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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Is my story typical??
I am sorry to know about this issue. It is never easy to face a scenario like this.
This is not very uncommon, but that does not mean it is not painful, because it is.
what is your opinion on his one night stand?? Does it sound like someone who is remorseful(he did cry uncontrolably after he told me) or someone who has had more than 1?
Did he take the initiative to tell you about it?
Most people in his shoes do hide it considering it was not a real affair, which could become evident sooner or later. What woudl motivate him to confess his actions then?
he waited 3wks, ignored me for those 3 wks wouldnt come to bed when I did, then the night he told me our puppy was laying on him and he was petting it. I jokingly said I wish I could get some of that attention. He moved the puppy and I laid my head on his knee. I looked up and he had tears, I asked what was wrong he said all the stuff going on with his mom. Looked into his eyes and said what else. He didnt say anything. I said you are scaring me, you are making me feel like you had an affair, He said nothing! 3 times I asked and he finally said yes!!
If there was no apparent reason for him to tell you about it but remorse, it could be a positive point giving credibility to his story.
How is this not a real affair??? He had intercourse with another woman he let her give him a blow job!! But yet he says he was thinking of me, and knew he was married, yet doesnt know why he did it!!
How do you think of someone you supposedlly love, yet sleep with someone else?? Not feel any shame til the next day, the same day you are heading back home!!
His is totally responsible for what he did, no doubt about it. As painful as it is eh told you what happened and that's a step forward.
What is concerning the most here is what you said about he not trying as hard as you to work on your marriage now that this painful event has happened.
Have you been having significant marital issues before this event?
Yes and we have been intimate since he told me,but I am the one that initiates it, he has touched me one time since the affair on his own without me intitiating anything! I feel he is not attracted to me. When he doesnt touch me, he used to touch me all the time, he always made me feel attractive. Now I feel worthless, and am reminded daily that he wont touch me on hisw own but did some stranger
(I did not mean it was fine at all what he did, it is never fine, what I mean is that it was a one night stand and not a relationship he has been having with a lover).
Then your marital an sexual life were fine and fulfilling before this incident?
we had a few, and his drinking was getting really bad. He has finally been diagnosed with PTSD from his time at war, is finally trying to deal with his dads death from 2 yrs ago, and last yr we found out my youngest daughter was molested. These are not excuses for him though, I was going through it all to and didnt screw someone else!!!
Sexually we were pretty good considering our schedule, right before the affair I had injured my knee, we tried on night, and he accidently twisted the knee, we werent able to finish.
I see, then we could say that several serious life issues have been affecting both of you, but it is obvious the PTSD, plus the alcoholism have undermined his strength and ability to better cope, then it does make more sense why he allowed himself into this unacceptable behavior- he was drinking that night. These are core issues he needs to address. Has he been receiving treatment for his addiction and the PTSD?
he was admitted into the VA hospital for 10 days, he is on meds, but once he got out it took him a month before he would call and arrange things. He is still not drinking which I tell him I am proud of him. He promised me marriage counseling but still hasnt done that. He dropped this bomb on me, then said the guilt and not drinking was to hard, and was admitted into hospital. I was left to pick up all pieces alone. Now its about his issues and very little about the affair!
I cant deal with this alone. I didnt do this to our marriage he did, but yet Im doing it all. Trying to make things better, trying to fulfill his needs, and yet I GET NOTHING IN RETURN.
I see. This is obviously very challenging and painful for anybody in your shoes. I can see better why you feel this frustrated.
Im beyond frustrated Im angry hurt, and feel like Im dying iside. I lost a husband yrs ago to suicide, and I almost feel shallow saying this, but this affair seems to hurt worse!!
It is unfair for sure, but it is something you both can take care of giving your best with the right support. he is getting that right now, but apparently you haven't got any individual counseling support to cope with it, right?
no I havent.
It is very painful and frustrating but it seems both have faced so much to this point that you both deserve a second chance, and as long as both feel it is worthy and show consistency working on your relationship while taking care of life issues undermining it, with the right support, things would get better.
so is him not initiating anything sexually with me, besides when I initiate it normal after something like this?? He says he wants to prove how sorry he is, but I feel I havent seen anything to prove that!
He also says in time he wants to be able to kick back and have a few beers, but at this time he knows he cant!! That makes me nervous!
Please consider it, since you are feeling truly overwhelmed by so many issues and challenges, then professional and family support seem necessary. Nobody could cope alone with issues like this, we all need to vent, top process our feelings, to feel supported.
Absolutely how not! But now he needs to stick to his rehabilitation process. Even more considering all the other serious issues here, from PTSD to grieving and now this crisis.
ok well thank you for your time, and hopefully I can soon figure out how to forgive him, and maybe one day trust him again!
Absolutely, it is a process, does not help to push it, just be gentle , understanding and supportive towards yourself, and offer your best to him. Time would show how well you could work on healing and growing from this painful time. Time and concrete actions will show you how much he truly cares, loves you and is doing to make things work in your marriage regardless his problems and challenges.
Crisis like this do happen , and happen a lot, many times spouses have not significant issues and get serious mistakes like this one, but when things get tough, and even more when multiple issues push, people become more vulnerable hurting those they love and undermining their very well-being too. Then professional and family support are essential. It's hard but necessary and worthy too. Thank you for your trust.