My sister has been in an abusive relationship for the past…

Hiya, firstly I would like to apologize for keeping you waiting for so long and to the other experts here for clicking the answer button rather than the request more information which closed the question for others.

Also I would like to say how unfortunate it is that your in the position your in, being forced to oversee the position your sister is in with virtually no ability to stop it.

Firstly you should try to understand how what we refer to as the 'cycle of abuse' works, this is just one theory on abusive relationships but its one I feel makes sense.

Firstly abusive relationships are usually about control, hence why so many abusers try to sabotage the relationships between the people they are abusing and the other people they are connected to... these are obstacles to complete control and stand in the way of what they want to achieve, this is not usually done intentionally but subconsciously it is a logical explanation for why it occurs.

The abusers in relationships often have felt a loss of control over their own life at some point, as in this case where the abuser was once homeless...something not many people would choose to experience and usually occurs when people lose control over other aspects of their life.

Abusers are often insecure, they can have fears of abandonment and one way to ensure they are not let alone is to control the person they dont want to lose...ironic that this often leads them to harm the ones they fear losing most.

The cycle looks a little like this,

A build up phase - This is where tension starts to build in a relationship

A Stand over phase - Where issues like verbal abuse or passive aggression may occur.

The explosion phase - Where the physical abuse would take place

The remorse phase - Where the abuser feels bad about their actions but will often try not to take ownership of what has occurred...ie you made me do it, you pushed me etc.

The Pursuit phase - Where by the abuser will often be apologetic, buy flowers or book arrange a restaurant meal to 'make it up' to them.

Honeymoon Phase - Where everything is wonderful and both parties are 'happy'

The issue with this cycle is that from the build up to the remorse phase can occur in a matter of minutes and the pursuit and honeymoon phase may last for days or weeks making the relationship feel 'most good' and the negative aspects feel insignificant.

Once someone has been abused once and accepted it, it becomes less and less significant each time it occurs making people more likely to put up with it, it can kind of start to feel normal.

The positive is that your sister realises this is a negative relationship and at times wants to break the cycle.

The negative is that she is currently stuck in the cycle and has been for some time.

In terms of what you can do to help would just be to provide support for her when she is suffering the abuse and use these times of 'weakness' to attempt to intervene and break the cycle.

If you can stand in as a support for example between the explosion and remorse phase you have a greater chance of her not returning to the relationship if they have not had time 'forgive and forget'.

Be aware though that pushing your sister to end the relationship could damage the relationship between yourselves and have an opposite effect to what you want.

You should ensure you sister is aware of services available such as abuse call lines and community services such as womens shelters so she can see a clear path out of the relationship when she is ready for that.

The bot***** *****ne is this is your sister must be ready to walk away from this on her own terms, you can only make her feel supported until she is ready to do so.

If you need any more support, you could contact a service specific to domestic abuse which im sure a google search would find in your local area.

Tony