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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate. I was going to try not to write you till you got back,

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Hey Kate. I was going to try not to write you till you got back, but here I am. I have Linda the thing I typed out that I ran past you last week, and also I wrote at the bottom I had something else to tell her, so I couldn't chicken out. I told her what I told you this weekend. She had made some comments through the letter, and I hate when she does that, because I have no idea what part she's reading. Then after I told her the other thing, she was just talking. I wish she hadn't. Then she was asking all sorts of questions about how it felt when it happened, whether it was I side or out, how I treated it, whether I could feel the scars now, etc. she said that she tore when she had one of her kids and she instantly went into shock, but she knew what it was and she had an epidural or whatever, so she couldn't feel the pain and they stitched it up. Obviously she tore the other way, but I imagine it's
similar. I told her I Was pretty sure I had a fever for a few days after, and wondered of that may be part of shock. She asked which hurt worse - that or the other. I told her when it happened I was kind of numb but it instantly made me nauseous. But healing-wise, that was worse, because at least the other cuts didn't touch anything. I told he taking a bath that night was a huge mistake, both because the pain and because the water was so bloody it was freaky. She was asking me what I did with all the bloody towels and stuff. all in all, with the questions she asked, she just got me worked up more, and then I left. She told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that this is the kind of thing that happens when something like that is done so roughly. She thought it probably happens a lot. That didn't make me feel any better. She just kept saying that she is looking forwar to when I can look at this stuff and talk about it and see it for what it is I feel so much more high strung now. And I was already feeling on edge
because of the other thing I told you. I feel pretty bad.
She said she really wants to talk about what I wrote, but we didn't have a chance, so we will talk about it when she gets back. I don't feel. Like talking about it anymore. I feel like we spent the whole session getting me worked up and now I'm just hanging. Oh well. I'm sure I can get it to go away.
I'm sorry, Kate. I'm sorry about everything. I've made a big mess.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 5 years ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

I am so sorry. It sounds like your session was very traumatizing. Going over the attack and searching for what felt less or more painful is forcing you to think through all the pain you suffered. Comparing what felt worse brings up all those feelings and just re traumatizes you all over again. It really doesn't matter which felt worse. And the pain of childbirth is a completely different circumstance than being forced against your will to have sex. One is a happy event you choose to endure for a good outcome, the other is a horrifying event you have no choice in and that you endure to survive.

What happened to you is not something that you will ever get used to talking about. Trauma is trauma, no matter how long it has been. You may learn to live with it and not have the symptoms you have now, but it will not look better or feel better just because you talk about it a lot. I can talk all day about the abuse I suffered as a child. But I will still feel bad about what happened. I just see it in a different light now and I don't have the same symptoms as I did. That is because it was a traumatizing event. There is nothing good about it and never will be except that I survived and now it's behind me and I have moved on.

I don't want to make it worse for you by questioning what Linda did. I'm sure she has her own reasons for talking with you the way she did. But your reaction to it says that it served to hurt you more than help you and I want to respond to that. You do not need more pain than what you have already been through.

It may help you to tell Linda how you feel. Let her know that talking about your trauma in that way only makes you feel worse. It is one thing to work it through and talk about it in that context, but going back and just comparing is hurtful.

Try to feel encouraged, Shay. Linda may not have responded in a way that helped, but the fact that you were able to share this part of what happened to you means that you are progressing. You are being open about what happened, which means you are starting to accept it. That is a huge step in recovery. And your trust is improving, which is also a great sign. When you felt hurt, you reached out for help always a sign of good emotional health. So in all of this, you are doing very well.

TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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