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Kate: I don’t particularly like the act of getting my hair

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Kate: I don’t particularly like the...
Kate:
I don’t particularly like the act of getting my hair cut. I just think it will be amusing to let her cut my hair all spiky and wild. I’m sure everyone else will think it was ill-advised, but what do I care? I think it will be fun. I let her do whatever she wanted last time, but she only made it partially spiky and mussy - she held back. I’ll let her do whatever she wants this time, without her having to worry. Hair grows back. I don’t find getting my hair cut to be relaxing at all, because my hairdresser just asks me legal questions the whole time. I used to have that problem at church — I would be inundated with legal questions, people wanting to tell me what their divorce attorney was doing, etc. after or before church every week. It got to the point where I dreaded going and I would leave at the offertory. Do people do that to you a lot?
I like the WV mountains, too, but haven’t spent as much time there as I could and should have. I DO NOT like the WV turnpike during the winter! My dad’s bank used to have a house at Canaan Valley, so my parents would spend a lot of time there, and I went skiing there once or twice. It’s very pretty. I’m not even sure where it is exactly, though, because I was never the one driving.
Southern VA is pretty, too. I spent a lot of vacations in North and South Carolina, and had family in Tennessee, so we drove through a lot of that area. When we used to vacation in NC, we would sometimes stop and go see this outdoor play in Roanoke called “The Lost Colony.” I thought it was pretty cool and was always interested in that little mystery.
Why do you think it was me that got singled out in my family? Other than I was different (although I really don’t know if how they treated me made me different or I was different and that led to the treatment). Is it because I was the middle child? I’m sure I seemed more needy - whether I was or not – to my parents because when I was a baby, they had a 2 year old to deal with, and then they had another baby before I was 3, and I wasn’t the first girl or a boy. (That reminds me of something funny – when the kids were little, I was explaining to Allie how even though Kenzi (my brother’s step-daughter) is a year older, and I love her just as much, I didn’t meet her until she was 4, so I told her “you were my first niece or nephew.” This was when she was about 5. She said “but you know I’m a niece now, right?”. Sorry. That just came to my mind and made me chuckle). I know you say there’s no rhyme or reason - but it seems like there has to be. Was I just not likeable to them?
I will write out what I was thinking/feeling. Despite my un-proof-read-while-I’m-working posts on here, I really can express myself better in writing.
I am trying to keep distracted today by working, talking to you, etc. I feel bad inside still, though. This thing seems so big. I know it can’t really be that big and it is just my present perception, but it feels big. Does it seem bigger because I have the 2 things at the same time — my shame/embarrassment with what happened at the same time as the embarrassment/teasing/etc from my childhood? But I think Linda’s right – it probably would all play into it, so dealing with one without the other may not be as effective. ??? I am confident I can do some constructive things this weekend to make myself feel better, but I also see that I need to let myself feel some of it, too, right?
Thanks for talking to me so much today.
You’re swell! (That’s Brady-speak) :)
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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5/11/2012
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,861
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Shay,

I do get the questions a lot when people find out I am a therapist. I find it very amusing when people ask me "Can you read my mind?". Sure, I can do that! :)

I think your parents singled you out because they picked up that you were healthy. That may sound strange, but when someone is dysfunctional, they are usually the most bothered by someone who is healthy. And when abusers pick up that a child is healthier than they are, they naturally go after them because they feel threatened.

That was so cute about your niece Allie. You are so healthy with your nieces and nephews even though you were treated so badly by your parents. That really shows how much different you were from them.

It is tough to deal with both the embarrassment/shame from your attack and the dysfunction of your childhood at the same time. You have taken on a lot! But dealing with it at the same time is good. They really do tie into on another. The feelings you have about the attack partly comes from how your parents taught you to be ashamed of your feelings and of yourself in general.

Definitely let yourself feel these feelings as much as you can. It will help you to get used to them and to explore them so you are more comfortable with how you feel. They are only a part of you so while they feel overwhelming now, they will lessen as you work with them.

Kate
TherapistMarryAnn
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Thanks, Kate. I feel like I'm jumping around all over the place with all these issues. Like one thing will be bothering me one week, and a totally different issue I'm working on the next. Is that normal?

We only did the "telling" thing 2 sessions, and I'm only towards the beginning still. I hope Linda isn't totally switching gears and going to not continue it, but I do think the last 2 sessions we needed to stop and deal with some of the issues that came up. I thought it was pretty good insight on her part. Do you agree? I do want to make sure we go on with it, but not until she gets back. Just in the small part I told her, it's already stirred up and brought out a bunch of stuff. I think that's progress, right?

Well, have a great Friday night!

Shay

Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 5 years ago

Shay, you are being very normal. It is common to jump from one thing to the next. What you feel is complex and interwoven. Sometimes you will feel one thing one moment then feel completely different the next.

I agree with you, it was good insight on Linda's part to stop and deal with some of the issues that came up. If you keep going and ignore them, it will only make it worse. Hopefully, she will pick up your story again and keep going.

I think it's great that the small part you shared brought up so much. I know you probably don't think it's so great :) but therapeutically, it is a very good thing. And you are hitting it head on, which means that your progress is going to go even smoother. And though there is no way to tell for sure, this could be some of the biggest stuff you deal with as you work your way through. Childhood issues and embarrassment are both huge. As you work this, it could smooth the way for any other things that come up and that would make them much easier to deal with.

Enjoy your night. I hope you have some fun tonight! Talk with you soon,

Kate

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