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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5821
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I looked up the definitions. You are right. But the

Resolved Question:

Kate: I looked up the definitions. You are right. But the definitions of humiliation and embarrassment do fit.
I do see it is their fault. I am trying not to focus on what I did. I know you were right and I try to keep reminding myself that I didn't have many choices and didn't have the information to make the choices. I just hate what the. Houses were. And I need to be convinced that complying and doing things to please tha
And saying and doing what I did was a better choice than the alternative. I sometimes feel like I was supposed to let him kill me.
I need to look at everything together, in context. Because when I see myself doing those thins, I feel like a whore. I don't like that I learned how to give oral sex to a guy and what makes them feel good from this twisted f***. I need to look at what else was going on. Seeing jut what I didales it seem like some twisted porn movie. Speaking of which, I don't know why, but I googled violent r*** videos yesterday. I don't know why I would want to do that, but I did. There were so many. But I couldn't pull any up. I just couldn't do it. But how messed up is that??
Linda has read me the shame/guilt section of a courage to heal. I'll try to get that workbook.
Reaching out to someone when I feel that way? Seems like asking someone to tell you what you want to hear. Like saying "I'm so ugly" so tht the other person says "no your not.". So do you mean to reach out to you and Linda? And maybe p. the problem is that I can win any argument with p, so that will defeat the purpose maybe.
This is all so complicated. I though I was so smart. But I can't figure out this stuff on my own. I need your and lubda's help, and that is difficult or me to admit.
So ... I got my hair cut. She was psyched to have total freedom. It's uh ... Very short and very spikey. I think I may look like a raging lesbian. But p says no. It will be fun, though. I used to dress outrageously on HS. Kind of had my own style. I've been so conservative for years. Now I'm feeling myself again. I am on a campaign to bring back wing tips and saddle oxfords and other things. I feel like I'm old enough not to care what others think in that regard (although they seem to be a hit). I just ordered some vintage pink, green, purple and blue wingtips. Awesome. :) o simply don't care anymore except to the extent it makes me feel good. That's a good thing, I think, that I'm back to at least part of myself that was there before.
Will it help if I try to become comfortable with the r word - like say it over and over and over to myself until I'm used to it and it's lost its effect? Or will that just be upsetting?
I went thisorning and picked some pretty bold color swatches to paint some walls in my soon-to-be office. Don't want boring white. I'm goon to organize some things around the house and, primarily, go through my shoes. There's no reason for me to have 27 pairs of tennis shoes. Some of the kids at church wear the same size shoe as me and some of my shoe have only been worn once o twice if at all. I'm going to do a serious purge and text those kids to see what they want. I've measured for where my tainted glass window will go and plan to start designing it. Didn't get much done last night, since I didn't get home from work until after 8. But I'm motivated today. And I want some distraction.
PS - how do I counter this - the humiliation I feel about what I did at the end, begging for anal sex and getting on my hands and knees and letting him do it (which, by the way, hurts terribly). And he never threatened anything. ??? Also, can I tell you something I haven't told anyone? Even Linda? I feel like I need to get it off my chest. When he did that, I think he tore something because I could feel it and i bled from there quite a bit, too. I've been so embarrassed to admit that.
Well, I will check back with you later. If I don't post this now, I will delete the above part, and would have gone through the difficulty of telling you without your ending up knowing it. Not that it matter. I'm just tire of keeping secrets (while at the same time brin mortified that you and Linda know them - I know - it doesn't make sense.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

It is normal to feel what you are feeling. Letting him kill you was an option, and with the pain you have experienced since then it may seem like it was a good option. Just by feeling that way, it tells you that the pain you feel is intense. It is a struggle to work through what you experienced. It's hard, overwhelming and there is little relief. Acknowledging those feelings are important. But at the time of the attack, you felt that death was not an option for you. You fought and won your life back. You did what you had to do to survive. And that was very smart. You didn't give in at all.

When you look at what you did, you may feel like a whore. But you are leaving out a very important part- what they did to you. You didn't see these guys, walk over to them and say hey, let's go over here so you can assault me and brutalize me. It'll be fun. But when you think only about your participation in the attack, that is what you are doing. There is a very important part of the situation, the coercion they put you under to make you do those things. This is not something you can simply say, "this was my responsibility and I need to acknowledge it as such". They were responsible for everything that happened there that day. Without their participation in this, it would not have happened.

Looking at (or at least considering looking at) violent videos is a way of confronting what happened to you. It's seeing it from the outside looking in. You relate to what is going on in the videos. It can desensitize you and it also can traumatize you. But their is one missing component to this- the women in the video most likely agreed to participate. That is the danger for you seeing them. You have not yet separated your lack of responsibility in the attack from the responsibility of the attackers.

Reaching out to me or Linda is a good idea. You said one key thing when you talked about reaching out- that you win every argument with P. That means that you most likely see reaching out for help as something you resist. Instead of accepting help and depending on others for support, you resist and argue you way out of it, which hinders you from getting what you need to feel better.

Saying the r word can help, but it's more about confronting what happened to you than just the word. What may help you with this is to look at what the word means to you. It holds a lot of power for you so there is intense emotions behind it. What do you think?

Thank you for trusting me with your secret. You are very brave to share it because I understand what it means to you. I do not think any differently about you than I did before in knowing what happened. If anything, I feel hurt hearing what you had to endure. The attacker did not have to say anything to you because you had already been threatened. You are intelligent, you only had to be told once the consequences of not complying. Why would you risk defying him and possible death if you did not comply? You were in survival mode and did what it took to get out of the situation.

I am sorry he hurt you so badly. It was another way he tried to take out his sickness on you and make you pay for it. How cruel and insane. I wish I could give you a hug right now and tell you how sorry I feel.

I encourage you to share what happened with Linda, when you feel ready to. I understand your embarrassment and shame over it. What you feel is natural. But you are also incredibly brave to face this, acknowledge your feelings and try to work through it. Linda will see it as I do, a horrible attack on a young woman for the sake of causing the most pain and destruction of another person.

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