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Hi there! I hope to be of some assistance to you here; are you both around the same age? And how long have you been dating?
im a couple months younger, we have been dating for 3 years.
And you said that he is 19, correct?
Ok... and one more question: Have you seen violent or agressive behavior on his part? Anger control issues or anything similar?
He has always been aggressive, not necessarily tpwards me he has never physically hurt me but he has a very short temper and gets violent. He hits objects instead of people. The only person he's ever hit was his father.
He has pretty bad anger control issues, sometimes i seem to be the only one to be able to calm him down
are you still there?
It is interesting to me that he would have this diagnosis as a result of cheating; the two don't generally go hand in hand. Controlling one's impulses, as in cheating on an exclusive relationship, is somewhat different than the I.E.D. diagnosis, but now that you are saying he does, in fact have anger issues, then this may very well be what the Dr. is focusing on. You see, sometimes when we are feeling bad inside, we look for any "thrill" or "high" to somehow "self-medicate" our feelings of unease or depression. He may have just used this as a way to get some of the "feel good" chemicals, dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, to naturally flow through his body to ease his discomfort. In cases like these, it has nothing to do with you or the relationship, but everything to do with him and his personal struggles. Does this make sense?
Yes, this makes total sense. He has also occasionally turned to drugs. it seems as though he is never satisfied or i guess can never be happy with himself without something else.. is this also a result?
Absolutely. When we have self-esteem issues, a history of emotional or physical abuse, etc... we are left with a gaping hole in our hearts. Depression is just anger turned inwards, and it sounds like he has had some issues growing up... quite possibly he is now getting to the point where it is all coming to a head and he will benefit from some talk-therapy as well as some meds to help stabilize his chemical make-up and keep him calm enough to focus on dealing with whatever lies under the surface.
Also, is it smart to stay with someone like this? I obviously love him if I have been with him for 3 years. Yes, i realize we are young but well, I can't control that. If I am one of the only people that can calm him down is it good for me to stay in his life? Is there a possibility of this happening again, even on medication?
He has never gotten along with his parents, specifically his mom. They can be way too harsh on him sometimes instead of trying to be reasonable or listen to what he has to say. I'm worried it'll get worse with time. I'm sorry for all the questions
This period of uncertainty has the potential to be life-changing for him, if he is willing to dig in his own dirt and face the pain he feels underneath, and learn to manage it and move forward, learning from it and then leaving it behind. You know best if you are fearful of your safety, feel frightened of his rages, or such... and love isn't supposed to be scary or hurt. (Don't worry about your questions--- I am here to help!!)
Sounds like you nailed it: when parents are overly-critical, the child's self-esteem is damaged and they feel as if they cannot do anything right. This creates anger, and subsequently depression... and he is going to have to release himself from the grasp of their negativity, redefine himself on his own terms, and decide who he wants to be.
Also, is it good that he decided himself to get help? It is possible that this situation (him cheating) snapped him nto the reality of it and this is truly why he is getting help?
I have never been fearful of my own saftey because for whatever reason he seems to be able to control it a little more around me. I have been hurt because of some of the things he says and does and the negative things he's said but he always feels horrible after. I'm not scared, more hurt over what he did looking for someone else for this "high" will the medication help him to not looks for a "high"? Should i be worried about cheating again?
also, what do you know about abilify? that is the medication he was prescribed
I always find it so very sad when people have to suffer from the mistakes of their parents. Yes--- getting help now, at this young age, is the key to living a happy and confident, healthy life. The depression and anger he has internalized as a result of his childhood is slowly creeping up on him, and some people spend their entire lives avoiding the pain, doing every possible thing to deny it and repress it; drugs, alcohol, sex addiction and other addictions--- where he is facing it now. It takes strength and courage, and will make him a better, happier person in the end. I can't ever say with certainty if someone will cheat again, etc... and the only person we can ever control is ourselves. But, just know that many early relationships end because people grow and change, and it wouldn't be wrong should you ever decide that his issues are just too complicated to manage. However, you may decide to stick it out and see what happens. The medication should help to stabilize him, but talk-therapy is going to be the part that will determine if he is willing to do the work to change how he responds to frustration and depression.
I am so sorry for the delay... I was having technical problems!!
its perfectly okay! thank you for all your help.
Do you know anything about abilify? I know it is a serious drug..
I hope this shed a little light on what he is facing; you are very kind to want to help him and learn more about what he is experiencing. We all have our issues, but some are just tougher than others. Abilify has had great results for many people; it will take some time for it to get into his system, so give it time.
it did. i just needed advice from someone who knew what they were talking about and not passed on where things get lost in translation. I will try to be as patient as possible. once again thank you so very much.
Let me know if I can ever be of any further assistance to you; you can access it at anytime in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen...
I am rooting for you both!! :-)
Thank you(: even if i press "accept" i can come back to the question?
Yep!! You can!! And if you ever have a different question, just put my name at the beginning of it, and it will get routed to me...
Perfect! thank you thank you thank you!
You are soooo very welcome!!! Take good care!! :-)