them in, or rehang them, as they get very creased when damp. He said he would have done that if I'd asked him. So I was bitching, exactly as I knew he would see it if I said anything.
D is out gigging this afternoon and evening, this evening at his local where he drinks so much. One of the pubites, who is a lower limb amputee, has been running with the Olympic Torch today, and will be running to the pub with it for a beer (after he has officially handed over to the next runner of course, but he gets to keep his torch) So D is hoping to be playing to the crowds down there. He wanted me to go, but I won't.
Back soon
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kate,
I've just been pulling up stinging nettles. For as long as I can remember, since living here or in the cottage next door, I have felt relief from stress by pulling up stinging nettles from the roots. I usually wear gloves, but often they are not 'man' enough against the stings, and when they are long and my arms bare, I am stung in abundance. There is something about being stung that I need, like. Sometimes I don't wear gloves, but I am not afraid to grab the stalks and pull. Today I wore gloves, not intending to sting myself deliberately, but my palms are zinging, my gloves thin. the patch I was clearing looks better, I have done something useful today that isn't my daily/weekly chores.
I have been thinking about my visit to the Domestic Abuse support group tomorrow morning. I have read their website a little more and see that they run the support group every Monday morning, and a 'craft' group on a Thursday morning where things are made to sell in aid of the group. Alternatively you can take your own craft to work on with 'like minded' people. I love to craft. That might be better for me than the support group bc I will feel I am doing something, not just sitting there anxiously trying to make myself say something. I'll find out tomorrow anyway.
But I am really scared, I remember going to Alanon, I made myself go, I went 6 times, just couldn't speak, and felt so bad to be crying the whole time. I keep picturing myself needing to hold someone's hand, Ziggy's, but I've not even met her. Sometimes I wonder why Dr H hadn't told me about this service. When I first saw my psychiatrist she suggested I access the pattern changing course run by this group, but I emailed them to tell them about myself and that I'd been referred to them, and I didn't hear back. I was struggling a lot then, and wasn't able to push myself to get what I needed. I wish I had, I might be somewhere different now.
I'm really looking forward to going to sleep tonight. I have to pick Poppy up in half an hour, then I will surely sleep. It has been very nice without D today, he has been gone for the whole pm, and I got grocery's this morning after seeing my parents. I went to check out fridge freezers too as our's is slowly dying. There's always something, and it'll be me who funds it.
I'll be back in a little while for last post

I am glad to hear that Dave is doing his share (finally!) towards the household bills. It has been on you to be responsible for so long, to carry the burdens for everyone. It is just sad that it has taken such strong action on your part to "scare" him into helping you (or himself because he is scared).

The fact that you would be relieved if Dave brought another woman in his life says a lot about how you feel regarding your marriage. Just the fact that you would find the idea appealing means that you want out and that you would be happy to have Dave out of your life and in someone else's. It might be interesting to explore the idea further. Making a list of benefits of Dave being in another relationship might help you see your feelings more clearly about him.

No, I do not think you are being mean at all with Dave. I actually feel that you could be even harder on him and it may not be enough. He has spent years hurting you and the kids, drinking and using drugs, putting you in harms way, and he forced you to support all of this. He also took advantage of your care and compassion for his own benefit. Changing just when you want out is a way to manipulate. And it is very typical of abusers and alcohol users to "change" as needed until they are free to resume their actions, usually after the person they are abusing accepts them back.

I am glad that you found support with your parents. You deserve their help and assistance with this whole situation. And if they can agree that what Dave is doing is wrong, then that adds validity to your feelings about leaving.

Exposing yourself to the stinging nettles is a way to punish yourself, feel pain and control the pain you are feeling. It is a substitute for cutting yourself. It's also a way to "feel" alive. It helps to control the anxiety you feel over your situation. The key here is to try to access those feelings another way. Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself now? What is going on inside that makes this way of expressing yourself appealing?

It's ok to feel afraid of trying a new thing, especially when it involves exposing your feelings in a group or even just with a therapist. You are facing the elephant in the room of your life, one that has been there forever. It not only means getting Dave out, but facing your co dependency (way of thinking) and it involves changing. You are reaching out for help and that makes you vulnerable. But keep in mind, it also makes you strong. This will be a good thing for you Rose. It will give you the support of people who have been where you are and that understand what you need.

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Kate,
you are a treasure. I am still worrying about tomorrow, nobody knows me, they don't know I am depressed, GAD and sometimes can't speak, that i need my rabbit (I'll have to leave him in my bag). I have such a poor vision of how I will cope, based on my Alanon experience, I am doing myself no favors. But I will go, and it WILL be a good thing for me, thank you for reassuring me. I have taken some sedation tonight bc I am so desperate for sleep, it was not a good night last night.
Goodnight Kate, have a pleasant evening


I think taking your rabbit along is a good idea. Everyone needs comfort and it can be your symbol of support.

Try not to think about your Al-non experience as the basis for this new experience. That was a while ago and a different Rose ago too. You are stronger and more determined now. Circumstances are quite different too. And you have a lot of support. I, for one, will be cheering you on!

Sleep well, Rose. You sound so tired. I hope your rest is a deep and peaceful one.


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you