Kate: I looked up the definitions. You are right. But the definitions of humiliation and embarrassment do fit.
I do see it is their fault. I am trying not to focus on what I did
. I know you were right and I try to keep reminding myself that I didn't have many choices and didn't have the information to make the choices. I just hate what the. Houses were. And I need to be convinced that complying and doing things to please tha
And saying and doing what I did was a better choice than the alternative. I sometimes feel like I was supposed to let him kill me.
I need to look at everything together, in context. Because when I see myself doing those thins, I feel like a whore. I don't like that I learned how to give oral sex to a guy and what makes them feel good from this twisted f***. I need to look at what else was going on. Seeing jut what I didales it seem like some twisted porn movie. Speaking of which, I don't know why, but I googled violent r*** videos yesterday. I don't know why I would want to do that, but I did. There were so many. But I couldn't pull any up. I just couldn't do it. But how messed up is that??
Linda has read me the shame/guilt section of a courage to heal. I'll try to get that workbook.
Reaching out to someone when I feel that way? Seems like asking someone to tell you what you want to hear. Like saying "I'm so ugly" so tht the other person says "no your not.". So do you mean to reach out to you and Linda? And maybe p. the problem is that I can win any argument with p, so that will defeat the purpose maybe.
This is all so complicated. I though I was so smart. But I can't figure out this stuff on my own. I need your and lubda's help, and that is difficult or me to admit.
So ... I got my hair cut. She was psyched to have total freedom. It's uh ... Very short and very spikey. I think I may look like a raging lesbian. But p says no. It will be fun, though. I used to dress outrageously on HS. Kind of had my own style. I've been so conservative for years. Now I'm feeling myself again. I am on a campaign to bring back wing tips and saddle oxfords and other things. I feel like I'm old enough not to care what others think in that regard (although they seem to be a hit). I just ordered some vintage pink, green, purple and blue wingtips. Awesome. :) o simply don't care anymore except to the extent it makes me feel good. That's a good thing, I think, that I'm back to at least part of myself that was there before.
Will it help if I try to become comfortable with the r word - like say it over and over and over to myself until I'm used to it and it's lost its effect? Or will that just be upsetting?
I went thisorning and picked some pretty bold color swatches to paint some walls in my soon-to-be office. Don't want boring white. I'm goon to organize some things around the house and, primarily, go through my shoes. There's no reason for me to have 27 pairs of tennis shoes. Some of the kids at church wear the same size shoe as me and some of my shoe have only been worn once o twice if at all. I'm going to do a serious purge and text those kids to see what they want. I've measured for where my tainted glass window will go and plan to start designing it. Didn't get much done last night, since I didn't get home from work until after 8. But I'm motivated today. And I want some distraction.
PS - how do I counter this - the humiliation I feel about what I did at the end, begging for anal sex and getting on my hands and knees and letting him do it (which, by the way, hurts terribly). And he never threatened anything. ??? Also, can I tell you something I haven't told anyone? Even Linda? I feel like I need to get it off my chest. When he did that, I think he tore something because I could feel it and i bled from there quite a bit, too. I've been so embarrassed to admit that.
Well, I will check back with you later. If I don't post this now, I will delete the above part, and would have gone through the difficulty of telling you without your ending up knowing it. Not that it matter. I'm just tire of keeping secrets (while at the same time brin mortified that you and Linda know them - I know - it doesn't make sense.